Radical Love: Living a Missional Life

I Will Bring Praise!

2012-01-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

Desert Song

I just got a new CD. A friend "gave" me this song a few years ago. Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would still need it, two years later. But I did. And God knew it. So, I got another gift. I went to buy this at Family Christian Bookstores and found a book I wanted to read. I really could not afford both, but in faith, I decided I needed both. Imagine the shock when the cashier said, "Wow! That book...well, it rang up for $3.00. I guess it was on sale. Big time sale."

I smiled and said, "That's how My God is showing me He still hears me and still loves me."

And as I listened to this song, and let the words soak in, I realized that I can no longer bemoan my circumstances. God did not bless me with George for me to complain. I will bring praise! God created me for this...He decided LONG ago that I would walk through this trial. How I respond to the trial is the key. I do not want to be like the Israelites who wandered for 40 years grumbling and complaining. No...I can't do that to the rest of my family!

I will bring praise. And yes...this is hard...but God saw something in me that gave Him permission to bless me with a very hurting, broken child. It is a gift. I want to KNOW that God is the God who provides! I want to be refined through the fire! I want to STAND on His promises! And I want to SOW the seeds that I have received in my life. So God...I am yours, and I WILL praise you! You are my victory and YOU ARE HERE!

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will

ODD...Is This My Future?

2012-01-23T08:52:00.001-08:00

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

What is it?

ODD is a psychiatric disorder that is characterized by two different sets of problems. These are aggressiveness and a tendency to purposefully bother and irritate others. It is often the reason that people seek treatment. When ODD is present with ADHD, depression, tourette's, anxiety disorders, or other neuropsychiatric disorders, it makes life with that child far more difficult. For Example, ADHD plus ODD is much worse than ADHD alone, often enough to make people seek treatment. The criteria for ODD are:

A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least six months during which four or more of the following are present:

1. Often loses temper
2. often argues with adults
3. often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. often deliberately annoys people
5. often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. is often angry and resentful
8. is often spiteful and vindictive

Reality Check

2012-01-20T17:48:00.000-08:00

I love getting words of encouragement. I love how so many people were thrilled to see how God poured out His love onto George by providing amazing new teeth for him.

But I need to give you a dose of my reality.

When we got home from the dentist, George told me he was so mad. I asked why and he told me he hated the dentist because he didn't give him white teeth on the bottom.

When Eleanor came home from school, she excitedly asked George to show her his new teeth. He replied, "No!" and stormed out of the room.

In the car on the way to the bus stop this morning, George told me he would not be happy until I bought him some new shoes. May I remind you that he has more shoes than I do.

After school, when I presented him with a new binder and a new backpack (because he has ripped his first ones) he stormed off to his room because the binder was red.

George then tells Isabel he hates her. She had done nothing.

We finally send him to bed.

Joe and I pray.

Then I go into George's room, pull him onto my lap to rock him and tell him softly that I love him. After a while, he asks to go back to bed. I tell him I love him and he pulls the covers over his head.

Then, he gets out of bed six times. He need water. He needs a tissue. He needs chap-stick. On and on. I finally tell him no more! He comes down AGAIN and tries to sneak his library book upstairs. I tell him he can look at it in the morning. He then goes to Joe (who has no idea that George has been out of bed six times) and sweetly asks for his book. Joe says yes.

George then comes down, laughs in my face and says, "DAD said I could have my book. You can't stop me." He laughs all the way up the stairs.

Yes...this is my life.

This is the cross I bear. This is the cross I chose to pick up daily and carry. Some days...well most days...I hate this cross. God, give me another cross please! I don't want this one anymore. It hurts too much.

When is enough enough? When is it better for him to move on?

When I was holding him in his room, he quietly said, "I thought you were going to give up on me." I begged him to stop trying to see where that line is.

But, he didn't.

We Were Blessed

2012-01-19T15:40:00.000-08:00

I will never forget the day we walked into the CWA orphanage in Addis Ababa and saw George. The first thing that struck me were his beautiful eyes. The second thing I saw were his yellow teeth. I wasn't sure why they were that color, but the clearly were seriously discolored.

We immediately went to a dentist when we got back home to Wisconsin. I thought a good cleaning and maybe some scraping would quickly remedy the problem. No such luck.

I thought maybe we could whiten the teeth with toothpaste. Nothing happened.

Two dentists had no idea what caused the yellowing and on top of that, they didn't know how to treat the teeth.

So, we lived with it. And we told George over and over again that the color of his teeth wasn't a big deal and that we thought he was handsome just the way he was.

One of the results is that I have ZERO pictures of George smiling with his mouth open - if you have noticed, he is always "smiling" with closed lips.

But at school, he was teased.

At the pool, a girl told him he looked like a bumblebee - all black and yellow.

On the bus, kids told him to keep his mouth closed because they wanted to barf when they saw his teeth.

We knew we must do something. The poor child was having to endure daily questions, weekly teasing and harsh cruelty all because of the color of his teeth.

Today...we were blessed!

Upon moving to SC, I literally signed up for a dentist based upon location. Was he close to our house? Yes. Great, consider him our new dentist. He saw all 6 of the kids and myself over Christmas break. Instantly, I knew this was a good man.

We talked about George's teeth. And he said he would have to really think about it. We told him we didn't want "perfect teeth", or veneers...we simply wanted his teeth, but whiter. He totally understood what we were looking for.

He talked about different ideas, each time naming a price. Each time, we didn't flinch, but honestly said that we might not be able to get all 8 front teeth treated at the same time. He, again, totally understood.

This week, George had a day off school, so we scheduled a nice long visit for the dentist to take pictures, x-rays, make impressions, etc. At the end of the visit, he looked at me and said, "I have an idea."

I said, "Go for it!"

He asked me how many teeth we could cover this first time. I answered that we could definitely cover two teeth, maybe four. Knowing his ideas had been costing around $1000 a tooth, I nervously told him to schedule an appointment for his idea and then said a quick prayer to God.

Lord, you know how horrible George feels about his teeth. And you know, that we don't have extra thousands of dollars sitting around the house. I am trusting You...and if we need to cancel, please let me know right away.

Wednesday evening, I get a call. "Can George come in tomorrow?"

"Um.....sure...."

"Oh, and the dentist wanted me to tell you that he is going to do George's top 4 front teeth for free."

"Excuse me! Can you repeat that last part?"

"Four teeth...free...he has really has a good heart and he has taken to George."

So, George sat in the dentist chair for 3 and a half hours today. I am not exactly sure what was done...something about making teeth that are glued on to his teeth. I don't care what they are...they simply are gorgeous!

Not Today....

2012-01-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

Anna did NOT become a Weldie today. There was a huge miscommunication between my lawyer and myself. Apparently, today was about awarding custody and not adoption. So, after many phone calls this week, and an interview with Anna's guardian ad litem, we were granted custody of Anna. Officially, she still has her old name and we are not "mom" and "dad" yet.

But...she IS our daughter! No judge or paper or court can take that away from us. Right now, it is simply a formality.

In the meantime...I received a package in the mail of papers from Anna's first adoptive family. Anna had been sent to many professionals, all giving their opinions on her personality, habits and future hopes. When I read the awful, hate-filled words, I sobbed.

One doctor even labeled Anna a SOCIOPATH.

I cringe as I write that word. The stories that filled these pages are NOT my daughter!

Joe and I talked about this...there are only two possibilities:
1. Anna has done a 180 degree turn-around and became a completely different child in 24 hours or
2. The stories were lies.

Oh, there is so much I want to say about disruption. Again..I feel like I have to wait even longer before sharing the details of this story until Anna is truly a Weldie. But, God has used this story to teach me about His redemptive plan...how He goes to great lengths to rescue a child...and how desperately He loves each one of us.

God simply refused to let Anna remain in that home. And so...He asked Joe and I to rescue her.

Which has made me think...how many times has God asked you to go to the rescue? And how many times do you/we all ignore that plea? On paper, we should have never brought this sociopath child into our home. Right?

Tell Anna that tonight as she gets hugs and kisses from her brothers and sisters. Tell her than when her daddy sings a silly song as she climbs onto the top bunk of her bed. Tell her that when her momma strokes her face, kisses her forehead and tells her softly, "I love you, Anna."

Color

2012-01-16T10:14:00.000-08:00

I love this picture...

For many reasons!

Maybe because I have shades of "white" even among the children birthed from Joe and I. You should see us in the summer! Some of us...ok, me...tan so well. Others turn bright red, peel and then remain pretty much the same.

Maybe it is because I see the pure, unequivocal beauty in my "milk-chocolate" son and my "dark-chocolate" daughter. I wish I had their skin...so silky smooth, no pimples or blemishes!

Maybe it is because someone told my son that "brown boys need brown moms".

Maybe it is because at the playground, a little girl told Anna she couldn't play because she was "too dark".

Maybe it is because I just heard an African American mom say that her daughter, who is very light brown, is the "desired color"...like there is such a thing?

Maybe it is because we get stared at everywhere we go.

Who decided which shade of flesh was the best or most desirable or too dark or too pale?

Drives me crazy people! And a lot of this comes from Christians! Seriously...what is God going to say in heaven? Dark skinned over there...pale skinned over there....light brown skin over there...pimpled faces over there...hairy faces over there...

Get real....ALL our skin is beautiful and makes for an exciting world!

Hang In There...

2012-01-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

I am still here..

I haven't felt like writing much lately....I simply continue to plod along.

But...our finalization of Anna's adoption happens this week - praise God! I am sure after Wednesday, I will want to tell you all about Anna and how she came to us!

Also, I began working two weeks ago. I am loving it. Every time I start talking about Safe Families, that fire and passion well up again and again. I am sure I will start talking all about that as well!

Eleanor turned 15 this week and soon, she goes to the DMV to get her driver's permit! Can you believe it? I can't!

Joe and I started PX90. We are "bringing it!" Can't wait to hit the beach this spring after working out again. Not saying I will look awesome - because I AM 41 now - but saying I am looking forward to being more fit.

As for George - we have had some extremely bad days. And then, we have some very good days. And then, I heard a sermon that put things back into perspective. And then, I have been reading a book that is REALLY bringing things into perspective (thanks Heidi!). I cracked...again...but fell on my knees in George's room and cried out to Jesus that He would heal this boy...not sure how much more I can take. And then, each morning, Jesus nudges me out of bed and reminds me to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. And so, I do.

And finally, we have finally found a home church! I am sure I am going to make both sets of parents a little nervous when I tell them that we meet in a strip mall - ha! No - I would have never seen myself in this unconventional church setting - but Joe and I have finally found that place where we belong and where we see God moving. Oh, we are so excited! Oh, we can't wait until each Sunday! More to come as this as well.

I realize this is just a teaser - but I wanted you to hang in there...I WILL write again!

Are These Your Children?

2012-01-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.beneaththeacaciatree.com/2012/01/biftu-and-you.html

Christmas Break

2011-12-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

This Christmas break has been FUN!

First of all, my oldest three are getting to be such a wonderful age. I love the teen and tween years - yes, I will at again....I love the teen and tween years. Of course, we have attitudes every now and then, but for the most part, Eleanor, Harry and Isabel are funny, witty and just a delight to be around. We laugh a lot. And then we have some pretty serious, deep conversations. Oh, friends and family, if THIS is the result of home schooling those three for the first two (or six) years of their schooling, it was WELL WORTH IT!

As for the younger three - things ARE getting better. George is responding to his ADHD meds. I am a little afraid (after a pretty rotten day today) that yet again, this dosage is too small. We will see - and continue on this level for a few more weeks before making that decision. We are finding what works right now for discipline. There is no yelling, no emotion, no fighting - I refuse to engage in his arguments anymore. If he has done something that is unacceptable, I simply tell him he needs to go to his room. We have moved a digital clock into his room and I tell him the exact time he can come out. Before the time is up, I go in and calmly tell him why he is in his room, talk about a different/better choice could have been made and then remind him of the time in which his time out is over. The difference now is noticeable - he will now go to his room without an argument (usually - although today he told me he was calling the police and telling them I was sending him to his room - I said, "Go for it!"), and when he has calmed down, he LISTENS to me. He never did that before. So maybe now, he can start really learning because he is finally able to concentrate. So far...so good.

Lincoln is...well...Lincoln. The kid cracked me up so much at my in-laws Christmas party. He come sauntering into the living room, having JUST learned how to snap. He then throws down a few Mich*el J*ckson moves, with the snap, and asks for his relatives to vote HIM the best entertainment of the night. There are times when he is so grown up - off on his own, exploring, playing with George in the empty lot behind us, holding the door open for me, that I get excited about the man he will become. But, he still finds himself comfortably sitting in my lap every night, wrapping his arms around his momma and telling me how much he loves me, which reminds me how he is still my little guy.

We have had the most significant and wonderful changes in Anna this Christmas break. Now, in all reality, they have been coming. But this past week, Anna has sighed a HUGE SIGH. First of all, she mourned. She sat in my lap and sobbed about her Africa Mommy. She tells the same story over and over again about seeing her mommy walk on some rocks, slip, and hit her head so hard she died. She always says the other ladies wouldn't let Anna see her mommy anymore - she couldn't say goodbye. This week, she sobbed "I miss her so much!" All I could do was hold her and love her and listen to her. And then, she wiped the tears from her eyes, kissed my cheek and toddled off.

Something changed in that moment.

Something beautiful emerged.

And Anna started singing. And tonight, she DANCED! Now, to back up, we are a singing and dancing family. We always have music on and will break into funny dances at any given chance. Anna has NEVER joined us. She has always skirted off to a corner where she would just watch us and politely shake her head "no" when we asked her to join us.

Not tonight.

She danced until she had sweat on her brow. And it was the sweetest tasting sweat I have ever kissed.

Good news: We finalize our adoption of Anna on January 18th!!! On that day, I can tell you Anna's story and you, too, will be amazed at her transformation.

I hope you all had just as merry a Christmas break! God bless.

Way To GIVE!

2011-12-29T18:02:00.001-08:00

The 2011 ECFA Giving Report revealed that of 29 giving categories, three of the four categories seeing the largest increase in giving related to adoption and orphan care. While the 400 largest fundraising charities in America saw a mere .2% increase in giving in 2010, giving to Christian orphan care rose by 21%, adoption by 15% and child sponsorship by 24%

Anna's Song

2011-12-26T16:08:00.000-08:00

We found Anna sitting on the stairs singing this sone tonight...we asked her to sing it to us...and she did! Here are the words.

Every day when you're walking down the street
Everyone's looking at you.
God loves you.
He made us,
He made us special!
He sent His son to us.

This...from the little girl who didn't know Jesus when we picked her up. I love her so much! This song made Joe and I break down and cry.

Snapshot Christmas

2011-12-26T09:41:00.001-08:00

The twins sporting their new hats!

I got Joe a whole blues harmonica set. He wants to be able to play them with his guitar.

Mustache McGee :)

Oh, this boy LOVES his mustaches.

Isabel got an art set from Grammy.

Anna can color her own umbrella..oops, I mean her Glambrella :)

Waiting for presents...

Harry and his cousin, Will. Inseperable!

George looking handsome.

Anna inspecting the placemats.

Lighting the candle for Jesus' birthday cake.

Will and George doing acrobats in the living room.

Sisters...sisters...

All the kids with Joe's parents on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T17:41:00.001-08:00

It's late on Christmas Day...we have traveled to and from Ohio over the last four days and are all now exhausted. Everyone, but mom, is snug in their beds right now, sleeping peacefully after a wonderful Christmas weekend.

I had to report that it WAS, indeed, a very Merry Christmas.

George was great. In fact, at times, he was downright charming and pleasant to be around.

Prayer works.

But, also, medication seems to be working. A few days before we left for Ohio, I took George to the pediatrician to talk about his ADHD and the medication we had begun. So..here it goes..I am now the mom of a son who needs ADHD medication. God has humbled me..yet again..through this. I was that opinionated home schooling mom who thought ADHD was always over-diagnosed and over-medicated. In my naive ways, I blamed mothers who didn't want to be bothered with their over-active sons. Sigh. God, and time, always seem to correct me from my foolish ways.

So, we started George on meds a few weeks ago. I insisted we start at the minuscule dosage. My doctor kind of laughed at me. Looking back, he knew it would be too low. George responded so well! Joe and I were shocked. Amazed. Stunned. Who was this boy? He was focused. Quieter. Settled.

And about 4 days in, the "old George" was right back.

So, at this latest doctor's visit I explained what had been happening and we both agreed that we should try to next level up. We started the new dosage the day before leaving for Ohio.

And the result? A quieter George. A peaceful George. A George who (for the most part) was a peacemaker.

We had a really nice Christmas! And I am so thankful for that!

God blesses me with these glimpses of what George may be like after the years of healing that need to take place. At lunch, while sitting at Skylin* Chili (YUMMMMM), George brought up the conversation about me having lunch with him when he is a daddy. Obviously, this idea has really stuck with George and he continually asks me if I will be there for him when he is a daddy.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Life is Hard

2011-12-20T05:20:00.001-08:00

Things have been tough lately. And I am so tired of writing about it. So, I don't even come here to write at all. The defiant attitude is about to break me.

In fact, on Friday morning, I had a break down. The story actually starts on Thursday night. Thursday night, during our Bible study time, we had the idea of saying a short prayer each morning asking God to help the kids make good decisions while they were at school. Very simple, but something each of the younger ones (the 4 who go to elementary school) wanted to do. So, as we sat in the car waiting for the bus, we folded our hands and closed our eyes and I began the short, simple prayer.

"I love lies. I love Wizards of Waverly Place. I love all the things my mom hates. Yes I do...I love to lie. I will lie to you. I love money. I will steal money...", George was saying in a sing-song way over the top of our prayer.

If I had forgotten that this adoption is more about spiritual matters than anything else...I was just reminded in a rude way! There is a battle in George's soul...a battle of good and evil. And frankly, sometimes evil wins that battle.

I came home and thankfully, Joe was home. I broke down and started sobbing. And then, I yelled at God....I mean, screamed at God. And I even said, "I can't do this anymore."

Now, the word DISRUPTION has never been allowed to be even spoken in our home. It's the same way Joe and I refuse to ever say the word DIVORCE. We have committed to George and won't even let ourselves go down that road...we know God would not be pleased with us. So, what is right? Disruption or commitment? This brings up so many questions..because obviously Anna is doing so wonderfully with us! I tell Anna all the time that THIS was God's plan all along.

However, I have a dear friend who says, "No..that is never God's plan." God CAN use a disrupted adoption to REDEEM and bring HEALING. But, it is a danger to think that God's CAN'T bring redemption and healing into that first forever family. If we would disrupt, we would be sending our son into the deep, dark pit even further. I am not sure if he would ever trust an adult again! We keep telling him we love him and forgive him...and then, we give up? It has taken us almost 3 years to get to THIS point - and I'm not even sure what kind of point this is..but we HAVE gotten somewhere.

And I was ready to give up.

And then God used a pastor on the radio to speak to me. I was listening to Walk in the Word - just catching the very end of the sermon. I realize now it didn't matter - the sentence I needed to hear was at the very end. James was talking about God's promises. So, my thoughts immediately went to the promise God gave me with George. It is found in Hosea. Hosea, who had to love and forgive and live with his adulterous wife. Hosea who was asked to do something that seems so hard. LOVE. Keep loving. Forgive. Always forgive. And WAIT.

And then God promises Hosea that there will be repentance that will bring blessing. This promise was given to me...and so, as I read this passage from the end of Hosea, I always think of George.

"I will heal George's waywardness and love him freely, for my anger will be turned away from him. I will be like the dew to George; he will blossom like a lily. Like a cedar of Lebanon, George will send down his roots; his young shoots will grow. George's splendor will be like an olive tree, his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon. Men will dwell again in George's shade. George will flourish like the grain. George will blossom like a vine..." (Hosea 14:4-7)

God's promise to me. God's voice urging me to hang in there.

Suddenly, the pastor's voice breaks through my thoughts as he is getting really passionate and loud (smile).

"You are strulggin, you are frustrated, you are ready to give up, but there is only one thing! One thing! THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS BETWEEN YOUR CHALLENGES AND GOD'S PROMISE IS.....TIME."

Time. That's it. God is faithful! He will do what He said! And all that is needed is TIME!

But, isn't "time" exactly what we all struggle with the most? My 21st century mind says, "Isn't 3 years long enough?"

Ha. God just laughs.

And so, this weekend, Joe took over with George. I didn't talk to him, I didn't answer his questions, I didn't do anything. I went about my normal day serving and loving all the kids, but it was obvious that George was getting nothing from me.

Finally, on Saturday night, George asked Joe, "Why?"

Joe explained some hard truths to George.

I wish I could say the story ended with this wonderful scene where George runs to my arms and cries with sorrow and asks for forgiveness for all the ways he has been so hateful over the last three years.

But..that didn't happen. George did shape up a bit. And yesterday, a day that found me back in the forefront as Joe is out of town, George was a good boy..all day.

This morning, he has already told someone he would stab them in the heart with knife. This morning, he has spent a significant amount of time alone in his room.

But, this time, I promise to WAIT. I want to see God's promise fulfilled and I trust it will happen.

The Prejudice of Poverty

2011-12-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

This is the tale of two moms. Two women with large families who are both devoted completely to their children. Both women do all they can to see their children are well fed, clean, educated and healthy.

But one woman is middle class and one woman is poor. Mom #1 has a husband. Mom #2 doesn't have anyone. Mom #1 graduated from college. Mom #2 barely graduated from high school. Mom #1 comes from a good family. Mom #2 has no father and a mom who has been investigated for child abuse and neglect.

I am Mom #1. Cherish is Mom #2.

There are so many similarities. We are the same age. We are about the same height. We have large families. We love our children desperately. And recently, I had the opportunity to have another shared experience with Cherish.

Our sons ADHD.

Cherish's six year old kid, Sammy, is a great kid. He's the kind of kid that looks you in the eye when he firmly shakes your hand and says, "Hi! My name is Sammy." I met Sammy when we did a Safe Families placement for him last year. Cherish told me that Sammy was a handful. OK - in my world, a handful meant a little loud, a little active, a little out of control. Ummm - a handful was an understatement. My host family called me after a few days saying that Sammy was really out of control. A sweet kid..but a kid who would try to climb into the refrigerator and then turn around and throw action figures across the room and then run into the next room to climb on the couch and shout "Geronimo" as he soared through the air! And he did this non-stop for 18 hours a day.

The host mom said, "I think Sammy needs some real help."

So, I stepped in and started talking to Cherish. She told me that Sammy's pre-school teachers had told her they thought Sammy had ADHD. Now, for the record, I have been a highly skeptical observer of all things ADD and ADHD. I had never come face to face with it before..but after spending a few hours with Sammy, I agreed. This child needs some real help.

I encouraged Cherish to make an appointment with her doctor. Easier said than done. Here is a mom, remember..no job, no husband, and at the moment, no place to live. She doesn't have the pediatrician's number tapped on a pretty piece of paper to the inside of her kitchen cabinet.

She needed some real help. Together, we found a doctor and I talked to the receptionist to explain why we were requesting an appointment with the doctor. "From observations, we think Sammy may have ADHD."

Later that week, I called to remind Cherish to make her appointment. I then told her to call me when she was done.

"He didn't believe me." Cherish sounded defeated. "He is asking for a letter from the host mom who watched Sammy and then I have to go to this clinical place where they watch Sammy for 5 hours."

"What? All he has to do is spend 30 minutes with Sammy in the examining room and he'll get it!"

"He said I have to take the bus to this clinic 2 times. The first visit we have to stay for 3 hours and then the next week I have to stay for 2 hours. Traci, how am I going to do this? I have 4 other kids! They have to be picked up from school and I can't take the baby, so who is going to watch her?"

All I could do was encourage her to make those meetings and together we thought of a plan for the other kids.

I checked in with Cherish about a month later, wanting to know if she was able to make her appointments. She did and Sammy was put on a medication and Cherish said, "He is a new kid!"

Mom #2 (me) has George. George grew up an orphan in the bush of Ethiopia. He has delays and major attitude issues, but Mom #2 never thought he had ADHD. Until some recurring things starting popping up. And then my dad said something about it. Then George's teacher said something about it. And I started doing research and thought...well...maybe?

So I make an appointment with my doctor. You know, the man I have seen a few times now (after all, we did just move), but who I have a good rapport with. The doctor is able to see me right away. I share my observations, the issues at school, and then say that my father, who is also a physician, had questioned if George had some hyperactivity.

During the 30 minute visit, George was being watched. It probably helped that he interrupted us 25 times in 30 minutes. But wham- bam..."Yes...he has ADHD. What type of treatment would you like to start?"

For the next 30 minutes, we go over all the options ranging from fish oil to stimulants. I make my choice, which the doctor totally supported, and we started treatment the next day.

Now this story is not about ADHD or the type of medicine or the results for both of these boys. I will save my experiences for another entry (but must admit that I am hesitant to share this for fear of strong opinions and judgements surrounding ADHD). This story is about the prejudice of poverty.

Cherish's son was bouncing off the walls. And the doctor still did not believe her observations and experiences. He needed to watch Sammy for a significant amount of time before making the diagnosis.

My son is fidgety, can't sit still, touches everything and interrupts constantly. And my doctor immediately believed all my observations, believed what I shared about what George's teacher said, and believed what my dad said.

Why?

Why did Cherish have to work so hard to get a proper diagnosis for her son? Why did she have to jump through so many hoops and delay a much needed treatment? I would suggest that it has to do with her poverty. She probably smelled like cigarettes, I am sure she didn't shower that day, and her clothes are typically wrinkled and bit dirty. She is not educated and so is not a very good communicator. She walks into a doctor's office an is immediately intimated by the diplomas on the wall and the proper etiquette he displays. And so, she probably shrinked back a bit, afraid to share her observations.

But are these reasons for her to be judged? Are these reasons for a physician to not believe her?

This experience has really made me think. In what other areana does Cherish face prejudice? I am sure she does at school...the kids show up dirty, dishevled, hungry. Church? Most churches I know would never SAY she wasn't welcome, but I would ask you when was the last time you sat next to a Cherish in your church service and turned to welcome her? This list could go on and on.

My heart has been changed and God continues to show me ways HIS heart breaks. Cherish loves the Lord. She has been so excited to tell me about reading the Bible with her children. But Cherish faces a much more difficult road than I do...simply because she was born into poverty and has not been able to get out. Just makes me think...

Wild Olive Give-Away

2011-12-09T07:08:00.000-08:00

My favorite tees are having a great give-away! Check it out here :)

2011-12-09T04:15:00.001-08:00

I asked for a word from the Lord this morning.

I am slowly reading through Matthew's gospel in order to prepare my heart for the coming Messiah. This morning, I came to chapter 4 where Jesus is led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted in the desert. I noticed for the first time that Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit...

This caused me to stop and think. I am all about figuring out how to live a Spirit-led life. And here is an example of Jesus following the Holy Spirit, that had just descended upon him at his baptism, into a place of discomfort and temptation. Am I willing to follow the Holy Spirit's lead if that means taking me into places of discomfort? And am I willing to be intentionally tempted? That is Christ' example to us...so I guess I need to follow.

Jesus going into the desert was intentional and necessary! This is not to be looked at as "Oh, Jesus went for a walk in the desert." As a child, I can remember seeing cartoons or comics retelling this story - and the desert never looked very hot or very dry or very awful. And Jesus always had combed hair, clean clothes and looked pretty healthy. But, have you ever seen someone who has fasted 40 days? I have. And he looked SICK. So, I have to wonder why in the world did God, through the prompting of the Holy Spirit, lead His son into the desert to fast for 40 days and nights?

Our clue comes in Deuteronomy.

This is where Moses explains to the Israelites why God had them wander the desert for 40 years. He says, "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." (Dt. 8:2) (We know this is a key passage (Dt. 8: 1-5) because Jesus goes on to quote what Moses says later on as His response to the first temptation.)

Obviously, Jesus proved what was in his heart through his time of testing and temptation! Purity, love, humility.

Back to my first sentence. I prayed for a word from the Lord this morning because I feel like I am in the desert with George. And so many times I am like the Israelites - grumbling, complaining, irritated at God...and here is an example of how God wants me to respond to my desert trip. AND...even more important to me...a REASON WHY I am on this long desert trip.

To humble me and to test me in order to know what is in my heart....and whether or not I will keep his commands.

I clearly get the humble me part....oh yes. I have never been more humbled in my life. So many things I said "I will never do that..", I have now done. I have never felt more incapable and lousy and ineffective than I have since adopting George. My faith is no longer in my parenting or in my abilities..it lies squarely on the shoulders of the Lord. Listen God...this is YOUR child...and You've got to do this with me! Yes..I have been humbled.

So, next...testing. I have always had mixed thoughts on this. Does God test us. Well, the answer looks pretty clear here. He has put me through the desert time to test me - to know what is in my heart. It is in the desert time of testing that the TRUE aspects of my heart are revealed. And they can be incredibly ugly.

I never had to face the depths of my heart before. I never had to realized how dark and sinful my heart could be. But...now I am.

I should be grateful. I am being refined. But, it is still a desert time and that is no fun. The testing is to see if I will obey God's commands. That doesn't seem like the warm, fuzzy God of Christmas - a God who tests to see if I will obey. But, folks, that is the reality of God. The testing is not for His pleasure of watching me squirm and fail..the testing is refining me...sanctifying me. Remember, the Bible clearly shares God's will for our lives...TO BE SANCTIFIED. (I Thes. 5:0)

Obviously, going about my normal hum-drum life was not enough to truly be sanctifying me..so God gave me a defiant, angry, stubborn, mean boy that I am supposed to love and cherish and forgive and wrap my arms around. Clearly, this is not what I wanted..but clearly, this is what I needed.

So, what is that word from the Lord I was looking for? I guess I feel a little better being reminded there is a purpose and a plan in this desert trip I am taking. I am not plodding through the desert aimlessly - but instead, I am being refined, sanctified...changed. And for THAT...AGAIN...I am eternally grateful.

Lunch and Babies

2011-12-05T04:14:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, George and I had a very intense discussion. He had been behaving horribly and had been sent to his room to "cool off". At the end of the cool off session, I always go into his room to restore our relationship. We talk.

This particular evening, George asked, "When I am 18, I can leave and never see you again, right?"

I answered, "Well, technically, yes. You can graduate from high school and then decide to leave and never see us again. But, I want you to know that would make Mom and Dad very sad."

"Why?" He asked defiantly with a cold stare coming my direction.

"Because we love you. And we want a relationship with you when you are older."

"What does THAT mean?"

"It means that I want to go have lunch with you when you are in college. It means I want to celebrate when you get married to the woman God has chosen for you. It means I want to visit you when you have your first baby and I want to hold that baby all night."

I can't remember where the conversation went from there. I remember leaving his room defeated and frustrated...wondering if anything I say ever means a hill of beans to George.

That was a few weeks ago and yesterday, in a quiet moment, George came into the kitchen and said, "Momma? I want you to have lunch with me when I am older. And I want you to hold my babies when I am a daddy. Will you promise to do that?"

A Sweet Relationship

2011-12-02T06:43:00.000-08:00

I wish I could write more about sweet Anna! I just don't feel comfortable writing too much on a public blog..so I have to pick and chose the things I will share here. But, as we continue to make memories as a family and experience all our "firsts" with Anna, I just have to share how close Lincoln and Anna are becoming.

Twins.

I think I was like most day-dreaming young women who thought it would be so wonderful to have twins! Twins get so much attention, and you have twice as much to hug and kiss and love. Matching outfits, lots of potential for cute pictures..oh, the list could go on and on.

Then I had ONE baby.

And I said, "Thank you Lord that you didn't give me twins!"

I thought raising one baby at a time was hard enough that I couldn't imagine having TWO at the same time. Obviously, God knew what was best for this momma.

But now, He has blessed me with twins - Lincoln and Anna. Their birthdays are 14 days apart - so while not "officially" twins, these two are considered twins in the adoption world through a process called twinning. It is controversial - anytime you mess with birth order you will get hundreds of opinions and thoughts. When Anna was brought into our life, we didn't really think too long about her exact age, we just said yes.

Now, I am a mom of twins! And I am amazed at how quickly they are adapting to becoming twins. They call each other their twin. They are typically together when they are both home. They look out for each other. It has developed into such a sweet relationship.

A few nights after Thanksgiving, Joe and I set up blankets and comforters across the floor of our bedroom and turned on a movie for the kids to watch after baths and showers. And there were Lincoln and Anna, snuggled up close together laughing and smiling from ear to ear as they watched an old M*ppets movie. Eventually, those two feel into a deep sleep still lying there next to each other as the older kids finished the movie. When it was time for bed, the other 4 walked into their rooms and left a serene scene of our twins, holding hands and fast asleep as they laid on their Pillow P*ts.

Joe took a picture on his phone.

And today, he sent it to me with a simple caption of our precious twins.

I am beyond grateful to the Lord for this adoption experience!

Big Day Tomorrow

2011-11-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

If you would have asked me, when I was 24, what I would be doing with my life 16 years later, I probably would have said that I would have 4 kids and be teaching high school English and maybe coaching softball.

So, some of that is kinda true - I DID have the 4 kids part. I just decided to add two children from Africa to the mix - something I would have NEVER dreamed of when I was 24!

And I am not teaching and not coaching softball....although it looks like I will be the head coach for Isabel's volleyball team next spring! So, I guess that is kinda true.

But here is where I truly had NO CLUE what God would do with my life 16 years later....

Out of the blue (to me), I got a message from Beth*ny - you know the huge adoption agency? Well...they have been praying for someone to start and lead Safe Families in SC. And apparently, my name came up...many times.

HOW?

I know very few people here...I mean about as many as I can count on ONE hand! And yet, my name kept coming up?

They offered me the job. No interview. No application or resume. Just a job offer.

WHEN DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN TO SOMEONE?

It surely doesn't happen to me!

But it did.

Tomorrow, I go talk to see if this is really a good fit and will be praying for discernment from the Lord...does He really want me to do this.

I'll update when I know ;)

Too Close For Comfort

2011-11-22T03:51:00.000-08:00

George and I had been making huge strides. So, as expected, it was all too close for George.

And now, he is backing off and being as mean and nasty as possible to me.

All over jeans and sweatshirts.

So, the nice, warm feelings of hugs and school are gone. He is back to putting the covers over his head when I go in to say goodnight. He is back to doing the complete opposite of what I ask him to do. He is back to yelling that he hates me and wants a new family.

Yes..that is my life. I go from hints of progress and how nice our family will be someday to thinking maybe this was not meant to be from the start. This boy is slowly killing my spirit and my joy. He is taking every ounce of fun out of the day and causes us all to dread the moment he walks into a room.

I was standing outside last night talking to Joe about this and he said, "Well, Babe, you got really close to him the last few weeks. Too close for comfort. Now he is telling you to back off."

Lord, I need strength to get through this. I am dreading Thanksgiving now. My parents are coming and everyone is so excited about that! But this morning, in the car on the way to school, George announced that he is going to be extra bad on Thanksgiving to ruin it for all of us. What kind of boy thinks this way - let alone says it out loud?

I think of how horrible last winter was. And I am begging God to not put me through that again. I can't do it. And I wonder, are we heading into that same cycle now?

Three more Ethiopian children just came up for disruption. That means three more parents said they just can't do it anymore. Friends and family, I am begging you to cover my family in prayer. Some days, living with George is simply a nightmare. But, Joe and I are committed to him and have promised him we would not give up. But, I am at my end (again) and know that I simply can't do this in my own strength and power. God has to arrive - He has to show up in George's life and bring him healing.

A Lunch Date

2011-11-20T13:15:00.001-08:00

On Thursday, the little kids had a Thanksgiving Feast at their school. You know, the amazing cafeteria turkey (that hardly looks like turkey), bland unsalted mashed potatoes, and a dollop of cranberry gel like stuff. I could hardly wait when Anna and Lincoln invited me to come to lunch and eat with them!

Seriously, I was excited! I have had a baby or a little one home with me for so long, it has been over 15 years since I was able to go hang out with my kids for a special lunch at school. So despite the flavorless meal set before me, I really enjoyed my lunch time. Anna was crawling all over my lap and Lincoln was telling me all about his classmates and cracking jokes. When lunch was over, they both hugged me tight, planted wet kisses on my cheeks and then sailed off with their classes with huge smiles on their faces.

Earlier that morning, I had asked both George and Isabel if they would want me to stay and eat with them, knowing they ate at a later time.

"Nah..", said Isabel very hum-drum like.

"No way!", followed George.

OK - my feelings were not hurt and I just thought I would come on home after the Kindergarten lunch. But, as I sat at my special table, decorated with hand-made turkey place mats and paper tablecloths, and watched my twins walk away happily, I had an idea.

I would stay until the 3rd graders came in and offer to stay and eat with George. No pressure.

George came into the cafeteria and was totally surprised to see me there. And to MY surprise, he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Momma! You're here!" as if he never thought I would be there.

"Do you want to have lunch with me? I stayed just to see if you and I could have a date?"

The smile on his face said it all. Of course, he wanted to have lunch with me.

I took George over to my special little table and we talked and laughed as we ate. It was a bonus when a boy in George's class joined our table with his mom. We talked about the usual stuff moms and boys who are 8 years old talk about...football, video games, and what Santa is going to bring for Christmas.

The time went by very quickly and when George saw his class rise to leave the cafeteria, he paused and gave me another bear hug.

"Thanks for eating lunch with me, buddy."

"I love you, Momma."

We hugged and I told him he better hurry up to catch his class. He quickly walked off and joined his class at the back of the line. And then he looked back...to see if I was still watching him...and he smiled and waved.

I texted Joe, "I stayed to have lunch with George. Best decision I have made in a long time!"

We Remember

2011-11-16T14:28:00.001-08:00

The following was written by a special guest blogger: My amazing daughter, Eleanor.

I still remember the feel of fear surging through my heart. I still remember crying for days afterward, and not really feeling the hugs people were giving me. I remember not being able to smile at Music Camp, much less sing or dance. And then I remember letting go of my own selfishness and feeling peace, a peace I hadn’t felt for a long time.

But I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start from the beginning.

It was June 1st, 2011, when I found out we were moving. My family still didn’t know where yet. It was my last week of school, and the 8th grade class was going on a day-long trip to Six Flags: Great America in Chicago, Illinois. When I finally got off the long bus ride back to little Watertown, Wisconsin, and hopped in the car, my head still spinning with thoughts of cotton-candy, exhilarating roller-coaster rides, and Mitchell Klavekuske – the most popular boy in school, my mom broke the news. “We’re moving.” No “hello” or anything, just those simple words.

Simple words I’ve heard nine other times in my life. They shouldn’t have bothered me; I should have been used to them by now. But for some reason Watertown had always felt…different. And now we were moving away. I had only spent two years in Watertown, but I had already made many friends, and I would miss them all. My mom’s words sent me spiraling into a deep, dark, depression. I had always been a happy person, but I got so upset I could barely pull myself through the last week of school – even with all the joy of yearbook signing and “I’ll see you in the summer!” When summer hit all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself and sleep. So that’s all I did; self-pity and sleep.

Fast forward to the last week of July. My mom was getting worried about me, so she signed my siblings and I up for Music Camp at a local church. It was the same week my parents were going house-hunting in Greenville, South Carolina. Because my parents were going to be halfway across the country my five siblings and I would be taken care of by family friends Betsy and Katie Zimmermann, who also happened to run Music Camp with their parents. So every day, after singing and dancing, we would go home with those cheery girls to practice singing and dancing. Great. Just what my depressed-self needed.

But Wednesday of that week my life changed.

By Wednesday, I had learned all about Betsy and Katie, and I knew there was a lot more depth to them than their cheery outsides displayed. Like how Betsy was patiently waiting for the man of her dreams to propose to her, and Katie’s nervousness about going to college in the fall. I also learned that their parents loved boating – and on Wednesday we were heading out to Sandy Beaches Lake with Katie, Mr. and Mrs. Zimmermann, two grade-school boys Katie “nannied,” and Tyler Baseman. And I was actually really happy to go.

Now Tyler Baseman was a real special kid. He was the Zimmermann girl’s cousin and Katie’s age. But he had cerebral palsy. He was really bright, almost a genius, but he had trouble moving. He was really skinny, most of his clothing was loose, and he was pale and frail. He often walked in a shuffling manner and couldn’t coordinate his body to function like “normal” people’s do. I only just met him on Monday at Music Camp, but there was just something about him that was amazing. Despite his skinny, frail body, he had the best personality. He never gave up on anything and was sweet to everyone. I mean the best. Like, Mitchell Klavekuske, most popular boy in school, eat your heart out.

The day started out normally enough. It was a fun day at Music Camp and then Katie drove us all over to her house, where we had a packed lunch. I remember, after lunch, changing into bathing suits and getting excited about the lake. Mr. Zimmermann attached the boat to the car, and he, Mrs. Z, and the boys all took off. Katie and the girls drove in another car. As we drove off to the lake, Anna told Katie how it would be her first time at a beach, and Isabel share it would be her first time on a boat. And me? Well, for me, it was the first time, in a long time, I was actually smiling. When we got to the beach everyone was excited. The younger kids splashed right in the water, followed by Tyler. I sat on the edge and talked with Mrs. Zimmermann. After a lot of fun, we all retired for snacks and hot dogs. In those last precious moments Tyler’s last photograph was taken. And the irony of it all was that he had the biggest smile on his face.

Part of me wants to say it’s my fault. After all, Mr. Z took all the Weldie kids out on the boat for one last run. I wasn’t going to go tubing, but at the last minute I decided to. And that took 15 minutes. 15 minutes we could have been on shore. 15 minutes we could have saved Tyler with.

When we got back to shore the two boys Katie “nannied” came running up. “Is Tyler with you guys?” one asked. We shook our heads no. I remember, as the wind whipped through my hair around my face, Mr. Zimmermann asking “Is Mrs. Z worried?” Tyler was a strong swimmer, after all, and he wouldn’t run off without telling his aunt or uncle. We got off the boat and made our way to shore, confident we would find Tyler. The beach was still busy and sunny, and he probably just got lost in the crowd. But when we got to where we had set up our things, Mrs. Zimmermann was not there. Mr. Z went and found her, and she said, as clear as day, “Tyler’s missing.”

That’s when the panic settled in. The rest is kind of a blur. The cops were called. I dried off my siblings with towels as Mr. and Mrs. Zimmermann and Katie gave accounts to the police men. One of my clearest memories, though, is a kid trudging through the sand, a frustrated look on his face. “They closed off the water” he told his mom. “Some dumb kid went missing, and now we can’t swim.” I wanted to yell and scream. “If only you knew Tyler!” my mind pounded. “You would be scared to death right now!” And that’s how we all felt – scared. Some of us handled it in different ways. The younger kids cracked jokes to ease the tension. My 10-year-old brother, Harry, popped in his iPod. And me, I tried to stay brave for the little ones, but inside I was screaming and kicking and sobbing all at the same time.

Katie drove everyone home after they were done giving police reports, almost in dead silence. I popped in a Hillsong cd. The first song that came on was “No more sorrow, no more pain. No more failure, He has overcome.” I reached over and grabbed Katie’s hand, and I don’t know if I was being delusional, but I could’ve sworn I felt fear in her touch, but when the song came on, it subsided.

Katie dropped me and my siblings off at home, where I made pizzas and sat everyone in front of the television. I didn’t know how to tell my parents, so I sent them a single text message: “Tyler’s missing.”

In about half an hour I received at least 10 phone calls from people from the Zimmermann’s church (the one we were attending Music Camp at). I had babysat for many of these families, and they were friends of my parents. The phone calls all pretty much went the same way: “Eleanor, sweetheart, are you okay? Do you need anything? You can come and sleep over at our house if you want. Okay…well call me back. And call if you need anything.” I had received so many offers, I didn’t know whose house to go to. When my mom called, after a lot of blubbering on my part, she suggested we just stay home for the night. I called everyone back and told them my plan, after reassuring them I was fine. That night I fell into a fitful sleep around 3:00am.

When I awoke in that morning I was surprised to find I had fallen asleep with my cell-phone clutched in my hand. I must have fallen asleep texting someone, I thought, and flipped the phone open. I checked my new text messages. One was from my mom. I heard her voice as clear as if she had been talking to me: “Tyler’s body was found. He drowned.”

It was 6:00 in the morning after a three-hour sleep. The perfect way to start my day.

I called my mom, and she advised us to go to Music Camp, even though it would be hard. I called Mrs. Smith, one of my mom’s friends, and asked for a ride to the church. She said she could pick us up. So I woke up all my siblings with a smile, however fake it was. I didn’t tell them about Tyler’s body, because I knew they would talk about it at Music Camp. Tyler had been a strong member of Music Camp since he was little, and he loved it, and we loved him. But no matter how well I could fake happiness, it was still strange to see the sun rising, and cars rushing around on the roads, like they had no idea what was going on. And maybe they didn’t. But I felt in my heart as if the whole world had to stop just to mourn Tyler, even if I knew it wouldn’t happen in my head.

When I stepped into the church I was attacked by numerous hugs. But I didn’t really feel any of them. I mostly cried my way through Thursday Music Camp, stopping to talk with the youth pastor, Pastor Tyler, and Mr. Sina, who was also the chorus teacher at my middle school. By the end of the day I was feeling a little better. Pastor Tyler, or PT as everyone refers to him as, told me something that dawned on me: Tyler’s death had caused me to stop thinking about the lousiness of my situation. My facebook status that night: “Life is funny – one minute it’s all about you, and then something happens, and the world shifts.” Both Betsy and Katie Zimmermann “liked” it.

Despite Mr. Zimmermann not being there for the last two days, Music Camp’s two Friday performances went flawlessly. Fittingly, we dedicated the performance to Tyler Baseman, “who we know now rests peacefully in heaven, his body made perfect.” Us who knew Tyler personally were saying “He’s probably playing basketball right now. He loved basketball.” We decided not to fill the spot where he stood with someone else, but to leave it open. Katie and Betsy showed up for the later performance, and during our break time we crowded into PT’s office and hugged each other. We didn’t even say much, just remembered.

Wednesday, July 27th changed my life forever. Ever since that day I’ve been trying to change my selfish character. Oh, sure, I still want the last cookie sometimes, and I miss a lot of people in Watertown. But we’re going back next summer for Betsy’s wedding. And Katie and I keep in touch because we’re both going through changes – she in college, me in Greenville. So I guess missing people isn’t the biggest part of the move anymore. It’s really the realization that life is funny – one minute it’s all about you, and then something happens, and the world shifts. It’s really just about remembering.

Before My Heart Believed You Came To My Rescue

2011-11-14T18:08:00.001-08:00

Yet again, Hillsong is ministering to my soul. This time with one line of one song. I hit this line, and I feel something stir inside me. At first, I thought this was me telling God this truth...but now I know this is also about George.

"Before my heart believed, you came to my rescue..."

George and I have been taking two HUGE steps forward with amazing heart exposing talks...and then we take a GIANT spill backwards. Every day this scenario replays itself, ever since Orphan Sunday. I am thankful for these talks because George has been brutally honest with me, allowing me to see into his heart a bit more.

And here is the issue...George does not believe.

Don't get me wrong, George believes in God and he believes in Jesus. He just doesn't believe in me...yet.

However, just like Jesus came to MY rescue before I believed...I must continue to come to George's rescue even though he doesn't believe me.

Perfect example to illustrate this point: George has an obsession with shoes - and he has about 12 pairs because of this. Yet, last Thursday, he decided to take out an old pair, a pair that was clearly too small. When I saw him take out those shoes, I said very nicely, "Hey buddy, those shoes are too small for you now. Hurry up and grab another pair of shoes upstairs." George slumped onto the ground, did the wonderful Ethiopian whine, and I quickly decided, "OK...lie in the bed you just made." George very proudly put on the too-small shoes and headed off to school.

He came home crying saying his feet were burning. These too-small shoes were causing a lot of pain. But George would not relent...he would not say that I was right. He would not believe me.

Just tonight, as George was putting out his clothes for tomorrow I said, "Hey, it's going to be warm tomorrow so you'll probably want to wear shorts."

"I want to wear JEANS."

Again...he doesn't believe me.

I used to think he was stubborn. I used to think he would do these thing simply to irritate the heck out of me. But now...I think God has given me a glimpse into the real reason WHY. George does not believe me...he doesn't trust me...he doesn't think I am trustworthy.

YET.

I am reading Kisses From Katie and there was one section where she is talking about how hard this life of hers is, especially with her adopted children. She writes:

"How do I tell a child I love her when she doesn't know love? How do I expect her to trust me when all she has ever known is broken trust? I prove it. I earn it. I remind them over and over again with words, actions, hugs and kisses. And I remind myself over and over again that Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in a child. When a child bites me, hits me, or looks into my eyes and tries to shove me away so she can hurt me before I hurt her, when a child overeats to the point of vomiting because she was so hunger and is afraid of that hunger or she hides food under her covers "just in case", when my child cries out for a birth mother or birth father who was abusive, what then? I love anyway."

Before George believes me, I MUST come to his rescue.

Fighting For Anna

2011-11-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

It is so hard for me not to post details...but trust me, God knows them. I am asking you to pray for Anna and our adoption of her. We need seveal things (that are completely out of our control) to fall into place. Phone calls are being made today.

We need TPR to happen - so that is what I am asking for prayers for today.

Orphan Sunday

2011-11-09T04:22:00.001-08:00

My family and I decided to host The Orphan's Table for Eleanor's teen girl's Bible study. It was an amazing night...but this post is about George.

Knowing this would incite anxiety in George, we discuss at length - for days - what the night would entail. We gave him the option many times to stay home, rather than be in a place where people would be talking about orphans, orphanages, eating "a typical orphan meal", etc. He kept saying he understood.

But, clearly he didn't.

And as the hour grew closer and closer for us to go, George got more and more anxious. And in George, that feeling manifests itself as anger and meanness. Our last afternoon started spiraling out of control: George being nasty, Anna sobbing, Eleanor saying mean things, Harry about ready to throw-down....Joe and I realized we had better turn to the Lord.

We brought all the kids into the living room and started to pray. And then, we decided to have so real honest talk. In that conversation, we talked a lot about what it meant to be an orphan and what it meant to be in a family. George, admitted, that he still thinks only about himself and that it is very hard for him to think about how what he says or does might hurt or affect those in his family. He can ONLY think about how HE feels and how HE thinks. At least he was honest.

Then, his fear came out. "Are we going to an orphanage?"

"No, son. This is a really nice house where the girls meet for Bible study."

"Are you going to leave me there?"

I was surprised. "No, buddy."

By the grace of God, we worked our way through this very complicated issue and assured George that he was part of our family and what we were about to do was teach teenage girls about the life of millions of orphans around the world. George and I snuck away to the computer and looked at the waiting children back in his orphanage in Addis. It hit him then...if we can tell more people about the orphans waiting..maybe someone will adopt them.

We got to the house and George and I had a deal..if he didn't want to talk (which is his usually posture), he wouldn't have to and I would share things that he has told me. But, if he wanted to talk...he was more than welcome to add his experience to anything we were saying.

And ADD HE DID!

While we were eating the orphan food, George told the girls that he ate 1 time a day.

The girls were stunned.

Then, George talked about the dirty water and having to walk a long way to get it.

Then he said he went to bed hungry every night.

At another point in the evening, we were leading the girls through scripture about God's heart for the orphan, and George was sprawled out across the center of the living room floor, just chillin'. And HE would answer the questions I posed after each Bible verse!

What change! Oh, how I LOVE these moments where I see such progress! I had a glimpse of a confident, caring young boy...and it was a beautiful sight.

Oh, Lord...keep me in this race until I see the finish line!

Breaking Through

2011-11-04T06:33:00.000-07:00

It rained all night last night. And now, as I sit in my living room next to a cozy fire, I can look out my window and see the sun finally breaking through the dark rain clouds.
The view is so clear I can see the tops of the Blue Ridge Mountains towering over the trees ablaze of color in my neighborhood. It is quite a stunning view.
And in this quite, peaceful moment I am filled with awe of how amazing our God is.
Harry said to me yesterday after school, "Mom...I am finally seeing how beautiful fall is meant to be." It has been stunning here - a fall like I have never experienced in any place I have lived.
When I catch these glimpses of untouched beauty, I can't wait to see what heaven will be like. Harry and I often talk about heaven. He is afraid he will be bored. I remind him that there is no way he will be bored. I believe there will be mountain trails to hike and white water rapids to raft and waves to body surf. I believe there will be amazing banquets where loved ones gather for laughter and joy and fellowship. I believe there will be music - even electric guitars and drums that cause your body to move where people will sing and dance and praise God with nothing holding them back.

My brain can't understand ETERNITY. I guess that is where Harry thinks it will get boring.

I just tell him he better make sure he will be there.

It's not about going to church once a week. It's not about being a good person. It's not about saying the same prayer every night for dinner for the past 45 years. It's not about communion or baptism or hymns or clothing or denominations or rituals or habits.

It's about Jesus! Do you love him? Do you want to be in His presence ALWAYS? Do you want to DO what Jesus commanded? Do you even know what Jesus commanded? Do you KNOW Him?

I know him...and I long to know him more and more each day. I want to know his teachings and his words more and more as I grow up. I want to do the hard things that he commanded us to do. I don't want to just check the boxes and act like that is enough.

Jesus did not call us to a life of security and mediocrity. I am constantly measuring my life against that - I don't want to be mediocre. To ME...THAT is a boring life!

My New Heart

2011-11-02T17:53:00.001-07:00

Lord, I am trying! Or, actually, I have given up. Yea, that's the better to put it. I have given up once again. I have given up on figuring out George, or convincing him to be good, or banging my head against the wall as we work on homework. I have given up.

But, it's not what you think. I have given up my CONTROL.

And I turned back to my Father in heaven and told Him...it is ONLY through YOU that we will make it.

So, I woke up early and prayed for an hour. I begged God to come and work in me, through me, with me and pour love into George. I begged God to enable me to be a better mom, because I sure fail each and every day...especially with George.

And I told God that I would do my part. I would be in the Word today...I would stay close to Him..I would ABIDE.

Homework was a disaster...sigh....I failed that round.

But then, instead of letting it ruin my evening, I actually asked George if he wanted to help me in the kitchen as I got dinner ready. He was surprised, because I haven't done that for a long time. He helped set the table and then placed each full plate of dinner down carefully at each designated spot. He looked at me...I smiled, gave him a high-five and told him our proud I was of him.

After dinner, I was doing some work on the computer and he didn't leave my side. He was just talking and then he said, "I think I want to go back to the orphanage...the orphanage was fun."

I was stunned. Fun? What? Are you kidding me? I wanted to scream those words at him and shake him until the nonsense was shaking out of him!

But...I quickly breathed a prayer to God....a simply two word prayer..."Help me!"

And I stayed calm and quiet and asked George to tell me about the orphanage. I am learning that he doesn't always mean what he says, or say what he really means. And most times, he just wants to talk about something but doesn't know how to bring it up.

We talked....

and talked....

and talked...

and then, I asked him, "Do you think that all mommies leave?"

He choked on his cry as he tried to say, "Yes."

And he repeated something he has said quite a bit, "I didn't even get to say goodbye to her."

He told me about the day...THE DAY...how his momma got him dressed nicely, found a pair of shoes for him. He was thrilled because he hadn't owned a pair of shoes before. His momma said, "Let's take a walk."

And they walked...and got hungry...and his momma had a piece of bread for him and a yummy drink. He adds, "She didn't eat, but she was very hungry."

He told me how when he got to the orphanage, his momma looked all around and then told George to go to this big play area. George obeyed and started playing with toys. He remember seeing Tegene (Hi, Joseph's mom!!!) and how they smiled at each other and said hello.

And that was it.

She was gone.

He then always talks about having to drink something that tasted so bad and then was put to bed. This time he added how he cried and there was no one there who wanted him.

Tonight...I am so thankful at how God continues to work on BOTH George and I. Obviously, I have some serious heart work that STILL needs to take place...and so does George. And yet again, I am reminded that I need to LOVE him through this.

If you read this and think of me...I need your prayers. I can't do this alone. I can't love the way I should without daily prayers. I trust that God WILL answer those prayers. Help me. Because I WANT to love George with an everlasting love.

Tonight, we got much closer.

The Grateful Project

2011-11-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

My dear friend, Amy, comes up with the coolest ideas....the latest being The Grateful Project. And again...I am going to "steal" her idea...or maybe it sounds better if I am going to "join her" in this project.

On FB, I will post each day something I am thankful for. It is fitting to do so in November because of Thanksgiving. Truly, Thanksgiving is my FAVORITE holiday! I love making the turkey and all the fixin's, I love sitting around the table talking about what we are thankful for, I love the smell in the kitchen and the stuffed feeling at the end of the day. Love it all!

I usually pull out our Thankful Box (I am sure I have written a post about that someone - I will try to find it and link here) one week before Thanksgiving and then let the kids fill the box with their thoughts of thankfulness. After we eat our feast, we pass the box around the table and each person reads one of the thoughts. It will be extra fun this year because my mom and dad will be joining us!

So, I am going to focus on being thankful this month.....and in the spirit of continuing to copy Amy...here are some pictures from around our house :)

Happy Birthday to My Guys

2011-10-31T07:10:00.000-07:00

Two birthdays - yipee!

Throw in Trunk or Treat and it was a FULL weekend of celebrating.

Lincoln was soooooo excited to FINALLY get a DS (it's all he has wanted for over a year).

The kids gave Daddy a little German Shepherd figurine...knowing how much Gunnar means to Joe. Gunnar approved.

Trunk or Treating

2011-10-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

We attended our first ever Trunk or Treating event...and boy was it fun! The kids had a blast - and Joe and I were very inspired to kick our car-decorating up a notch next year - already making plans!

And best of all...we didn't spend a dime on our Halloween costumes :) I still haven't been able to shake the knowledge that Americans have spent over 6 billion dollars on Halloween this year. Like Harry said, "That could provide a lot of wells for clean water in Africa...but does anyone care about that?"

Heart Gallery

2011-10-28T17:18:00.000-07:00

I brought home a flier from the adoption conference that I purposefully laid out in the kitchen, waiting to see how my family would respond. The flier is the South Carolina Heart Gallery. If you are not sure what a Heart Gallery is, it is a photograph and description of several children who are available for adoption through the foster care system.

I was heart broken when I looked at the flier. Too many children who have no family. Too many children who just want a hope of a future. Too many children that will continue to be overlooked because they are "too old" or "too broken" or "too messed up". But, what I read were descriptions of my own children...loves music, likes to dance, loves to laugh and play...wants to know the love of a family.

I decided to keep the flier to pray for these kids. But I was curious as to what my children would say.

One by one, my children read or looked at the flier.

Eleanor looked at the flier and noticed that many of the kids were around her age and she said, "They deserve a special mom and dad."

Harry read every word and was very quiet afterward. We ended up having an amazing conversation about people in our lives who are so concerned with making their lives comfortable they are missing out on a life of meaning.

Isabel read the flier and then told me how sad she was, but felt lucky that she was not on that flier.

George announced all those kids need a mom and dad and it isn't good to be a kid alone.

Lincoln looked at the pictures, asked me the kids' names and then said, "We have room in our car for one more! Let's adopt again!"

Anna looked at the pictures for quite a while, didn't say anything and then walked over and hugged me.

Can I just insert here how much I love and adore ALL my children?

Joe shed a tear. He was particularly drawn to a young lady who was beautiful and said really funny things about what she likes.

We all agreed to keep the flier and to keep on praying for these kids.

Anna Banana

2011-10-27T16:55:00.001-07:00

I call Anna "Anna Banana". No real reason why - Joe I just love giving nicknames to our kiddos.

So, tonight, Anna was playing outside with her best buddy and it was getting dark. I opened the back door and called out, "Anna Banana! It's time to come in."

To which she replied, "OK Mommy Banana!"

I Can't Tell :)

2011-10-26T04:03:00.001-07:00

Sunshine was streaming through the windows of the church as birds were singing in the beautiful trees ablaze with red leaves. There was a cool breeze to make it the perfect October day in South Carolina.

All the people at the adoption conference were smiling and laughing and carrying on about how much adoption has meant to them. Couple after couple stood to the podium and made the same statements while smiles spread across their faces so wide I thought their cheeks might rip.

"There is NO difference in my love between my biological children and my adopted children."

"I can't even tell which are my adopted children and which are my biological children."

Ahhhhh - adoption.

Even the key-note speaker kept talking about "adopting babies" because "babies" are just so wonderful and cuddly and cute and even more wonderful!

Meanwhile, I sit there thinking I must be a horrible mom.

There IS a difference in my love. I haven't reached a point where I can't remember which of my children are adopted and which are not.

Sigh - adoption.

I love adoption conferences...but at the same time, I hate them. I left there feeling AGAIN like I am unusual or weird or worse yet...a FAILURE for not feeling like these happy moms cuddling their babies and saying things like "I have to laugh when someone asks me which one is adopted because golly, I just can't remember sometimes." When I look at my 6 lined up, I surely can tell right away which ones are adopted.

When I go to school conferences, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
When I go to a family wedding, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
When I walk into a store and get stared at, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
And when I tuck them in at night, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.

My adopted kids talk differently, they smell differently, they behave differently.

What about us moms who are struggling to make this work? What about us moms that 2 years in are still having daily battles (mainly within myself)? I am part of a board where the moms are brutally and refreshingly honest. We tell each other when we are struggling...and believe me...many of us ARE!

But, who gets paraded on the stage at an adoption conference? They JCrew wearing, clear skinned, recently dyed-hair pastor's wife who announces to the crowd with her bleached white teeth that, "Gee willikers, people always ask me if I love my adopted baby here - isn't he cute - the same as I love my biological kids...and let me tell you, golly gee, that I absolutely love this adorable wubbie-tubbie cutie pie." And the audience all claps and smiles and sighs and thinks, "THAT is what adoption is."

And don't get me wrong - for some people THAT IS what adoption is like. But what about the rest of us?

Trip To Ohio

2011-10-24T04:19:00.000-07:00

We took a little, whirl-wind trip back to Cincinnati, Ohio. This is the city where Joe and I met, where we dated for 2 years and where he asked me to marry him. We have been back before with the kids, driving around in the car and saying things like, "That is where Mommy used to live." And then, "This is the street Daddy's apartment was on."

But this trip seemed different. We stayed right on the Ohio River and had the opportunity to walk around downtown Cincinnati. This is where Joe and I had so many dates and where we spent so much of our two years while we both lived here. It really was FUN!

Plus..our kids are getting to an age where THEY are fun! Our older ones have such a good sense of humor and they can make me laugh so hard. No longer do I need to carry around a diaper bag or make sure someone is getting to bed on time. It's pretty wonderful to watch my kids grow up into their own people.

How God Works

2011-10-18T06:16:00.000-07:00

God gets the glory.

And here is how He is doing just that in Wisconsin today.

Finally, the Senate will be voting on AB30, The Safe Families Bill. It was one year ago this week that I sat in an office in the state house in Madison and heard the head of DCFS say, "You will never be allowed to do Safe Families in Wisconsin."

It was one year ago this week that I cried in my car driving home from Madison, praying that God would do something.

It was one year ago this week that I determined to keep moving forward. God said, "Keep fighting." So, I did. I recruited families. I placed two little boys.

And then God moved. Along comes Representative Dale Kooyenga. He said, "I'll do this with you." And Representative Kooyenga got busy in Madison.

I and prayed. And I begged everyone I knew in Wisconsin to send emails and make phone calls to their Representatives in Madison. We were making progress!

Then, dum-dum-dum (enter scary music)...the Budget Repair Bill hit. Sigh. Everything halted in Madison - and don't even get me started about the teacher's unions and the ridiculous protests, but I guess from that statement you know how I feel about it all.

God continued to move. He pricked the hearts of certain people in Madison who continued to carry the torch even through the muck of the protests and the fighting and the yelling and the name-calling. Quietly, our little bill stayed alive.

We passed the Assembly committee. We passed the Assembly. We passed the Senate committee. Then....STALL.

I have so much to say about a certain Senator who was annoyed at hearing from his constituents..but I will save THAT for another shout-out after the bill is signed by the governor!

Because of this STALL...we faced uncertainty. Will we ever get this bill to a vote in the Senate? Will it just die here in committee land?

I moved. Now what? I KNOW this is so much bigger than one stay-at-home mom, but who was going to be the bull-dog now?

Um....Traci....you are so foolish sometimes...I AM GOD.

So, here is where it gets really cool! Apparently, a few years ago, this certain Senator had a certain man as his chief of staff. Well...that certain man was called into active duty and had to leave WI, and his job as this Senator's chief of staff. He moved to a state where Safe Families is legal and he and his wife BECAME a Safe Family! Then, in late September, this certain man called up the certain Senator and said, "Hey! I am in town for the night...let's catch up over dinner!" The certain Senator said, "Sounds good."

And over the course of a two hour dinner, the certain man told the certain Senator about this amazing ministry he was involved with..."it's called Safe Families and it is changing our lives and our community". The certain Senator had a light-bulb moment...Safe Families sounds familiar.."oh yes...I have a piece of legislation sitting on my desk waiting for a vote."

God...ONLY God could have orchestrated that dinner. Only God could have known that the once chief of staff for the certain Senator who was holding up a certain piece of legislation would someday become a Safe Family and then advocate for it with NO IDEA that the certain Senator needed to put it to a vote!

To God be the glory!

Another Dose of Adoption Reality

2011-10-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Conferences.

I used to love conferences. I would hear wonderful things about my children, "They are doing so well." "They are so smart." "They are natural leaders."

Now, I experience the "other side" of conferences.

"He is failing most of his classes." "She has a hard time listening." "She is way behind." "We are going to have to think about holding him back."

So many words coming at me as I meet with teacher after teacher. I go from one extreme to the other as I bounce around between the different grades. The reality goes like this...my two hand-picked kiddos suffer from developmental delays, educational delays, emotional delays...basically, they are delayed in every possible way except maybe physically.

They were not rocked and sung to as babies. They did not have nurseries and play rooms filled with stimulating colors and shapes. They were not read to as toddlers. They never sang the ABC song. The did not practice counting to 5. They did not watch Sesame Street and hear the monsters rhyme words. They don't know the letters in their name.

And then, they go to school, where they are surrounded by children who HAVE done all those things.

But wait, they are still learning a language. They still have a long way to go to feel safe and secure. They are trying to catch up from years of malnourishment. So, on top of trying to focus on vocabulary words or the seasons or the days of the week, their little brains are trying to take in a clean classroom filled with colorful posters and bins filled with math manipulatives and mobiles hanging from the ceiling and a tee-pee reading tent in the corner and book shelves filled with books!

Then, you throw in the cultural differences. Here, we look adults in the eye. In ET, if a child looks an adult in the eye, they risk a smack on the head. Here, we value education In ET, there is perceived very little need for education. The list goes on and on.

So, I sat in the conferences with teachers who LOVE my children - thank you Lord! They are talking with me weekly, if not daily some times, to do what is best for my kiddos. They are amazed how far they have come...but overwhelmed with how far they have to go.

This is just another dose of adoption reality.

Hot or Cold

2011-10-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

These days, George is either hot or cold.
He is either stomping off to his room, blabbering something about running away and hating us....
or...
he is curled up by my side, stroking my face, telling me how much he loves me.
There is very little in between.
There is very little normalcy.
I am trying this new method of parenting George. He is no longer getting attention when he misbehaves. And I am trying to remember to lavish him with love when he IS behaving.

But, the struggle is in my heart. Because when he is blabbering about hating me and wanting to run away, I take those words deep into my heart and I don't want to let them go. So, when he cuddles up to me, I almost despise his love because I don't feel it is real.

This is the reality of my life with an adopted child who is broken, fragile, and so deeply hurting. He cried to me the other day that he can't remember anything about his Africa Daddy. That made him so sad.

I laid on the couch about 3:30am this morning (some sick kids) and prayed that God would continue what he has started in George's heart: HEALING. Sometimes, I am angry at how long it is taking....other times I am convicted that I am not doing enough in the healing process....and yet other times I recognize how far we have all come. But, this boy needs HEALING. He needs to know the LOVE that never fails.

I read of a friend of mine back in Milwaukee who suddenly found herself on the news and in the papers. Her adopted daughter from Ethiopia ran away because she was angry about being punished. Oh, how I know exactly what that is like! Oh, how I fear the day George DOES walk out the door in his anger and we find ourselves working with the police to find him. Oh, how I fear the day he hurts someone or makes a really bad decision. It COULD happen.

All the love and stability and forgiveness and comfort and food and shelter we provide COULD lead up to NOTHING. I know a BATTLE rages in George's soul! I see it...every day. This child is so torn between good and evil. Evil has won so many times in his short life that he feels more comfortable with that side. We are fighting hard to pull him to the good side. Some days, I am tired of fighting.

Russell Moore just wrote a blog piece saying :DON'T ADOPT! He is right. ALL of us are not called to adopt because this is a HARD, HARD road. I don't understand why God CHOSE our road to be so difficult. He also blessed us with Anna, whose road has been lined with tulips and butterflies (comparatively speaking!). So, I know adoption CAN be so wonderful. Why did God ask Joe and I to take such a HARD road?

If you know the answer, can you tell me?

In the meantime, I muddle through each day, wondering which George I will have any given minute.

Pretty Soon!

2011-10-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Pretty soon, Anna will legally be OURS!

We meet with our new lawyer this week to begin the process. In WI, we had to wait 6 months before we could legally adopt Anna. The end of October marks that 6 month mark. So, we are getting ready.

I have so much to share about sweet Anna! But, I just don't feel comfortable doing so until she is legally ours.

I will say this, disruption is heartbraking! But...I know this....Anna WELDIE was PLAN A. It just took an unexpected journey to bring her to our family.

I can't wait to be able to tell you all about Anna, her life, her story and how perfect she is for our family.

Would you please pray for us? We have to trust the Lord for the money to come - from where - I have no idea - to finalize the adoption. Because of the move, our savings has been wiped out. We are stepping forward trusting that God will provide the lawyer fees and the court costs and the new homestudy fee. Also, please pray for our protection...that we get to finalize the adoption before the end of the year and officially give Anna her new name. Thank you!

Pretty soon!

"Not a Good Boy"

2011-10-09T19:14:00.001-07:00

Every day I am learning more and more about what makes George tick.

Saturday morning, George was having a rough one. I can't remember exactly what set him off. I think it was that we ran out of T*aster Strudel. Or maybe it was because Lincoln got to go with Daddy for a quick trip to the store. It really doesn't matter what the reason is, George will find any way to be angry these days.

My challenge is to not engage him when he is acting that way. So, he stormed up the stairs saying hateful, awful things. Oh, how tired I am of writing this same story out! But, he does it again and again, so this is my life.

Two days in a row of George pouting and whining about not getting SOME THING that he wanted. And Joe finally had enough.

After a bit, George had finally settled down enough to to talk. Joe talked to him about his behavior, how it simply is unacceptable for him to act the way he does when he doesn't get his way. They talked and then Joe said, "George...you ARE a GOOD BOY...now BE a GOOD BOY."

George's face broke into a million pieces suddenly and the tears raced down his cheeks.

"I don't believe I am a good boy."

Oh, Georgie - why would you say that?

"Because my Africa mommy gave up on me."

I think we are finally getting to a heart issue. George does not believe he is good at heart and so he acts out what he believes he is.

How do I answer? How do I even begin to re-build a child who has been so hurt?

I am learning that this is not a quick-fix and I am learning this is a hard road. Yes, I chose this road....but as I think of my son in all his brokenness and grief...I am willing to walk the hard road.

Through it all, I know God chose THIS broken boy for me. God knew how much I needed to be changed through this . So, not only is my story about adopting a boy from Africa, it is TRULY about a woman who is learning (slowly, I might add) to look more like Jesus.

The Fear That Runs Deep

2011-10-07T09:53:00.000-07:00

I have observed a couple of things in my relationship with George lately. These things used to drive me crazy, but now, I understand.

George tends to get angry very easily. When he gets angry, he sulks away, usually doing this Ethiopian cry/whine type thing. Needless to say, it totally grates on our nerves. He tries to engage in an argument and I am learning to not go there. I have learned to stay calm, state my case, and then say, "I am done talking about this until you calm down."

We have implemented grounding lately. No more yelling. No more spankings. George now gets grounded to his room. The door can stay open, and he can listen to music or play with his toys, and he can sit in the window and watch what is going on outside...but he must stay in his room. So far.....(huge so far!)....this is "working".

Some times, grounding won't work....like when we are walking to the school bus, or when everyone is going to bed and essentially "grounded" to their rooms anyway. I have noticed that when George is angry with me, he will hang on to that anger for as long as he can. He will do everything he can to make me KNOW that he is angry with me.

Now, for the record, ALL my kids get angry with me. Yes, I am THAT type of mom who sometimes says things the way they are, and a mom who does not treat all 6 kids FAIRLY (not all will get dessert - just those that finish their dinner type of mom). I speak honestly with my children and I let them know what I expect out of them. Sometimes, they don't like that. And they get angry.

When the others get angry, they very easily fall asleep or get on the school bus. But...NOT GEORGE....

I have noticed that George WILL hang on to the anger for as long as he possibly can. Typically, he will climb out of bed after the house gets quiet and tip-toe into my room and say, "I'm sorry, Momma." We reconcile, we hug and George skips off to bed with a smile on his face. This scenario happens over and over and over and over again. I am so used to it I can almost predict to the minute when he will be coming down the stairs.

Well, this morning, something finally dawned on me. This morning, as I was helping Lincoln with his shoes, I sighed and said out loud, "Buddy, you really need some new shoes."

Anna piped in, "Me too, Mommy!"

"Yes, sweetie. You do, too."

"Mom, I could really use a new pair of tennis shoes for volleyball," said Isabel

Another big sigh. "OK. You are right. I will run out to the store today and get you three some new shoes because you really need them."

At this point, George lets us all know how upset he is by his HUGE whine.

"George, I know how important shoes are to you. I know you want to make sure you always have shoes and never want to be without them again. But, can you tell me how many shoes you have right now in your closet?'

He counts in his head meticulously.

"12", he answers. Now, for the record, I think a child having 12 pairs of shoes is ridiculous. But, George needs to have shoes in every room and be able to change his shoes every day in order to feel secure. He has been focused on shoes since the day we picked him up. He would stop on the streets of Addis Ababa when he saw a pair of shoes for sale. He would plant himself and refuse to move. At night, he would cry and scream when we would take his shoes off of him when it was time to crawl into bed. He has purposefully ripped his shoes just to be sure he would get a new pair (I hope this trend is slowly being broken!). And remember the HORRIFIC airport scene? Yup...SHOES...at the center of it all!

I try to talk to him about how he could wear a different pair of shoes each day of the week and STILL have 5 more pair to wear the next week before finally putting on a pair for the 2nd time.

No help.

He is angry. No, he is furious. He just can't get over the fact that he is not going to get a new pair of shoes today.

He walks all the way to the bus ANGRY. He walks about 10 paces in front of us. He refuses to sit with us on the curb as we wait. He won't even look at the rest of us as we talk.

But then the bus comes.

Suddenly, he races over to me, wrapping his arms around me and says, "I am sorry, Momma! I love you so much ."

And I get it....he wants to...no....NEEDS to....reconcile before there is any separation between us. The fear that runs deep in his little heart is that we will never be reconciled. His fear is that this anger will forever separate us. And no matter how angry he is with me...he needs to know I love him before he leaves my presence in any way.

And I wondered...was he angry when his Africa Mommy left him? Had he been pouting? Had he been angry? Did he say something mean to her?

And then....he never had the chance to say he was sorry or say he really DID love her.

Imagine that. Loving someone so dearly and suddenly never having the chance to tell them you love them? I can only imagine how that regret and pain run so deeply in a child.

Separated from the one he loved. And then, left in an orphanage. Then taken by strange ferenji who looked nothing like him and spoke a language he had never heard.

It breaks my heart to think of the fear that runs so deep in his little heart.

The Orphan's Table

2011-09-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

My love for advocacy for the orphan has not diminished at all! In fact, I have been praying for a few years that God would open up opportunities for me to share the news about orphans.

Orphan Sunday is coming up on November 6th so I thought I would throw something out to the youth leaders at the church we are attending. I said, I would be willing to host the

Orphan's Table. And guess what?

They said, "Sounds like a great idea! Let's get together and talk about it."

So...we will meet next week.

I also decided to join the local alliance for orphans. No, I am not leading an orphan ministry. No, I am not representing Safe Families. No, I am not doing really anything other than refusing to put out the Holy Spirit's fire. God has put this burning into my soul and I need to continue to feed the fire...letting it burn!

Our experiences in adopting orphans could not be more different. But both of my children are so broken and need so much love. And they both need to feel God's love. And KNOW God's love. And then, I think of the other 150 million orphans in the world who don't know God's love and my heart breaks. I have trouble keeping the tears at bay.

There are children going to sleep tonight in Africa who are HUNGRY, have not been kissed goodnight or tucked into a warm, comfortable bed. And that continues to

BREAK

HEART.

YOU can host the Orphan's Table! Check it out here and see how YOU can bring the message to your community, your family or your church.

Attitude of Gratitude

2011-09-28T11:34:00.001-07:00

I have had a poor attitude lately. I love change and I was excited to move. But the reality is moving is hard. Change is hard.

Joe challenged me to develop an attitude of gratitude. And I have read many blogs that are purposefully writing about things they are grateful for. So...here it goes.

I am grateful for our new home. We have so much room! We never feel like we are on top of each other.

I am grateful for a steady income, health insurance and work in a job market that looks very bleak.

I am grateful for my children's schools and teachers. Once I finally was able to move Eleanor and Harry to magnet schools, I have been so impressed with their education. I absolutely love Anna's teacher (who absolutely loves Anna!), and Lincoln's teacher is really pushing him educationally. George's teacher is good and Isabel is enjoying her teacher a great deal.

I am grateful for the boys' soccer. I put Lincoln and George into a church based soccer program. I love it! Not so over-the-top competitive and the coaches pray with their teams and talk about Jesus during half time. And...both the boys are proving to be decent players.

I am grateful for good neighbors. We have a older man next door who loves Gunnar - almost as much as we do! And on the other side, is a family with 4 kids. Anna plays with Sarah Grace. Harry plays with Eli. And Eleanor gets a ride with the two high school boys.

I am grateful for my Bible study. I hated it the first day. I cried and wanted to leave. But now, I laugh, I cry (the good kind of cry) and I look forward to each Wednesday. And these ladies are encouraging me to grow in the Lord.

I am grateful for my husband having a home office when he isn't traveling. We have discovered the joy of sneaking off for morning walks followed by a brunch where we talk about everything.

I am grateful for the weekends when we are all together as a family. We have done things like ocean visits, mountain climbs and zoo discoveries.

I am grateful that the Lord is always with me, never forsaking me (even when I deserve it) and teaching me to trust Him completely.

Siblings

2011-09-27T04:25:00.001-07:00

My Life

2011-09-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

My life is whizzing by....

We have entered into such a different phase of our lives! We lived so simply and quietly for so many years....and now....it is so different. I am not sure I like it. Although, I am trusting the Lord that there is a reason for this change.

All of this is to teach us something...or prepare us for something...or both. Or maybe, this season is just about giving the kids what they need. I write that and I have to balk...they HAD all the needed. No, they didn't have designer clothes or new shoes or braces...but they had us HOME...all the time....spending TIME together.

Joe and I miss our life back in Wisconsin. It was simple. We had intentionally made it simple.

Now, it's very complicated.

I am mostly a single mom now. And Joe is mourning the loss of his time with us. It hurts him to hear all that we are doing while he is away. Yet, he is happy that the kids are happy.

I miss the role I used to have that was so clear...Mom. Now, most of the week, I am wearing both Mom and Dad hats.

We feel empty at church. We like the church...but...it's different.

We are desperately waiting on the Lord to let us know His plan for us here.

I KNOW He will let us know...and I KNOW His plan often takes longer than we want it to...and I KNOW His plan is a good one.

My dad told Joe that he may now have the opportunity to influence hundreds of lives in this new position. And he does. He is already faced with doing the corporate world different than his peers. Marriages all around him are crumbling. Kids are not talking to their dads. Men spend most of their nights in hotel rooms. Joe is fighting and needs all our prayers. He DOES have an amazing opportunity to reflect the LIGHT of JESUS in a dark world.

As for me? I am not sure what God has in store for me....right now, I have been consumed with helping my children adjust and supporting my husband. I truly feel like a helpmeet these days. I am not focusing on ministry or outside work...just on making my home a refuge for all my loved ones. I have moved Eleanor and Harry to magnet schools and am working with George's teacher daily to make sure he is getting what he needs. Isabel has begged to start playing volleyball - so she started this week. Lincoln and George started soccer. Anna is waiting patiently to start ballet.

And the details of packing lunches, making sure all forms are signed, getting immunizations filled in on the "right" form (crazy SC stuff!!!), writing schedules on the calendar, listening to beginning readers to teenagers ask tough questions...it is all I can do to keep my head above water. I am grateful that the kids are all HAPPY...I mean they really are HAPPY.

So..for them...I lay down my life for this season.

I WILL Write Again

2011-09-18T06:54:00.000-07:00

I WILL write on my blog again.
I WILL write on my blog again.
I WILL write on my blog again.
I WILL write on my blog again.

Suffering from writer's block....nothing coming though despite a lot happening in our lives.

I think I just need a day or two of sleep...like the whole day type of sleep.

Or maybe I just need to force myself to sit down and WRITE!

We had our neighbors over for ice-cream last night. 8 families showed up (we were worried only our kids' friends would show up). It was wonderful to see the neighbors talking to each other, everyone laughing and mingling. There were neighbors who live right across the street from each other for years who never really have talked! That amazes me!

I am thinking of organizing a Christmas Progressive Dinner....wouldn't that be fun?

Yeah...that's all I've got these days.

Pretty pathetic. Oh, and Lincoln is home sick. Go Pack!

School Visit

2011-09-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Life with George continues to be hard.

But, I have YET AGAIN confessed to the Lord that the problem is ME....I am angry at George for not loving me the way I think I should be loved by him. And, I think that's really it.

In church on Sunday, we sang "You Are God Alone, from before time began. You are on your throne...You are God alone. And right now, through the good times and bad, You are on your throne...You are God alone." The Spirit was moving among the congregation and true worshipers, with hands raised and voices lifted, sang the words that simply told God who He was. The worship leader led us in a quiet time of prayer and I knew then...it was time to confess my hard heart.

I wept with my face in my hands. Oh, God...I have been so hard hearted toward George. Please forgive me.

Since Sunday, I have been working on a new attitude toward George. I need to allow him to be him. I need to remember that I can't undo 6 horribly hard years in 2 years. And foolish I am to think that the last 2 years have been wonderful for him! He was flown in an airplane for 18 hours with two people who he didn't know and couldn't talk to. He was thrown into a family full of fair skinned, blue eyed people who knew each other inside and out. It has not been easy for him at all.

Tonight, we piled into the Suburban and went to the elementary kids' open house. We started with Lincoln - who is rockin' Kindergarten by the way! Then, off to Anna's room. I will write more on her in a later post - but her teacher is amazing! It was time to have George lead us to his classroom. He was nervous - acting "weird" - but at least we now know how to recongize it. Even though my insides said, "NO!", I reached across the hallway and began walking hand in hand with George and whispered in his ear that everything was going to be OK.

We had a great time talking with his teacher and watching George, with pride, show us what he is reading and writing. It was time to leave and he grabbed my hand and said, "Oh, momma! I need to show you this."

It was a newspaper page - a This Is Me - type of project. He pointed to a column on the bottom half of the page that was titled, "My Hero". And there, he wrote in his best handwriting, "My mommy and daddy are my heroes."

Thank you, Lord, for this gift tonight. It was as if God was sending me a message that said, "I saw you in the church. I saw your broken heart as you wept and confessed. That is what I desire...a broken and contrite heart. Trust me to give you what you need. I chose George for YOU. Let this time tranform you. "

OK, God.

Created For Care

2011-09-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

I am so, so excited that God gave me a little miracle today. I was invited to attend the Created For Care Retreat for adoptive moms. It is in Georgia, only a few hours away. It is also in January - awesome! I mean, who does anything in January?

So, I decided to go. I was told to register right away because last year it sold out in 2 days. About 10am, I went to the side to register. I got all the way through until the payment portion. Some crazy stuff started happening, I was told I HAD to use my P*yP*l account. I used that account about 6 years ago when I bought something off eb*y. I haven't touched it since then. I kept getting this message, 'You still have money in the account." I had to laugh. I know I have .08 in there. Seriously, .08 and they are still insisting I use that account to pay for the retreat. And trust me, the retreat is way more than eight cents!

So, I got frustrated and stopped. I had tried to enter my credit card number 3 times and each time I was kicked out of the payment section and told that I had to use my P*yP*l account.

Literally, within 5 minutes, the retreat was SOLD OUT.

I was bummed.

Add that to being a single parent for the third straight week and I about lost it. In fact, I did lose it. I let myself cry. I was truly sad that I couldn't even get this one weekend get-away.

Then, around 5pm, I get this email that says, "You must have been kicked out during your registration, you have 24 hours to complete your registration."

What?

So, I went back to the site and tried the same credit card number. I paused a minute before I hit "enter", even cringing in anticipation that I would get that same message. But, instead, I got in!

I know it is months away. And I know it is only one weekend for other adoptive moms. But, oh, how the Lord knew I could use this time of refreshment.

Thank you, God, for this little miracle. You showed me that You see me.

Here is the link to the retreat, in case you want to go next year :) Created to Care

Breaking Strongholds

2011-08-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am starting Breaking Free by Beth Moore today. I don't think it is a coincidence I am doing this study for such a time as this. I started the study 2 years ago and stopped about 4 weeks in (schedule conflicts with meetings), and regrettably never finished it. But, in hindsight, I think God was waiting until NOW for me to do this study.

On the way to church, my brain was telling me over and over again how much of a failure as a mom I am. I just read a FB post of a dear friend whose adopted son called her his angel. I rejoiced for her, but inside my heart shattered into a million pieces. Why can't my adopted son feel that way about me? Why am I still struggling with the SAME issues 2 and half years in to this adoption journey?

George sucks the life out of me. If I am not disciplining him, I am doing homework with him. If I am not doing homework with him, he is causing problems in another room and I have to go settle things. If, by some miracle, he is in a good mood, he is clinging to my leg, rubbing my arm, holding my hand and talking incessantly to me. Either way, it's all about George. All the time. He takes and takes and takes...and my other children are starting to really resent us both. Spending two hours on homework with George means the little ones don't get read to and the older ones have to figure out their work on their own. Constantly talking to George - because he demands to be constantly talked to - means I don't have time or energy to talk to the others.

Just last night, we were on the driveway drawing with colored chalk. All the kids are drawing and all the kids want to show me their creations. But George DEMANDS it by calling my name 17 times....loudly....even if I am in a conversation with someone else. I am trying to talk to my neighbor and he is screaming "Momma!" literally 17 times until I look over at his drawing.

And what does George give in return?

Nothing.

All of the other 5 kids take. But they also GIVE. They give genuine smiles and they truly care how my day was. They sit with me and listen and laugh and share. They hug me goodnight and tell me how much they love me.

Now, I know parenting is NOT about what our children give us..but come on .. can I be honest and say that any relationship is about give and take? When one person is just taking....the relationship suffers.

So.. the devil has been telling me for a while now that I suck as a mom. I haven't been able to reach George - so I must be a loser. I am not giving my other children what they deserve - so I am totally incapable. Other moms can do it all. Other moms can adopt and their lives are rainbows and cupcakes.

My life is chaos...loud fighting before school, losing kids in the new neighborhood, a giant dog tearing after the innocent family walking by....pure chaos.

So, I drive to Bible study fighting back the tears but convinced that I have been just horrible as a mom!

I get there...NO ONE even smiles or says hello. I try to register (a computer kiosk) and that doesn't work...but there is NO ONE to offer help. Defeated, I sat outside the large group room. I debated leaving. At one point, I even walked down the stairwell to reach the parking lot. But something pulled me back.

If you have ever done a Beth Moore study, you know there is a video component of her teaching. I sucked it up, slinked into the room and took a set in the back row.

And then God spoke to me.

Through Beth Moore.

"A stronghold is when you are mentally preoccupied by something."

Failure as mom. Should have never adopted. Settling for unhappiness for the next 15 years.

These are the preoccupations of my mind lately. Probably for the past 2 years!

I didn't think there was a stronghold in my life. Typically, my "strongholds" have been pride, selfishness, etc. So, when I thought about doing this study, I checked my little box that said, "My name is Traci and I struggle with pride." But, maybe God has really worked on that in my life - for I am surely not the same woman I was years ago who thought she knew it all. No, my stronghold was my belief that I am FAILING.

I AM in bondage. Bondage is anything that hinders me from the ABUNDANT and EFFECTIVE spirit filled life from God.

John 15:8 says, "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

MUCH FRUIT.

God does not want me to live in bondage to my belief in my failing. His glory is that I bear much fruit...that I love my children so abundantly that THEY reflect that love. I want the world to see that I am HIS DISCIPLE. And through being His disciple, there is much fruit.

This is not going to be an easy time for me. I feel that I have finally come to the breaking point with my relationship with George. I need to trust that God has this all figured out...and there are certain characteristics, though patterns, parenting styles that need to be broken in order for God to work.

I hate feeling like a failure...and I know God does not condemn with labels like that. But, I know I need to start breaking some strongholds.

I Can't Seem to Be The Grown-Up

2011-08-30T05:41:00.001-07:00

I admit it....I am selfish and can be a total brat sometimes. I think of myself all the time. I hide chocolate from the kids...well, maybe that isn't so bad?

Seriously, I am still - yes, still struggling with my feelings and love toward George. I can say that I truly love him now...but most days it sure doesn't FEEL like love. It feels like TOLERANCE.

I tolerate his whining and his ever present bad attitude. I tolerate his wetting the bed every single night. I tolerate his defiance about every small issue. I tolerate his selfishness when it comes to food and things.

And some days...in all honesty...I don't even tolerate. I get angry and frustrated.

Is two and a half years long enough?

Obviously, it isn't with George.

We had a heart to heart talk last night. It started in anger because he lied...AGAIN. He lies all the time. He also has decided that his role in our family is to boss everyone else around...with lies. He went outside and told Lincoln and Anna that it was time to come in and go to bed. It was 6:30 and they had just gone outside from dinner. They were clearly upset...with me...and came in crying.

They told me what George said. George stood inches from my face screaming, "I did not say that!" I asked Harry to verify and he said that yes, George went outside and told the little ones they had to come in and go to bed.

I told George I would not put with up lying and that he is getting into a bad habit of lying to me.

He stormed up the stairs, screaming, "I'm a liar and you hate liars so you should just get rid of me."

After he settled down, I went into his room to talk to him. And then...it came out....he hurts everyone around him because he doesn't want to be hurt. He told me that if he is the "bad guy", then he won't get hurt.

I asked him how that is working for him?

Not so well. We are ALL angry at him. We are ALL frustrated with him.

There are days and moments where George is a sweet boy who laughs with us and is kind. But the mean, selfish boy is what dominates his character most days. And instead of being the grown-up, who understands the incredibly hard life from which he came, I pout and cry and have pity parties. I cry out to God shouting, "I am SO SICK OF THIS!" I still wonder WHY God chose George for me....

I don't know how to break the bad character that so desperately clings to George's soul. I don't know how to convince him that being the "bad guy" is not going to do any good in our family. But, George is dead set on hurting others before we hurt him.

How do we change this?

Only through the LOVE of GOD. Before we adopted George, I did not know the love of God. I did not know about the LOVE that transforms and encompasses and heals. I know God is asking me to be that LOVE to George...and I FAIL time and time again! Oh, Lord, forgive my weaknesses and my inablity to LOVE the way You do! Teach me to LOVE George all over again. Teach me to FORGIVE and to EMBRACE George with a healing LOVE.

It's the ONLY WAY.

My Kids are My Idol? What???

2011-08-24T05:50:00.000-07:00

God got my attention yesterday. After whining and complaining for days...He finally stepped in and made a point.

I have been making my kids an idol.

Typically, I would scoff at that - I don't idolize my children.

What God taught me was that I am CONSUMED with them.

I think about them all the time - how are the doing in school? Are they making friends? Are they getting enough to eat at lunch? Are they behaving? Are they being good for their teachers? How did they do on their quiz? On and on and on.....

I wouldn't say I worry about that. I wouldn't say that can't function during the day without them.

I would say they CONSUME most of my quiet thoughts.

And that is WRONG.

God wants me to meditate on HIM...be CONSUMED with HIM.

God reminded me that those 6 children are HIS. I should know this better than most - for I have two that I call my own even though I did not give birth to them and did not raise them for the first 5 years of their lives. Yet, I call them mine. Really, all of "my" kids are God's precious children. He has entrusted their care here on earth to me and that's it....He does the rest.

He watches over them day and night. He sees what they are doing. He provides. He teaches. He guides.

Today...my thoughts are going to be CONSUMED with my FATHER.

Living in a Foreign Land

2011-08-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

Where ARE we?

Joe and I have looked at each other recently and asked that question. We look around and are baffled by what we see, hear, and smell. Everything seems so different from what we have known.

This move has been monumental. Huge.

We have moved across the country...multiple times...but this time has been the biggest move so far. I believe it has to do with our large family and the ages of the children. Before, there were only a couple of kids and they were still at home. Change was slight...really...just location, but our lives remained pretty much the same. The middle of California was not so unlike the midwest, and Wisconsin was definitely close to how Joe and I both grew up.

But here? DIFFERENT!

Slow..... accents I can't understand..... terms I have never heard (doubl' ought????).... slow..... loud, dark church...... schools that are SO different.....slow..... crazy driving where people come to a stand still when it rains.....did I mention slow?

I had decided to pick up my kids from school each day. Bad idea. Apparently, you have to line up to pick up your kids 2 hours in advance. Yes, you are reading that correctly. The first day of school, I thought, "Oh, I will leave about 10 minutes early to be sure I am there when they get out." HA! Little did I know that most moms in Greenville have NOTHING to do other than sit in their cars and wait for their kids to get out of school - I was about 100 cars back that first day - took my 35 minutes to get through the line and pick up my kiddos. Now, multiply that by 3 schools and you will see how I have been 3 hours of each afternoon here....sitting in a long line waiting to pull up to the designated pick-up area.

So, I said, "Enough of that craziness! The kids will ride the bus home."

The middle school put Harry on the wrong bus. He spent over 3 and a half hours riding a bus that wasn't his! We had to call the police to find him because the bus company didn't answer their phones.

I go to the high school open house, anxious to redeem a bad day. We go to English class - looking forward to hearing about Eleanor's loves (reading and writing). The teacher welcomed us in and then said, "I don't have anything to say, so do you have questions."

Uh....what?

So, I ask, "What are the books you will be reading?" She gives me a run down - 90% of which Eleanor read LAST year.

I ask, "What kind of writing projects will you be working on?" She answers, "Not much."

We sit in silence for a few minutes and then Joe says, "Well, I guess that's it, " and stormed out the room.

Go on to Science where we are told first thing about how they don't have enough money, they off to math where the teacher says she hasn't had time to work out her policies so she doesn't really know what to tell us.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Oh, and then Sunday. I attended a rock concert - complete with smoke systems, strobe lights and sound levels that caused ringing in my ears. And, this coming from the girl who LOVES concerts - I mean loves, loves, loves loud music, strobe lights and smoke. But on Sunday morning? I had no idea when to sing or even if we were supposed to sing because I couldn't even hear myself think. I looked over at Eleanor and tears were streaming down her face. She looked at me and asked, "Where ARE we?"

I feel a bit like the writers of the Psalms who were held captive in a foreign land asking, "How can we sing?" I KNOW where I am supposed to put my trust and my hope...thank God I know that because this has almost been enough to crush my spirit. I look around and wonder, "God...what do you want me to do here? I feel like I am in a foreign land and I can't even begin to minister to people when I need the ministering now."

And as I write this...God brings to mind the last sermon I heard at Elmbrook. Sweet Elmbrook. Sweet Jill Briscoe. She taught us about the widow and the little pot of oil. I have heard it before, I have even read her book, but it obviously is a lesson God wanted me to revisit. I am like the widow - I have NOTHING to give, NOTHING to offer because I feel so empty. Yet...I am not empty and out of faithfulness, I need to start pouring out my oil.

I don't even know where to start. Oh, yes...I do know... my neighbors! When we arrived, our next door neighbors told us this block was "stuck up" and nobody cares about anyone else. We are going to change that. Already, we have asked neighbors to come outside. And last night, there was a rousing game of kick-ball that took place with some of the neighborhood children.

I'll just start here and see what God does next.

Tough Day

2011-08-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was hard on the kids....

All were tired...many were grumpy...most were hot....some cried...a lot.

Isabel is in a class with 18 boys and 4 girls...and the other girls already know each other and didn't include Isabel at all.

Eleanor - well, just imagine going to a brand new high school, recently moved (like 2 days ago) from out of state and being 14. She is not happy. I haven't seen a smile for a while.

I begged God in the car this morning...I cried out to Him and said, "You are faithful! You WILL answer our prayers! Please don't allow my girls to hurt so much anymore!"

Why can't ONE nice girl reach out to them?

Sigh.

AWOL

2011-08-17T09:07:00.000-07:00

I know! I have been a horrible blogger lately! Honestly, I am up to my eyeballs with un-packing right now. We made it safely to Greenville and have jumped right into our new lives. All six kids started school today - this momma is a bit nervous, but keep taking it to the Lord.

I promise to catch up soon.

Until then, please visit Feet 2 Our Faith - the blog is on the side - right over there...these dear friends of mine are in Uganda and you will be inspired by the stories!

Do You Know?

2011-08-06T08:11:00.001-07:00

I apologize for not keeping up with the blog writing lately....I have been so busy. We leave next week and I have an entire house to pack on top of caring for 6 children and a huge dog.

But, even in the midst of thinking so much about my self, my children, my things, my new house, my drive to South Carolina....God has successfully interrupted my thoughts of my self to remind me of the horrible drought taking place in areas of eastern Africa.

Ethiopia, Kenya and Somalia are being affected. Predictions are deaths in the millions.

While we argue over spending trillions of dollars and debt ceilings, children are dying in Africa because they can't get enough food to eat.

While we purchase back to school supplies and new outfits for picture day, mothers are holding their starving children and praying that God would rescue them.

While we sit in air conditioned homes watching hours of television, families are seeking a small bit of shade while swatting the flies that are hovering.

Do you even know this is going on? Do you care?

I am asking myself this.

We were telling George about the famine, knowing that if he were still in Ethiopia, he would be affected. He lived in the far southern region of Ethiopia and surely, he would had suffered. He did not have a father to protect him or fight for his survival. He had a mom who was sick and dying of AIDS. How could she possibly find food and water for him?

The people that are dying are women and children.

George was starving even without drought conditions. I can't imagine the suffering he would be enduring if he was still there.

If you can do something...or if God is pulling at your heart to do something...go to World Vision and see how you can help.

The famine in Africa is REAL to me. I have seen the conditions...I can't imagine them being worse...but they are.

Pray. Give. Care. Tell your children.

Why My Kids Were Chosen....

2011-07-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Being hundreds of miles away and hearing that my children were part of a group that experienced a drowning was so difficult. Immediately, my mind was filled with "what ifs". What if my kids were causing problems and distracted the ones in charge? What if we weren't in SC, then my children would not have been there adding six more kids to watch? What if my kids wore out the boy who drowned? What if my kids demanded more attention, more food, more watching?

I texted Eleanor from South Carolina and begged her to tell me if any of the kids were involved in this tragedy.

My kids happened to be on a boat at the time. So then I asked, "What if my kids made it so that Tyler couldn't go on the boat? What if my kids had stayed on the beach and let Tyler get on the boat?"

My kids have gone through so many emotions. They felt horrible that they were having fun when it happened. They felt guilty that they were not there to help. They felt helpless that they couldn't go out in the water and help search. They felt anger as they heard the beach-goers grumble about having to clear out of the water. And, they felt despair.

They had just experienced an afternoon of joy and fun and giggles and hot-dogs and laughs. They had spent hours playing in the water, in the sand and having the kind of afternoon kids dream about having! And then, they got to go on a boat ride and get on inner-tubes in the lake.

And then, they saw panic and they saw police. They keep telling me they were being shielded from the family's true emotions, but Eleanor and Harry understood. All they could do was pray. And so...they did.

Eleanor quickly learned a lesson in priorities. She had been moping around about moving. Now, she is grateful that she has her life and her family who loves her.

Harry was sobered about his seizures. There is a possibility that this boy might have had a seizure which led to the drowning. That has affected Harry. And he is grateful how the Lord has healed him from his past seizures, yet concerned that he still feels "off" sometimes. (Note to self: see a neurologist when we move).

George and Lincoln have asked many questions about heaven. They talk a lot about their day with Tyler and then ask me what I think Tyler is doing in heaven.

Isabel and Anna haven't said anything.

And then, we received a precious note from the aunt of Tyler. She is the mom of the girls who were watching my kids. She has been worrying about MY kids! She has been thinking about THEM and wanting to make sure they were OK! She wrote a note to the kids and last night, we gathered the six around the kitchen table to pray for the family and then read the note to them.

Why were my kids chose by God to be there on Tyler's last day? Because...they are kind and they have warm smiles and they accepted Tyler and loved him that day. They played hard with him and enjoyed hot dogs with him. AND...they each KNOW THE LORD. How else could a child deal with this unless they have the ASSURANCE of heaven? All of my kids have talked about how Tyler is perfect now and wouldn't want to come back.

We are doing great. We have had some amazing conversations the past few days about life and love and God. God chose my kids to be part of this...and I will rejoice in that!

Life is So Fragile

2011-07-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Joe and I are in Greenville, SC. A few days ago, we accepted a job that will move us from the upper midwest to the south. But that is not what I want to write about tonight.

Today, our dear children had a wonderful day at the lake with an amazing family who has been watching the six while we are away. And today, this amazing family suffered a horrible tragedy. Today, their teenage nephew drowned in the lake.

I am sitting here hundreds of miles away stunned...a bit confused....and deeply saddened by this tragedy. Joe talked to George on the phone, and our son who knows about death all too well had the deepest understanding. Harry is shaken to the core. Eleanor is now in charge on her siblings until we can get home.

All we can do as we sit in our hotel room is to pray. And we all need to know how fragile life is. God designed our lives to be that way...it could all be gone tomorrow for any one of us. We can not put off for tomorrow what we should do today! That means we forgive today. We stop our habitual sinning today. We love without boundaries today. We live meaningful lives...today.

This is the day the Lord has made...I WILL rejoice and be glad it in. I woke up this morning singing this from my childhood. It ran through my mind over and over again as I was reminding myself that rejoicing in the Lord is as act of my will. Even when I don't feel like it, I chose to. Right now, I struggle with rejoicing. Tragedy has struck a wonderful family...

Nehemiah 8: 10 says, "Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” We heard a sermon on this passage a few days ago, and one of the precious daughters of this family sat right next to me. Do not grieve, dear family, for the joy of the Lord is your STRONGHOLD.

Stronghold...a mighty fortress, a strong tower that you can run to! A rock that nothing can move.

Please pray for the Zimmermann family. Lift them up. Cover them with your prayers.

Gotta Reach for Something...

2011-07-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

...or you'll fall for anything.

Joe and I have been going through a tremendous amount of decisions lately. Funny how that happens when you are in your 40s, are unemployed and have six children. We have been devoted to prayer and earnest in seeking godly council. And we feel that God has been answering our prayers by clearly opening doors and clearly shutting others.

We never once thought that we would be changing our trajectory. We had settled into life in the middle of Wisconsin, embracing long, cold winters and tolerating beer brats, cheese heads, and bars on every corner. We had accepted our slimmed down life-style, learning to say no more than we say yes, growing to love my worn out, used furniture simply because we HAVE furniture. We even acquired a taste for Aldi food, appreciated the joy of a soda once and while, and loved when the veggies in the garden became ripe so we could snack on them.

In the meantime, our family grew so close...I mean, really close. We are always together. Some of our favorite times lately have included biking to McDonnald's for .79 dipped cones and to sit in the air conditioned play area while some of the kids played. We have made priority choices and decided instead of a vacation, we would go to a Christian music festival and worship the Lord for an entire day as a family. I still have pictures scrolling through my memory bank of my kids dancing to Mercy Me as the sun went down.

We have taken chances here - we put the kids back into public school. For most, the decision was a good one. For some, that choice has been met with challenges. We also decided to dive head first into Safe Families. The people I have met through this ministry have forever changed my life. Not only have I met amazing people crying out for help, I have also met real-deal Christians who say "yes" to teen moms, 4 children at a time, messy-long haired ADD children and new babies who cry a lot. My phone rings weekly with requests for help....and I take chances because I believe Jesus would have done the same thing.

And...as a result of my last year, I detest political parties and agendas! I am so angry at MY party for not listening to those who need help - OR those who are willing to offer the help simply because it doesn't line up with their political agenda at the moment. We have had a veil lifted from our eyes...and I am either going to run for office some day or...I don't know? I am still certain I could have beaten the current Watertown mayor :)

So it seems God, the almighty one, the sovereign Lord of all has decided to change our trajectory. Why? We have been asking God that for the last month or two? Why God? Haven't we been faithful here? Why did the business fail? Why were we not able to get the law passed? We were busy asking all these questions when God said, "Just say yes to ME."

Certain words of wisdom ring through our heads as we talk out our decisions. Things my father said. Things our pastors have said. And words from our heavenly Father.

We fight being scared. We daily fight against planning waaaaayyy into the future! When we start worrying about school schedules, houses to rent, salaries, braces, ballet lessons...we have to STOP! We have to discipline ourselves to put our hope and our trust in the Lord.

We believe God has a plan for our lives in a new state. We lived near this state 15 years ago - and I struggled! Maybe God is giving me a second chance? Maybe God has a plan for us now - 15 years later -because we are TOTALLY NEW CREATIONS now! Joe is in the final stages of a job search right now...this minute...flying to his destination to meet with the CEO of a major corporation. We have asked God so many times if we are really OK to go back to the corporate world? And again and again, God is saying "YES."

God DID tell Joe this...."Yes, you can go...but be prepared when I call you out of that life again." Maybe THIS is the way to to our dream of serving in missions overseas? We know that wherever we end up, there will be a mission field on our door step and down the street and in the schools and in the urban community. No doubt in our minds that wherever God is moving us, He wants us to find His hurting children and "feed them". So...that is where we will start.

A dear friend from high school sent me this video yesterday and as I watched it I realized this is where Joe and I are right now in our lives. We have decided to live purposeful, meaningful lives. We are scared of what comes with the corporate salary and are so afraid of slipping back into caring about furniture and cars and THINGS. I pray that we never forget about LOVE..and PEOPLE...about being Christ's hands and feet.

We've determined to reach for something to keep us from falling for anything..

First Braids

2011-07-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

So...here they are....about 50 box braids and one big french braid :)

Anna was playing in the sand area at our pool with a couple of girls she is friends with. Joe was watching her and listened in as the two friends told Anna how much they loved her hair.

Anna replied with a huge smile on her face, "My mommy did it."

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

2011-07-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

Motherhood Is a Calling (And Where Your Children Rank)

Letter to the Governor

2011-07-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why I feel such a sense of urgency about getting AB30 passed. Maybe it is because we are pretty sure God is moving us on to a new place. Maybe it is because I take the phone calls of moms in need. Maybe it is because I know God shows favor on this ministry - it shares HIS heart for the broken hearted, the fatherless and the desperate.

So, today, I poured out my heart in a letter to the Governor. I don't know if he will even see it. I know enough to know staffers do everything. They get the phone calls and the emails and the letters. They sift through the correspondences and decide who gets through. I pray right now, Lord, please let my email get through!

I keep hearing that we need to focus on the fall. Frankly, I can NOT accept that. I keep telling the legislators if you would just give me a reason WHY you won't bring this to a vote, I could work with that. But continuing to be ignored is infuriating! Where is the justice in focusing on redrawing district lines in order to make sure Republicans maintain certain seats? I am a card-carrying Republican, but seriously, I am disgusted with my party right now! If I could, I would run against them all :)

We shall see what happens. Probably nothing will. But, the church has been watching...and they are disgusted as well. An issue that Christians are ready and willing to get behind, support so much that they are writing emails and making phone calls on a regular basis, is worth taking notice of. We are not standing on the side of the road with pictures of aborted babies, but instead are trying to take part in our democratic process. Yet...we are stalled. And why? I have no idea! No one will tell me why!

OK - I probably know why. AB30 is not that important in the grand scheme of politics. But that is the shame....what do you think God cares more about? Enabling a state to serve the fatherless or redistricting lines? You all know the answer to that. And sadly, government keeps marching on without consulting the Lord.

I am angry. I am not discouraged any more, just angry. Righteous anger. And soon, I will be shaking the dust from my sandals and praying that God raise up the right person to move this forward in WI.

Beds

2011-07-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

Wanna do something easy that will impact orphan's lives?

Check out the amazing ministry my friend has started to bring beds to her son's orphanage!

Beds 4 Choen's Buddies

We Keep Fighting

2011-07-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

The legislative battle for The Safe Families Bill wages on. The senate majority leader, MY senator, called for an Extraordinary session for the week of July 18th to vote on many measures. The Safe Families Bill is not included.

So, we called. And we emailed. And he is not listening.

We are going to encourage people to participate in a day of prayer and fasting on July 18th for hearts to be changed.

I am right on the edge of discouragement. I just wanted to get this one thing done.

This is what is going to be voted on:

EXTRAORDINARY LEGISLATIVE SESSION TO BEGIN ON JULY 19

The Legislature will convene in extraordinary session at 11 a.m., Tuesday, July 19, to consider the following items:

AB-87. TIF Districts (Murtha) Expands the number of tax incremental financing districts that may be designated as distressed or severely distressed.

SB-55. TIFs (Harsdorf) Expands the number of TIF district which may be designated as distressed or severely distressed.

AB-105. Pleasant Prairie (Kerkman) Creates an exception to certain requirements in the creation of or amendment to a TIF district in the Village of Pleasant Prairie.

SB-144. Pleasant Prairie TIF (Wanggaard) Creates an exception to requirements in the creation/amendment to a TIF in the Village of Pleasant Prairie.

AB-197. UC Benefits (Ballweg) Payment of extended unemployment benefits.

SB-147. UC Benefits (Wanggaard) Payment of extended unemployment benefits.

LRB-2265/2. Congressional Redistricting.

LRB-2266/1. Legislative Redistricting.

LRBa1388/1. Senate Amendment 1 to LRB-2266/1, Legislative Redistricting.

LRB-2296/1. Division of municipalities into wards and redistricting of supervisory and aldermanic districts into wards and redistricting of supervisory and aldermanic districts; appointing a panel to hear challenges to the apportionment of a congressional or legislative district; hearing appeals.

Link to legislative redistricting maps:

http://thewheelerreport.com/releases/July11/0708/0708redistricting.pdf

Yes...they are voting on redistricting in order to make some districts "more Republican". Makes me sick that is more important to our Senators than the lives of families in crisis.

But, that's what I have learned over the past year. Politics makes me sick.

Venturing Out

2011-07-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am giving it a go....I have decided to bite the bullet. I am attempting to work on Anna's hair on my own.

I found this amazing website - see the box to the right. I am sure you can figure out which one.

So, today I did some banding - something very easy and it actually prepares the hair for braiding.

Here is my first hair do for Anna.

I am going to try to do some braids tomorrow...so stay tuned!

We Went Back!

2011-07-10T16:36:00.001-07:00

We loved Lifest so much, we went back for more today! We took a family vote, and the 7 votes for going back out scored the 1 vote for staying with our normal Sunday routine. I love that all 6 kids voted to go back!!! Yea God!

So, we sat in the pouring rain and listened to Greg Laurie. His ministry was important to both Joe and I when we first moved to Wisconsin and truly decided to follow Christ. Check him out here.

Yes, you read that correctly. It rained. And rained some more. We sat on our camping chairs and spread a blanket over our heads and listened as Greg preached on the Prodigal Son. As he finished, and invited people to commit their lives to Christ, he asked people to stand if they were making that choice for the first time. It was beautiful to see umbrellas popping up - not knowing who was underneath them, but simply seeing people standing in the rain, holding on to an umbrella, declaring their devotion to Jesus.

The other reason we went is because we LOVE Lincoln Brewster and he was going to lead worship after the sermon! And as the rain continued to pour, the MC announced that the worship was being moved to "the cafe"- which is a tent over gravel. Imagine 20,000 people trying to cram into a tent...all soaking wet. And about ten minutes after cramming into the tent, the rain stopped and the sun came out. Blazing hot! Humidity. Stinky!

But....we worshiped. Hands raised and voices singing loudly.

Despite the rain and the stinky tent it was well worth it!

Once home, Joe and I took a long walk. God had filled us both with tons of ideas of how to serve him, how to follow him, and how to love him. We don't know what these ideas will turn into? Maybe nothing for now. Maybe God was just teaching us that no matter where we go and no matter what we do, we WILL have great opportunities to LOVE and SEEK JUSTICE and DESIRE MERCY.

We prayed as we walked and asked God to continue to guide us...to clearly close a door if it is a place God does not want us to go and to clearly open doors. Thank you to all who are praying for us...believe me...we can feel it! We both said how especially on Sunday mornings, we feel a fresh wind carrying us into the new week. We are anxious to see what comes this week - but content if nothing comes this week. We know God is with us...Emanuel.

Lifest, lifest, lifest...oh!

2011-07-09T06:22:00.000-07:00

What better way to spend a few days in the summer in Wisconsin when you are faced with no job and the phone calls have stopped coming in than to escape to Lifest and simply worship the Lord?

It didn't matter who was performing, we simply longed to be in the presence of other believers and to just get away from the routine of sitting around the house waiting for emails or phone calls with job offers. Nothing has come yet. And we had to start living off our savings. I am learning that it one thing to talk about the love of Jesus and another to live it out. It is one thing to say that we are trusting the Lord, and another to live it out. It is one thing to say we are devoted followers of Christ, and a completely different thing to actually BE one. Because BEING one means sacrifice, living on the edge, and doing what the world views as crazy. Joe and I are battling this very thing every day....and we pray that God would make it so clear where HE wants to lead us on the next phase of our lives.

At Lifest, I talked to amazing young people who are using their lives to tackle huge issues. I talked to a girl from Appleton about human trafficking for a long time. Then, I sat in a make-shift hut talking to another girl about providing small business loans to people in Ethiopia to battle poverty and injustice. I talked to another girl (is there a pattern here, or what?) who is off to Kenya in 6 months to duplicate a feeding ministry that Katie Davis is doing in other parts of Africa.

I told Eleanor, if I could, I would re-do all my college years. Looking back...what a waste! Too many parties. Way too many bad choices. Too many regrets. Yes, I ended up with a degree that maybe, someday will help me get back into the teaching world...but seriously...what is that degree doing for me today? Eleanor and I talked about Bible college and looked over some information we picked up about a pretty cool school on the west coast. "Oh, daughter...learn from my mistakes."

So Joe and I were inspired and challenged. Someone recently told us that we were living the Crazy Love type of life. We laughed inside and thought, "No...we are not doing enough!" I don't know what God is stirring up inside of us...but He is stirring. I DO know this...wherever we end up, God has brought us there for a purpose and a reason and it's NOT to work hard to buy a nice house and have new cars. It will be an adventure to figure out exactly what is it HE has prepared in advance for us to do!

"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10)

This was one of the first versed I committed to memory as an adult. I was humbled to know that God, the creator of the universe, had actually prepared works for me to do! My job as a follower of Christ is to actually DO those works! Lest anyone think I am a believer of good works getting me into heaven - that is hogwash. I am saved by the grace of Jesus Christ...and my gratitude for that salvation fleshes out in living a life of DOING the things that Christ taught us to do. He did not teach us to simply go to church on Sunday morning and think that was enough. In fact, he chastised the babbling prayers of the pagans, thinking they would be heard because of their many words (Matthew 6:7).

No, Jesus taught us to love our enemies, to pick up our cross daily, to seek justice, to give to the poor, to sit with the sinner, to desire mercy not sacrifice. I have to ask myself if I am doing these things - and many days, I fail miserably. I don't love my enemies - in fact, I hardly love my own son some days. I chose the easy route instead of picking up my cross. I seek self-comfort instead of going out of my way to see justice is done. I don't give because I only have few dollars left in my wallet and I really want a strawberry milkshake. And I wish I could just burn a bull to show the Lord my devotion instead of being merciful to those around me.

As we listened to music and enjoyed the beautiful Wisconsin summer day, we simply sat in the presence of the Lord. There were no big revelations. No neon signs with an arrow saying, "Go this way!'. Instead, we simply sat with God. And worshiped Him.

The night ended with Joe and I and all our children standing on their feet, hands raised, singing

Separated until the veil was torn
The moment that hope was born
and guilt was pardoned once and for all

Captivated but no longer bound by chains
left at an empty grave
the sinner and the sacred resolved

and all of creation sing with me now
lift up your voice and lay your burden down
and all of creation sing with me now
fill up the heavens let his glory resound

Time has faded and we see him face to face

every doubt erased forever we will worship the king

the reason we breathe is to sing of his glory
and for all he has done praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one

and every knee will bow oh and every tongue praise the father praise the son and the spirit in one

and all of creation sing with me now
lift up your voice and lay your burden down
and all of creation sing with me now
fill up the heavens let his glory resound

Talk Less...Listen More

2011-07-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

I guess it's time for a George update.

Oh...how we continue to struggle.

The bottom line is this child fights for everything. He fights when you tell him he is saying the wrong word. He fights when you tell him he needs to make his bed. He fights when you tell him we are going to the pool in one hour.

And then, he talks and talks and talks and talks.......and then talks some more. He talks with confidence and authority as if he knows everything and we know nothing.

When he asks questions, he tries to trick people or trap them. His questions lead to him making fun of someone.

CHARACTER. HUMILITY.

These are words I use every day with George.

I tell him that the best way for him to learn is to talk less and listen more. But since he can't listen or doesn't listen, he doesn't hear me and so he doesn't get it. He lives in this world where he desires to put his siblings down constantly and wants to be bigger, stronger, better than they are. Everything is still a competition - waking up first has even become his latest way to "beat everyone else." He races to the car, races to finish dinner first and be the first one to get seconds, he races to get the candy thrown out at the parade, he races to the chair because he sees his sister just about to sit down on it...it is never ending.

His siblings put up with so much! They get tired of his words - most of the time they are so foolish and so hate-filled still.

Some days, I still have to battle getting out of bed because I hear George doing something I have asked him 5,674 times not to do. I don't want to spend ALL of my energy parenting George. He takes and takes and takes ALL of me and I have so little left to parent my other children. When it comes to being with the others...I am working on fumes.

Just a few days ago it finally dawned on me that is exactly what George wants...he wants and even demands all of my attention and I think he continues to misbehave simply to continue getting all of my attention. And here is the ugly crux of the matter - because of how rotten he treats me and others, I don't want to spend time with George. But, time with George is exactly what will help him learn how to treat me and others better.

We plod along day after day. We go through the same routine day after day. And I continue to cry out to God to give me love and patience and forgiveness day after day - because I am all tapped out. I still believe this is all worth it...some days are just harder than others.

Article In the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

2011-07-05T07:27:00.001-07:00

Here is an article about Safe Families in Wisconsin!

The Voice of God

2011-07-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

We had an interesting conversation at the dinner table last night.

Lincoln broke through the usual conversations of "Did you see what Harry did off the diving board?" and "I am so sun-burned...do you know where the aloe is?" to ask, "Mom... Dad...why can't I hear God?"

A little surprised to hear this coming from our 5 year old, we paused a bit and then asked, "Why are you asking?"

"Well...I hear you say that God told you something and I really want to know what God's voice sounds like and I sit quietly and I just don't hear Him. Why can't I hear Him but you can?"

I love, love, love these moments! What joy in parenting comes in the difficult questions about God and faith and following! I freely admit to my kids that I don't have all the answers. For example, George was so confused a few days ago about how God is Jesus, yet is also Jesus' father at the same time. George was getting more and more angry as I tried to explain the unexplainable when Eleanor just interrupted me and said, "George, clearly Mom doesn't know how to explain it because it is just too complicated for all of us. Just believe." He walked away suddenly satisfied.

To answer Lincoln, we shared while the entire family sat around our kitchen table how God does speak to us. Our answer is not important here, but I share this only to rejoice that Lincoln is asking these questions now! Sometimes I daydream about what my children will be like when they grow up...and lately, I have been blessed with some dreams of Lincoln being a pastor. This is probably because he is now sitting with us at church, and has me turn to the scripture being preached on, even though he can't read! He follows along the verse numbers and tries so hard to figure out what these incredibly complicated words of 1 Peter are all about! Then, he just asked me if he could have Harry's old Bible (The Adventure Bible in the NIV reader's edition). When I said yes, he was over the moon! He immediately started grabbing Anna and George, ushering them into the living room where he announced, "We are now going to play church!"

Who knows who my children will be when they grow up?? God does..and I would like to think He has been smiling up in heaven watching Lincoln grow.

A Lesson From the Birds

2011-06-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

As we enter yet another week of being jobless, I continue to have an unexplainable peace that only God can provide. But, in all honesty, as the days and weeks go by, the gnawing sense of "What are we going to do?" creeps in slowly.

Joe flew to the east coast for an interview this week - and the opportunity is not exactly anything we had ever thought of! Maybe we would have thought of this particular location when it was just Joe and I - and maybe a few of our kids. But, I simply struggle thinking of raising 6 children there.

Other opportunities are not moving our our speed - or more like MY speed. I make decisions quickly and go for it. Nothing is moving quite that way. There are a lot of phone conversations, emails back and forth, but nothing yet that has said, "We want you here and here is the offer."

Bear with me as I make a detour...I was talking with my mom this morning and we were comparing our baby robin experiences. My mom told me that soon after the babies leave the nest, she watches her baby robins follow their momma around, chirping loudly and waiting for momma to feed them. The babies hop behind momma learning how to get a worm for themselves and before long, they babies are off on their own.

I didn't see that with my baby robins. Suddenly, ours were just out of the safety of their nest. I sent the kids outside to look for them, hoping they hadn't fallen out of the nest. When there was no sign of them, we assumed they were off on their own. I missed this part that my mom told me about - never seeing them hop around the yard following their momma. So, this morning, I worried again about these fragile, innocent little birds.

But, as I sat down at my computer to write, I looked out my window and saw one of my babies! I know, you are probably thinking all robins look alike, so how could I possibly know one of the babies! Well, one of the baby robins had this distinct white streak right on the top of his head. And I as I recognized my baby, I saw him hopping around on the ground looking for a worm. His chest is not quite orange yet - and he was following another robin around the yard. I couldn't believe it! I was seeing exactly what I thought I had missed.

God has been using the birds to teach Joe and I through this time. God keeps reminding Joe, "I take care of the birds, I am going to take care of you." Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26. For Joe, he is reminded of this verse each and every morning as the birds begin their singing around 4:30am. What used to be an annoying wake up call has become a love song from our Father reminding us that God is still watching over us. When we hear the robins sing, an instant peace settles over both Joe and I as we know that our Father in heaven loves us. And then we smile at each other. No words need to be spoken.

As I watched my baby robin hopping around the yard, doing just fine, it was a reminder of how God provides for each and every bird. He is watching over our family, finding us more valuable than the birds, and so He will take care of us.

Our daily battle is to put our trust and our hope in God, knowing He will provide.

His Great Name

2011-06-28T07:05:00.001-07:00

I first heard this song in a tiny, tiny Baptist church in Waverly, Ohio. It was done by a high school girl with a young worship band, but the words pierced my heart.

We heard it on the radio a few days ago and Lincoln yelled from the back of the car, "This is the song we heard at Grandma and Grandad's church!" Obviously, the song spoke to my youngest son as well.

There is one line that says, "The fatherless, they find their rest at the sound of your great name." And as I hear this, I am reminded of how peacefully Anna will sleep in my arms when I begin to sing to her. I sing songs that glorify the Lord, and speak the name of Jesus into her heart, and she always falls peacefully asleep. She has found REST at the sound of Jesus' NAME. A child who had no peace for so long...how can a child who has NO ONE in the world sleep peacefully? Now, she has found rest.

No TV Summer

2011-06-27T17:32:00.000-07:00

We are doing it again :)

We did this for three consecutive summers before we adopted George. Now, we are back!

Hip-hip-hooray! We are swimming like crazy, playing badminton and golf with our neighbors, taking long walks, coloring pages upon pages of coloring books, and reading long chapter books out loud.

Last night, Joe and I and our teenage neighbor decided to have a tee-off. We each had 3 golf balls and picked various targets in between our yards that we would target. The closest to the designated target won. The 6 kids gathered behind us and very politely clapped after each good swing. It made me giggle each and every time! And...I won the first round! In fact, all three of us won a round and so we had to have a face-0ff - winner of the final round would "win" bragging rights. Needless to say, this momma didn't win :( In fact, I have been beaten now two nights in a row by our teenage neighbor (Sunday night, he challenged me to a badminton game, beating me by 2)!

The hardest part will be listening to the Brewers on the radio...don't tell the kids, but we kept our TV hooked up in our bedroom just in case we want to catch an inning or two.

Safe Families Update

2011-06-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a long year. It was about this time last summer that I sat in the Mission Cafe meeting with people from the Safe Families national office, talking to them about running Safe Families in Wisconsin. I left that meeting so excited, already planning to talk with various pastors and ministry leaders who I thought would love to hear about this ministry of compassion.

The first road block came in the fall. We met with the state department of Children and Family Services. It was a crowded room in a Senator's office in Madison. Madison's Safe Families filled the room with their people. The national director of SF was there...and I joined the group, taking the last available seat. The head of DCFS looked right at us and said, "You have hit a wall. There is no way you can function in Wisconsin because of the law." His posture and attitude told us this was the end of the road. Period. We left discouraged to say the least.

Soon after that, I met Cherish who needed help. I decided to place her kids and someone from Safe Families Madison called DCFS on me and reported me. This was the first time I experienced the provision of God. Nothing happened. Not even a slap on the wrist. I want to believe that when DCFS called the local sheriff's department to have me arrested, the officer replied, "You want me to do what? Arrest a woman who helped a homeless, jobless pregnant mom find a safe home for her boys to stay while she is looking for a job and a home? Yea...right!"

Elections come in November and the political climate in Wisconsin drastically changed. A freshman Assembly man was voted in and a good friend of his told him about how I had almost been in trouble for helping a mom. He called me to set up a meeting. We met in December - I remember it was a really cold, snowy day and I totally wanted to cancel the meeting and not drive into Milwaukee. But, this was a God-ordained appointment. This Assemblyman said, "I like this ministry. I want to write a bill that changes the law. Are you with me?"

And our legislative battle began. January found us knocking on every single legislators door, telling them about Safe Families and the law we were proposing that would give parents rights they had been denied for decades in Wisconsin. I even met with the Lt. Governor who put her name on the legislation, something that hasn't happened in over 28 years.

Then, the budget repair bill hit. Tens of thousands of people stormed the capitol protesting the governor's plan. National media attention fell on our state, Senators fled to IL, and tensions between the parties hit an all time high. And our little bi-partisan bill fell into the background. I was told to just wait it out.

I begged all my friends in Wisconsin to call their Assembly representatives. Ask them to bring our bill to a vote. In March, we got our committee public hearing in the Assembly. I sat and listened as dramatic Assemblywomen cried out that this bill would allow drug dealers to hand their babies to the pizza delivery man. Thankfully, more logical heads prevailed and we made it through the committee phase and to the floor for a vote. There was a bit of histrionics - including an Assemblyman who actually said that this bill would open up the door to children being abused all over Wisconsin (with enemas and studded belts), but our little bill passed overwhelmingly.

On to the Senate is April. Where it sat...and sat..and sat. We finally got a public hearing in a committee the last Wednesday of the month of May. The testimony of a woman from IL who had used Safe Families to care for her child while she attended drug rehab brought tears to Senator's eyes. The all agreed, Wisconsin would benefit greatly from a ministry like Safe Families.

But then, the Native American lobby started fighting. They want to protect their heritage and culture and were upset at the thought of a non-NA family caring for a NA child. They were willing to "throw the baby out with the bath water", killing the whole bill to protect their children from bonding with a non-NA family. Things looked bleak as this very powerful lobby was bound and determined to kill our little bill. I called for prayer! We prayed our way through a meeting between our Assemblyman and the lobby group. Again...God won and the lobby group backed down (pretty much un-heard of around here!). We were back on track.

Now the committee still needed to vote, so another call to the troops to make phone calls and emails urging the committee to make the vote. They scheduled the vote and it took less than 3 minutes for the committee to unanimously vote in favor of our little bill.

Next is the full Senate vote. But here, we are stalled. So, today I met with the Senate Majority Leader to urge him to bring our little bill to the floor for a vote.

"But, we are focused on the recall elections." (Referring to the 9 Senators that face recalls this summer - back to the budget repair mess).

I know, but there are a few other bills out there that could really use a vote BEFORE the recall elections.

"I don't want to make any over ambitious promises to you."

I know, but you have bi-partisan support. Your conservative base (hint, hint) are all in favor of this bill and are waiting for you to bring this to a vote.

"OK - this is now on my radar screen. But, I can't promise you anything."

So, here I sit after spending 5 minutes with the man who can either bring Safe Families to a vote or put it back in the pile of "To Do" things. He gave me 5 minutes to share the vision of Safe Families, to share that this has bi-partisan support, that there are families waiting! And he didn't tell me anything.

As the rain comes down out my window, I am reminded that God's got this. His timing is perfect, and He is sovereign, sitting on His throne over all of this. I have done all I can do and now I lay my trust completely in God's hands to see what will happen. We will continue to pray and continue to hope.

So...Here it Goes

2011-06-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

So much has been going on in our lives and I have failed to sit down and write about it. Maybe that is because we didn't want to air it all out there, or cause anyone to worry. Maybe it is because I didn't want to face it...and when I write things out, they seem so real.

We are jobless.

We have closed our business.

We are confused.

God so clearly led us to this place in our lives - He put us on a trajectory that included simplifying our lives drastically and impressing upon our hearts the desire to live a missional life. Living this way, I "get" poverty. And I long to serve those who are in poverty. Living this way, I trust in the Lord - not in a bank account or a 401K. Living this way, our family has grown so close to each other.

And now...I don't know if we are going to continue living this way.

We love living this way. We don't want to change.

But, there are no jobs here. So far.

We are not sure what lies ahead for our family.

We DO know that God is WITH US! And we are offering Him everything we are. We are saying YES before we even know where He is sending us. We are in a posture of gratitude - for all that God has taught us over the past few years. We are so thankful for the lessons we have learned and the ways in which we have been changed. We love our lives now.

So, the adventure continues with us! And the world is open to wherever God wants to send us and how He wants to use us.

Exciting stuff!

The American Dream

2011-06-21T13:07:00.001-07:00

This morning, I was at an orphan alliance and we began discussing who should adopt, why they should adopt, who shouldn't adopt, why the church needs to work on the preservation of families...all interesting, thought provoking stuff! Then, I watched this video and it made me think even more. Unfortunately, I think some Christians are making adoption sound so simple. And the reality is that adoption is HARD and needs to be done WITH CHRIST.

So..I don't know if YOU should adopt...but maybe watch this video and start the process of thinking if God is asking something more of you. Click here.

Father's Day

2011-06-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

I love my dad. And I love my husband. Happy's Father's Day to both of you

Take Heart

2011-06-15T19:59:00.000-07:00

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

One of the reasons Hillsong United means so much to me is the way their worship music ministered to my heart a few months ago. Was it really only a few months ago that I was desperate for God to MOVE in my life...to bring healing to George...to redeem the awful atmosphere in our home?

Yes..it was only a few months ago that the peak of despair grabbed hold of my heart and threatened to pull me under. I was asking people for help, begging for prayer, and willing to do anything to bring peace to my heart and my home.

It was so dark, I didn't think I would ever see the light. And then...I bought the new Hillsong United CD. And I listened. And the first song urged me to take heart.

Jesus told us, this life would have trouble. Right then and there, I was battling so much brokenness. I was drowning in shame and fear and heartache. And as the chorus built, the words, "He has overcome" were banging through my head. Everything I was feeling...Jesus has already overcome it all! It was time for me to accept that...believe it...and live in the justice and strength and refuge of my mighty Savior who has OVERCOME the world!

Jesus has conquered my son's brokenness. Jesus has conquered my selfish love. Jesus has conquered my family's heart ache. Jesus has conquered George's inability to love me. He has overcome!

There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failures
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Hillsong United

2011-06-15T09:29:00.001-07:00

We took our oldest three kids to Hillsong United. It was amazing...indescribable. The best part was seeing my children worshiping the Lord, hands raised and tears streaming down their cheeks. This was my favorite part of the night.....watch the whole thing to get a taste of our night of worship.

New Harry

2011-06-13T05:49:00.001-07:00

Harry. My complicated one. The one that challenges my mind. The one that challenges my trust in God. He is fiercely independent, knows what he wants in life and wants to get it. He is also lazy - not a good quality for an independent child.

He is intelligent beyond his years. Sensitive above most middle school boys. Insightful and in tune to issues such as justice, compassion and righteousness. And he questioned his faith in God greatly.

He was NOT content to "be a Christian because Mom and Dad are Christians". I know it is odd for a 6 year old to come out of Sunday School angry, asking things like "How does my teacher KNOW the Bible is the word of God?" and "Why do Christians walk around our church not acting like Christians?" He asked complicated things like, "What if scientific evidence doesn't completely point to evolution, how can I say that was the way the world came to be?" or "Dinosaurs are the coolest thing ever! Why did God want them extinct? Did they co-habitate with people?"

Harry was tormented nightly be horrible dreams. He could never shut off his brain enough to relax and go to sleep. He walks around with dark circles under his eyes and he often steals away to a quiet place to simply contemplate life.

Joe and I prayed over this little boy fervently. We prayed for his spiritual health and we prayed that God would someday use his brilliant mind for His glory. We prayed for protection, especially at night.

We prayed that family would accept him and not make him feel that he is different. And God blessed Joe and I with visions of Harry as we dreamed. He also has spoken to men in my family about how special Harry is.

But, we never knew if this day would come. When Joe and Eleanor chose to be baptized, Harry scoffed a bit and said, "No one is going to tell me when I will do this. I don't know if I will ever be baptized." Joe and I waited.

And then, Harry being Harry, turned in a form at church saying he wanted to be baptized. He didn't talk to us...he didn't ask us..he did it all on his own. He didn't want to attend the "kid class", instead, he entered a room of adults to learn and study believer's baptism. He wrote his testimony on his own, not asking for any help or advice and he reluctantly gave it to me to turn in for him. I promised him I would not put on my "teacher's hat" and try to edit it.

Sunday came and Harry packed his bag, walked to the appropriate room on his own and then began his journey to the pond. What a beautiful day! Sunny skies. Temperatures in the 60s (yes, cold for JUNE!!), and hundreds of members sat on the grassy hill to watch 63 people proclaim their faith in Jesus.

We heard amazing testimonies of adults finally sick of the selfish life they had been living, college students who had made really bad choices, former drug addicts who were ready to be born again, and beautiful people with disabilities who have immense joy in knowing their Lord and Savior!

Harry was number 61. We waited a LONG time to hear his story and watch him be baptized. The speaker began reading his testimony and he shared how he finally chose to believe on the way home from the Dollar Store after talking with me. Funny, I don't remember that conversation - we had so many spiritual conversations in the car! He said that he had so many questions, but he finally decided to JUST BELIEVE. Everyone giggled at the Dollar Store part. And then, the reader went on sharing Harry's words. "On that day, I felt as if an anvil had been lifted off my shoulders and I started calling myself New Harry." The crowd laughed and some cheered.

He walked into the water and the elder said, "New Harry....do you believe Jesus is your Lord and Savior?" Harry emphatically answered, "Yes."

He went down into the water, and came up (sputtering a bit - and obviously shocked by the cold water!). The crowd cheered loudly! There were some hoots from dear friends of ours and Eleanor and I screamed! Joe was down by the pond ready to wrap his son, New Harry, into a beach towel. They hugged and Harry came to sit next to us, shivering, but smiling from ear to ear.

After it was over, and Harry had dried off and changed his clothes, he said, to me, "Mom...I am so happy. I can't explain it...I am just so, so happy!"

I told him that was JOY. And God is looking down on his son and saying, "I am pleased with you, New Harry."

End of Another School Year

2011-06-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

I just have to brag a little....the kids had amazing years! All three who are in school came home today with several awards. They all received a special award for having straight As all year. My two girls also had perfect attendance! Eleanor received the President's Award for her excellence in school, Harry finally made Student of the Month (which he really wanted) and Isabel received a Superlative in Music Award.

I especially enjoyed reading the signatures in Eleanor's yearbook. I can't even tell you how many 14 year old kids commented on how Eleanor had "changed their lives". It seems that being a light in a crazy place like middle school REALLY does make a difference! On Monday night, the choirs had their final concert and Eleanor very casually said, "I am saying a few words during our final song."

Let me tell you...she had this momma sobbing. I am not kidding, I was sobbing - almost making that awful noise when the cry comes from your gut. This kiddo did not just say a few words...she grabbed the microphone with confidence, strutted her way around the stage and even shouted at the end "Once a panther, always a panther!" to the squeals of sixth, seventh and eighth graders crammed in a sweaty gym. Where did this amazing young woman come from?

Harry has had a tough year. He has faced ruthless bullying. All because he skipped a grade. The crazy thing is he was totally accepted in the beginning of the year as the "new kid". But when kids found out he skipped a grade, he suddenly became the target. Some kids actually said things like, "What are you? Stupid?" I wanted to say, "Uh...what are YOU? Stupid!" The momma bear in me really got angry as I had to watch my boy silently suffer. He DID stand up to a bully one day - confronted him and said he would beat the kid up if he said another word. The next day, Harry was known as the "kid who wanted to beat up an innocent kid". Middle schoolers stink! We kept telling Harry that his worth is not found in the kids at school and this would make him stronger. It was very hard to send him off to school each day knowing what he was facing. Joe and I committed to prayer. We prayed every morning that the bullies would turn their attention away from Harry. Praise God - the last month of school was good! He made some good friends who were sorry the listened to the bullies. Thank you, Lord, the year is over!

Isabel, well..could not be more opposite than Harry! She was Miss Popular! We had a slide show of her year and that kid was in almost every picture! Our little ones are being transferred to another school next year and so she had to say goodbye to her friends. Oh, so many tears! She is a shinning light wherever she goes. I will write tomorrow about the book she wrote! Here's a hint...she wrote about flying to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia to feed children with HIV. Now what 3rd grader writes a book about that?

Anna and Lincoln giggled all day thinking about going to school next year as they listened to their brother and sisters tell their stories. George is anxious to get back to school and start making better choices. We have worked so, so hard these last few months. There are days I battle between thinking he has a learning disability and he just hasn't caught up yet. I just can't determine if he will ever be able to learn at the rate my other children can and do. He struggles! And he doesn't understand yet, that learning is a life-long thing! He often says, "I can't wait to stop learning." We tell him often that Momma and Daddy love learning - we read to him, in front of him, we teach our children constantly - but he still doesn't see the value in learning. Is that an Ethiopia thing? Or does he simply not have the ability to go past a certain level of cognitive functioning?

As I just tucked them all into bed, they all smiled and shared that it indeed was a good year. Selfishly, I am happy they are home for the summer. Aquatic center...here we come (if we could only get out of the 60s!)

Happy Summer!!!

Which Daughter is More Beauiful?

2011-06-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

Chose.

Which daughter is more beautiful?

The one with the pale white skin, blond hair and blue eyes? Or the one with rich, dark brown skin, meticulous braids and brown eyes?

Chose.

I believe most people make a choice as soon as they see my daughters together. One is considered beautiful. The other is considered...well...less than.

I play volleyball every Tuesday night at a complex in Watertown that has 8 sand courts. Over 100 women pour into the complex each Tuesday night ready to play a competitive game or two. There is a playground adjacent to the courts where many children play while their moms sweat it out on the sand. My children look forward to the scene each week.

But last night, something happened.

Isabel and Anna were playing happily when a little girl of about 5 years old asked Isabel to play.

She asked, "Will you play with me?"

Isabel answered, "Sure. And this is Anna. We can all play together."

"Ewwww. She is black, I don't want to play with her."

Shocked, my two daughter stood there speechless as the little girl then ran away.

Now I know why my kids came to sit court side for most of the evening.

I now this happens all the time. George has been called names and he has been stared at and he has been pointed at. And every time, I get angry! Now, Anna is facing it.

We tell our children all the time how incredibly beautiful their skin is. And in all honesty...I wish I had George's skin! He doesn't get red, bumpy mosquito bites. He doesn't get red and blotchy when he is hot. His skin is buttery smooth to the touch and he has natural defenses against getting sun burned. We have talked to our "white" children (come on...are they really WHITE?) about how they should view other people by ONLY their character - not their skin color. My older two have been called "cool" by the African American kids at the middle school because they never make a big deal about skin color. And.. they have even talked about someday maybe dating or marrying someone of a different race or color (when the time is right).

I hate racism.

Racism took a beautiful little girl and made her too ugly to play with. Racism causes neighbors to buckle when they have to touch my children. Racism puts up a wall around our family when we walk into a restaurant.

Parents....please teach your children! Please teach them to be a voice on the playground or on the bus or in the school that sticks up for my children. It is not enough to not say something mean. What we need more of is children (yes children!) who will say, "Stop! You are being so stupid!" to the little girl who says she can't play with a girl because she is black. If more kids stood up to the kids who say crappy things, maybe they'll stop saying the crappy things.

Inspiring Katie

2011-06-06T05:38:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I reminded you to read Katie's blog...It is worth a reminder and a visit. Enjoy, be inspired and be moved to action. Click here.

The Honeymoon is Over

2011-06-04T07:57:00.001-07:00

I love honeymoons - or at least the thought of them. We didn't go on one, but the thought of everything being happy sunshine and unicorns is pretty wonderful.

Anna has been home for 5 weeks and we have 4 weeks of happy sunshine and unicorns. We knew it was a honeymoon period and we knew it would wear off and I am happy to report, the honeymoon is over.

Happy, you ask? Yes! It is so much better when adoptive families start the real work of being a family. It is better when the child starts showing her true personality and quirks and colors. That means she is starting to trust us...and it means we can start truly parenting her.

Anna hasn't been parented much - that is obvious. Initially, when we would discipline her, she would crumple to the floor and cry for hours. She was so hurt - and I am sure she was scared that the discipline meant we would be sending her away. I think she is starting to understand that we are totally committed to her. We tell her every day that she is our daughter forever. After each discipline moment, we tell her again and again how much we love her and how she always going to be with us.

So, what does Anna do that requires discipline? Mainly, she doesn't listen. And I am not sure how different that is from most 5 year olds, right? Anna has a hard time doing something the first time we tell her to do something. She listens after the 3rd or 4th time which doesn't fly in our family - we talk a lot about "First Time Obedience" (not very popular with our kids, but we stick with it!). So, Anna gets "in trouble" for not practicing first time obedience. Again...nothing out of the ordinary for a 5 year old!

Anna also wets her pants...every day. Again...to me, this is not unusually considering the circumstances around when she wets her pants. She is always outside playing with her siblings, she is always having fun, and she is always on her way to the bathroom when it happens. To me..nothing alarming here...just teaching her that she needs to go potty BEFORE it is too late. I know she doesn't want to go inside and miss out on the fun. Many of my kids are done this.

But...she lights up a room with her smile. Her beauty is incomparable. Her laugh is infectious. And she loves without hesitation.

The honeymoon is over...and I am so glad it is!

A Placement....Sorta

2011-06-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

About a week ago I got a call from the National Immigrant Justice Center in Chicago - as the name and number flashed across my cell phone, I have to admit I wondered if I was suddenly in trouble with one of my African babies.

No, it was a woman who had just rescued two kids from human trafficking who had heard about Safe Families and wondered if we could talk. After a long undercover investigation, the NIJC had rescued a 20 year old girl and a 16 year old boy who were originally from India. For the past two years, they had been "living" on the east side of Milwaukee as slaves. The girl was forced to work 17 hour days, and then regularly beaten. Food was often with-held from both of them. They never had even a dime in their pocket. The perpetrator kept complete control over the kids for over 2 years as they lived in fear and despair.

Now, they are free. But where do they go?

Safe Families!

Because of the ages of the kids and because the federal government is involved, we did not need to worry about the state law in Wisconsin that says no one can help a child except the state social system. The FBI said, "Place the kids!" So...I found a family.

And this is how God works well ahead of us! The family that opened their home has kids the same ages! The family that opened their home has done mission work in India! The SF mom emailed me Monday night saying that as she was writing the email, she could hear all four of her "kids" laughing and talking in their rooms. Many tears have been shed - tears of joy and gratitude. The kids attended youth group on Sunday night and were amazed at what they were hearing and seeing.

THIS IS Christian hospitality! This is the church stepping up to do what is right and just!

Safe Families Update

2011-05-31T05:07:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday last week, I testified in front of a Senate Committee (I keep forgetting which one - but it had to do with revenue and human services). What a difference a legislative body makes! While the Assembly was argumentative and down right rude, the entire Senate Committee was respectful and conscientious. They listened. They asked great questions - none of the hypotheticals that filled the Assembly chamber, but rather intelligent, well-thought out questions.

A representative from the Governor's office was there, watching the hearing. At the conclusion, we were told the Governor will sign the bill without hesitation. A woman from the bar association met with us after the hearing and again stressed how this is a great bill for Wisconsin!

Senator Terry Moulton, who picked up the bill in the Senate and authored it there, impressed me greatly. He had obviously done his homework and answered questions about Safe Families and what they are doing in other states. Then, during a heart-felt testimony by a birth mom who's daughter is currently in a Safe Family, this Senator removed his glasses and wiped away tears that were flowing freely. Late that week, he sent a note to his constituents that expressed how strongly he feels about the Safe Families Bill.

Press conferences are being scheduled. And I was told to start planning the signing ceremony!

I am having a hard time believing this chapter of the work is almost over! And I have to just point everyone to the power of prayer and how God works! If we would have tried to get this bill through even one year ago...it would have died in committee. And who knows how our legislation will change a year from now (several recall elections)? But for such a time as this, Safe Families was able to get a law written and passed through the legislation that will allow churches to minister to families in need!

So, here is a glimpse of all the advice I have been given by the "experts":

Put it in the Budget Repair Bill - it will pass easily and you'll be up and running!
Don't get your hopes up until next year - then try to get it through
A freshman Assemblyman will not be able to get this through - you need veterans taking this up
You can't get this through without a Senator
With all the fighting in the legislation, they won't take up this good-news-piece.
It won't pass the Assembly until the fall
It won't pass the Senate until the fall
OK - it passed the Assembly, the Senate won't take it up until the fall
OK - the Senate took it up, but it won't get the floor because the Senate only deals with fiscal legislation in June.
OK - looks like the Senate is making as exception...

If I would have believed the experts at any point along the way, I would have given up long ago! But, instead I would hear God saying, "Keep fighting! I am in this with you!" So, I bugged all my friends and begged everyone I knew to make phone calls and send emails. The legislators started asking, "What's this thing called Safe Families?" And soon, we will be LEGAL!

Praise God!

But, I know this is just the beginning of the battleground in Wisconsin. We are about to meet face-on with the one who holds Milwaukee in a stronghold of evil and darkness. We are about to punch a hole of light into the dark. Milwaukee is in such horrible states - I write about it often. They have an infant mortality rate equal to or worse than several 3rd world countries! The average 17 year old girl has a baby with a man over the age of 22 - statutory rape. More people live in poverty in Milwaukee than 99% of all major cities in the US. Dads are absent. Moms are tired, disengaged and depressed. There is no family in Milwaukee. There is no hope...YET!

Safe Families, with the Lord's mighty arm, will begin to show Milwaukee what it means to be a family. We have generations of brokenness to combat...but we are going to start somewhere.

Family Portraits

2011-05-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

We finally have some great pictures of the family!

Napping

2011-05-21T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have a theory...not sure if it is accurate or not. Anna naps...a lot.

I asked her if she napped in her CO home. She said no. And I have remember she was in two schools in a day, a morning school and an afternoon school. Not much time for a 5 year old to nap in that schedule.

Here...Anna naps almost every day. And, she naps when she curls up against me during reading time or during some quiet time. Like clock-work, she is snoring away within 5 minutes of some close contact with Momma.

So, here is my theory. She is like a baby. I have such fond memories of napping with ALL of my home-made kiddos. I relished the afternoons when the house would be quiet and I would curl a snuggle-bug baby onto my chest, close the shades and snuggle in for a nap. There is something so bonding in those moments of sleeping together - and I have encouraged this time with all of my kids.

And Anna is catching up. She has missed so many baby-naps on her momma's chest! And she has missed out listening to my heart beat and learning my rhythms and my smells. But, I believe she is catching up! She will snuggle in every chance she gets - breathing in deeply my scent and finding a spot of skin to put her face against or lay her hand on. She is longing for that skin-on-skin contact that all my home made kids had in abundance.

I am back to what life was like with newborns - taking a quiet time each afternoon to just let my baby fall asleep on me. It is a sweet time bonding with Miss Anna.

Lincoln Loves Anna

2011-05-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

Joe picks up Lincoln and Anna from Sunday School each Sunday morning. This is what Lincoln worked on a few days ago. He ran up to Joe and said, "Daddy! I drew Anna because I want her to know about Jesus!"

My Broken Children

2011-05-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

Thursday night we were all gathered in the living room...we have a guilty family pleasure...American Idol. So, we sat around our tiny living room when we all realized just how broken our children from Africa are.

George was very upset about his Africa Mommy. He had been talking about heaven all day. I am not sure why or what prompted the conversations...maybe it was because earlier that morning he announced that he hated God. He did this for my "benefit". He was angry at me - I think because I told him to put his glasses on. When he started pouting and whining about having to do the extremely difficult task of putting his glasses on, I sent him to his bed to "think about how he responded". He thinks he will hit me where it hurts to tell me that he hates God. My answer?

"George, do you remember what God did for you?"

I then talk to him about how much God loved him that he allowed his son to die a painful death on a tree in order to save George (we talk a lot about John 3:16 these days because he has finally memorized it!). He was quiet for a long time. Then he asked me if he would still go to heaven even though he said something he didn't mean (hating God).

Maybe that is what prompted an entire day of thinking and talking about heaven. Whatever the case, he suddenly burst out into sobs asking, "Who is going to be my mommy in heaven? You or my Africa mommy? I don't want to have to chose who to live with."

Then, he cried, "I don't think my Africa mommy knows Jesus! She needs someone to tell her about Jesus."

Oh, how his heart ached for his Africa mommy. We talked for quite a long time as the entire family listened. My older children suddenly were faced with a hurting brother who has to live with such a dilemma like not knowing if his mom is going to heaven. He also opened up and talked about the struggles of life in Ethiopia. He talked about being hungry all the time. He talked about drinking dirty water and having stomach aches. He talked about how he can't remember what his Africa daddy looks like, and how that hurts his heart.

All of our hearts broke knowing how broken George is.

Anna then shared how she watched when her Africa mommy slipped and banged her head "against a rock". She said there was so much blood and her mommy never woke up. Anna talked about an auntie taking her and then before she knew it, she was living in the orphanage. Then, her first adopted mommy didn't want her anymore.

Then Anna, who was sitting in my lap looked up and me and asked, "Where am I going, Mommy?"

"What do you mean, sweetie?"

"Am I going to heaven? I want to go wherever you are going. I don't want to be alone anymore."

We ended our family time not cheering on a favorite singer on AI or arguing over who is sitting on which couch, but instead we formed a circle and prayed over our broken children knowing that God is in the business of restoration and healing.

No...We are In a Smaller House

2011-05-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I had the chance to catch up with a woman I knew about 8 years ago. We were in a church membership class for 8 weeks, so over that time, we shared some laughs, some tears and a lot of scripture. The final "step" in the class is for everyone to share their testimony. Joe and I decided to host this event and asked everyone over to our house for dessert and sharing.

We lived in an urban area - old 1920s bungalows with hard wood floors, leaded glass windows and small rooms. We loved it, although we know it is not everyone's "cup of tea". We had 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, and a finished basement on top of a living room, dining room and kitchen. It was really good for our family of 5.....or so I thought....

This woman was amazed at how much our family had changed over the past 8 years. Lincoln was born and we adopted not one..but two...African orphans.

That's when she blurted out, "You're not still living in the tiny house, are you?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that because I was stunned that she called our house in the city "tiny".

"Um...actually we moved out to the country."

"Oh good! I just can't imagine raising that many children in that small place."

"Well...to tell you the truth...our house in the country is smaller."

"What?" She gasped.

"Yes. Our rooms are smaller, we don't have a finished basement and we added a 100 pound dog to the mix. We have three kids sharing a room, two in another and our son is in a tiny (and it is TINY) room."

She walked away flabbergasted. I can't blame her. She comes from the "other side of the tracks". She lives in a area where 3000 sq. feet homes are considered average. She lives in an area where 2 kids is average and if someone dares to have 3 you better have a maid. She's nice...don't get me wrong...she is just out of touch with my reality.

Here is my reality. This life is NOT supposed to be about comfort - comfort tells you that you're doing enough and you don't need to sacrifice more. Once you are out of your comfort zone, you realize all that you can sacrifice. My reality is that I have seen orphans living in Ethiopia...hungry, sparse clothing, sick. Once you see that...live that...a big house and a new car just don't compare. I am NOT judging YOU - or anyone - I am just saying that my reality is different now.

Here is more reality.

Around the world, some 26,500 children die every day.

That is equivalent to:

How many minutes did it take you to read this post? One minute? 18 children just died.

My house was big enough to adopt again. So what that my kids share bedrooms? They are learning to be good sharers, to be patient with others, to work out differences. They are learning about loving the unlovable. They have learned that their siblings really were "starving to death." They are learning that love is colorblind.

No...we are actually living in a smaller house...and we are loving every minute of it.

Bonding

2011-05-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

Bonding IS happening.

On Saturday, Joe and I wanted to go on a breakfast date. We have found that Saturday morning breakfast dates are a great way for us to have some quiet time together and the kids are much more comfortable being home alone during the day (as opposed to a Saturday night date).

They are all used to our dates - but we haven't been on one since Anna came home.

So, we prepared all the kiddos that Saturday we would be going on a date. Around 5am, Anna crept into bed with us and fell peacefully back asleep. Joe and I woke up around 7am and decided to just throw on some baseball hats and go have our date.

Anna shot up out of bed and asked, "Can I go with you?"

We tried to explain the importance of Mommy and Daddy going on a date alone - connecting with each other is crucial to how we are as parents. Of course, she didn't understand.

She cried and cried, begging me not to leave her.

I know this sound cruel that I am writing about this- but this really was a sign that Anna is starting to bond with me. You see, when I picked her up in CO, she didn't even hesitate to leave her home for 4 months and climb into a car with a complete stranger! And even though we kept telling her we would be right back, and that Daddy had bought donuts for the kids, she could NOT bear the thought that we would not be together.

So different...

Safe Families Update

2011-05-09T05:21:00.000-07:00

While things have been relatively quiet on the SF front...this week looks to liven things up a bit.

Tomorrow, I will be a featured speaker at the BASICS Pastor's Appreciation Breakfast. I am humbled by God's timing for I have volunteered at this breakfast for the past two years as a greeter. As I stood in the doorway and welcomed over a hundred inner-city pastors, I had no idea that the next year I would be standing before them telling them about Safe Families!

There are over 175 pastors confirmed to be there. That means at least 150+ churches represented who will hear the message of Safe Families and what this ministry can do in Milwaukee!

When I was asked to speak at this event last September, I thought we would surely be legal by now. But no. Politics continues to play an ugly part in this drama. I could rant about how each "side" wants to change a word here or insert a comma there, and how all this is just slowing down a much needed ministry, but I AM trusting that God is ultimately in control. His timing is perfect! I don't know why we have waited over a year - well actually, Safe Families has been trying to get into Milwaukee for over 5 years now - but I trust in a God who sees down the road and knows why we are where we are right now.

Progress. The committee votes on our amended bill on Thursday. That's the big day! Then, the whole Assembly should vote the following week!

Then...on to the Senate to do more of the same.

Again...I have "experts" telling me this will not get done before summer recess (end of June), so we should realistically look to mid-late fall. I refuse to concede this...I serve a BIG GOD! I don't know what His Will is for the timing, but I am still praying that we get this done in June and put the legislative battle behind us.

In Honor of Judy

2011-05-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is tomorrow. I am horrible at sending cards or buying gifts. I admit it freely. But, even though I may forget the cards or neglect to send a gift, I absolutely love my mother and I want you all to know it!

I was just talking with my neighbor about Mother's Day and I said "I just can't believe I am a mom to six kids!" And she followed up my statement with a question, "Are you like your mother?"

I am not sure why she asked that, probably just wanted to know more about my past and if that would inspire me to be a mom to a large number of kiddos. I wasn't sure how to answer that question.

Yes...I look just like my mom. And every now and then I hear my self say, "Eee-gads" or "Heavens to Betsy" (whatever that means!). I see myself in the side mirror as Joe is driving the car and I see the same face I used to watch as I was a little girl sitting in the back seat intently watching my mother.

But no...my mom is so much more patient than I am. And she listens so much better than I do. And she quietly trust the Lord with everything in her life - she doesn't shout it from the rooftops or stand up in Sunday School class to tell everyone about her life - but trust me, it shows. I believe she is a better mom than I am - I was never yelled at, I was always forgiven, I always knew I was loved. My mom signed me up for things I wanted to do...and then sat in the cold on hard benches watching me play softball in April in Ohio! My mom would drive me to church every Sunday night (a long drive!) so I could be in a youth group and a bell choir. She never complained....ever...never. My mom let me be me...she didn't try to change who I was, but instead she gave me such confidence in whatever I tried to do knowing she would be there to catch my fall.

I want to be my mom when I grow up. I have always wanted to be my mom when I grow up!

Now...I say I want to be a mother-in-law like my mom....and I want to be a grandmother like my mom.

I once lamented to a friend that I didn't have a mentor in my life - a Christian woman who was walking this road with me, but who was ahead of the game to offer advice. She laughed and said, "You have that in your mother! So many women today don't have that in their moms!"

She was right...I do have an amazing mother. She offers advice - but only when I ask for it. She supports all our crazy ideas - even when others don't. She loves unconditionally - even when I don't deserve it.

I love you, Mom!

Home

2011-05-04T05:26:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year...I love watching the birds working feverishly to put together their nests. What is interesting about where we live now, is that I get to see so many attempts at nests. This picture is of a grape vine wreath on our front porch. I watched two birds work an entire day to make this. After discovering how busy our front porch can be, they quickly abandoned their efforts. I was happy they changed their mind, because they were not putting together a very secure nest.

Then, I noticed this next nest...on our lamp post next to the our garage door. I wondered how in the world a baby bird would survive in this nest!

But then...I discovered this beauty...on the window sill at the top of our stairs. This nest is tucked neatly into the corner on a large ledge. It is protected from the wind and the rain by the overhang of the roof. And here is where a momma robin has worked so hard to put together this well-built home. At first we noticed the nest. Then there was one egg, followed soon after by another. To our shock, within another 24 hours, the momma had laid 2 more eggs. And now we watch in awe at the brilliant blue eggs and the ever-present momma.

Momma Robin now sits on her nest - feathers ruffled and patiently sitting on her window ledge. I have put a black towel over the window so she feels safe - and doesn't see us all racing up and down the stairs every hour.

Last year, at the Orphan Summit, I listened as Karyn Purvis shared a magnificent story about birds building a nest and how a traumatic event can alter the way a bird builds a nest for years. She likened that to our hurting children - how they are like these birds that can't even seem to do the most basic task that they were made to do. Every time I see the failed attempts at nest building, I am reminded of how much healing my children need to go through. I have watched failed attempts at my home for the past two years. This year, I finally see a bird that managed to build a magnificent nest and lay 4 eggs into it!

Hope.

More Healing

2011-05-02T05:03:00.000-07:00

If I would have known what adopting another child would do for George, I would have done it a year ago. But...I do believe in God's perfect timing and I also know that Anna was meant to be our daughter, so now was the time.

As we were getting ready for dinner, most of the kids were outside talking with our neighbors and playing with the dogs. Anna was still inside, so we scooted her out the door telling her to go play before dinner. She hurried to put on her shoes and then ran out the door very excited. That is, until she saw the dogs - racing and running and jumping and flashing across the yard. She froze, not sure how to proceed without the risk of getting trampled by three 100 pound dogs.

Then George started running. Joe asked, "Is he really coming to get Anna?"

Me, the skeptic said, "No. I am sure he wants food or something."

To our surprise, George ran straight to Anna, bent down and said something to her, and then held her hand as he led her across the yard. At one point, Anna froze again, and George put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a reassuring nod, "Trust me. It will be OK."

I wish I would have had my camera ready for that moment. It was so sweet. Both Joe and I broke down into massive tears. Our son, who fights his selfish desires constantly actually thought of someone else and acted upon that. He sensed his sister's fears and he came to her rescue. Character.

The word we use so often to George. Just before dinner, we had a long, long talk about money. George loves money. He has stolen money. He is obsessed with what things cost and how much I spend. If I come home with a new pair of jeans for Harry, George asks, "What did that cost? Do you spend that much on my jeans?" A little boy had given Anna $5 last week. This was driving George crazy. Eventually, he talked Anna out of the $5 and happily put it in his wallet.

Oh no..Joe was furious. So, that led to the long talk about the love of money. We explained to George that Jesus said you can't love money and him. This blew George away. He didn't believe Joe, so he came and asked me if this was true. When I told him yes, he wanted to see it in the Bible. We showed him.

Then he stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

He sat in the front yard..obviously thinking about this problem. I know he loves Jesus. These words from Christ stunned George. For the first time in my life, I saw how this mandate from Christ was so radical and so infuriating to the people of his day. Money means life to George - if we have money, we have food and shelter and clothing. If we don't have money, we starve and we could be homeless and we would have no wii or Game Cube (trust me, I am sure he was thinking more along the lines of all the stuff he has!). But, he sat there stunned. This Jesus that he has come to love and trust and pray to now says that one can't love money and him.

I can't remember how long he was outside thinking - I was busy doing house-wife stuff (ha!). Eventually, I heard him talking to Joe and I think he said, "I don't want to love money, Dad."

That led to George telling Joe how much he loved Anna. And then Joe said, "Just think George! When you were a baby in Ethiopia, Anna was a baby in Ghana. And we were living our lives in America. We didn't know each other even existed. But God knew! And God couldn't wait to knit our family together. He knew that a boy in Ethiopia would have a sister from Ghana and would live in Wisconsin. And if this family in Wisconsin had loved money, we might not have obeyed God when he told us to go get our kids. God doesn't want us to love money, He wants us to love His children. Amazing, isn't it?"

Yes...it IS amazing!

Witness

2011-04-29T05:50:00.001-07:00

Last week Eleanor wore our new Safe Families-Milwaukee t-shirt to school.

And Eleanor's very left-leaning, non-Christian teacher stopped her, read the scripture on the shirt and asked, "What does this mean?"

Guess what? This left-leaning, non-Christian teacher is now leading her class in a fundraiser to raise money for Safe Families -Milwaukee!

God works in mysterious ways!

My Children

2011-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

The Big Question

2011-04-26T05:16:00.001-07:00

I know the question that is on everyone's lips: "How has the adoption of Anna affected George?"

Joe and I have always believed that adopting another child, especially from Africa, would be good for George. No longer would he be the only one adopted. No longer would he be the only one with brown skin and curly hair. And so, we have prayed for God to make a way for us to adopt from Africa again.

When Anna came home, all the kids were piled against the kitchen window staring out curiously awaiting what would come out of the car. All of them remembered the day, almost exactly two years ago, when George came home. Same scenario - my children peering out a window, anxious to welcome home their new brother. George went to a corner and screamed. Anna....she giggled, said hello to everyone and even gave a few hugs. Then, she took Isabel's hand and walked around the house. I could feel the huge sigh of relief from Eleanor and Harry. Eleanor later told me she was so scared that it would be like before - she was almost in shock at how different this was.

So, George, remembering how he acted, started to cry.

"I didn't act that way when I came home."

"We know, buddy. But, the past is the past. You have been forgiven and we don't look back on those days. We love you. You are our son and you have the chance to make today a good day."

He continued to cry. True remorse began to come out. And I think he was faced with what COULD have been. He saw a girl accept the love a family had to offer and he saw that girl warmly fall into everyone's arms. He saw a girl laugh and giggle. He saw a family smiling. And he was truly sorry.

This period lasted a few days and we worked through a lot with him, mainly telling him over and over again that he has been forgiven and there is no need to apologize anymore. I think he has truly accepted that forgiveness now.

Yesterday, the kids had the day off school and it was a beautiful spring day in Wisconsin. Sunshine and warm temperatures caused us to spend the entire day at the park. At one point, Anna banged her head against a metal bar and began to cry. Before I could even possibly get there, George was there comforting her and telling her, "Mom is coming."

Last night, after the kids had spent a few hours after dinner playing basketball and then King of the Hill (a truly funny sight to watch!), Lincoln, George and Anna all curled up next to me (I actually feel like I have triplets now - for all three act the same age) as we watched an inning of the Brewers game. George reached over and stroked Anna's arm. And then he quietly said to her, "Anna, I love you. I am going to be your big brother forever."

So...What Happened?

2011-04-25T09:09:00.001-07:00

I would LOVE to tell you the amazing story of how God brought Anna into our family. I can't tell you much because this is an adoption from dissolution. That means that a family that had adopted Anna from Ghana decided they no longer wanted her.

Because this is a dissolution, several court proceedings have to take place before she is legally ours. The first family has to officially adopt her and then dissolve the adoption. Then, we will petition the court here in our county to officially adopt her, change her name to ours and make this her forever family.

I hope you understand that I can't tell you much about Anna or her first adoptive family until this is all over. Until then, I'll just give little updates here and there - and of course, I can talk all about the other 5!

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter! Easter was Anna's first day at church...well, she apparently went to a Roman Catholic church 2 or 3 times, but nothing like what she experienced yesterday. A huge celebration! Thousands of people cheering for our Lord and Savior! Needless to say, she liked it. And then she kept asking about Jesus the rest of the afternoon :)

Winner!

2011-04-22T06:42:00.001-07:00

I was surprised with being told I won a blogging award :) Thank you http://crazylifeofapreacherswife.blogspot.com/

There are rules that go along with this award and the first is for me to list 10 things about myself, so here goes...

1. I grew up in Columbus, OH and love the Buckeyes!

2. I moved a lot in the early years of my marriage. We left Ohio and lived in South Carolina, moved to central California and then moved to northern California, back to Ohio and then finally up to Wisconsin.

3. I have an amazing husband who I love more and more each year.

4. I have been blessed with 3 girls and 3 boys.

5. I have adopted a son from Ethiopia and a girl from Ghana.

6. I gave birth to 4 children naturally - and loved it!

7. I love Recees', Caramello, and Take 5!

8. Hillsong is my favorite CD right now - can't get enough worship these days. And..I was thrilled to find out they are coming to Milwaukee in June!

9. I love the Brewers, I am learning to like the Packers, but will never follow the Badgers!

10. I can't think of anything else to say :)

Now, I have to nominate some other blogs. So, here are the blogs I follow:

http://joyfullybusy.blogspot.com/
http://yearn4surrender.blogspot.com/
http://feet2ourfaith.blogspot.com/
http://aliciamariechristensen.blogspot.com/
http://www.beneaththeacaciatree.com/
http://solgosfamily.blogspot.com/
http://ethiopiascalling.blogspot.com/
http://bearcreekmeadows.blogspot.com/
http://buildingtheblocks.blogspot.com/