Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Who God Is

I can't believe I am closing in on the end of September!  Fall is always an incredibly busy month in the Weldie household.  Football games, band competitions, pee-wee football games, middle school volleyball games...everyone is typically going in different directions.

This fall has found me tired.  And working hard at mending some deep spiritual issues.

The big news I have to share - and probably why I haven't written in a long time - is that Joe lost his job in August.  It was a very hard day for us and I am sure some day I will be able to share what happened.  That time is not yet.  We were scared.  We told the kids and it was a very emotional night with lots of tears.  But, we chose in that moment, to trust God and in His faithfulness.

Despite my fear, I never lost faith that God would see us through.  In fact, I immediately looked at the firing as a blessing.  No more travel.  It has been a very long three years with Joe traveling as much as he has...and I would take him being home, even if it cost us a job.

But we were so blessed!  Our neighbors were amazing!  They brought over food...and then more food.  Then they brought over laundry detergent, toilet paper, paper towels and soap!  Then came more food.  And then cash.  I could not believe it - and I am still humbled by their generosity.

The past month, we have not wanted for anything.  We cut out several extras that we didn't need and we ate some very simple meals, but in all honesty, it felt so good!  The kids were amazing - they never complained about the every other night of spaghetti (the best way to fill up my kids with a healthy meal that is cheap).

But then God did something amazing.  He provided Joe a job...here in Greenville...with no travel...at a company that was not even looking to hire.  Let me tell you about our God.  God blesses whoever He wants to, whenever He wants to, however He wants to.  God blesses because He is good.  God blesses those who screw up and make big messes of their lives...just because God is who He is.

I learned something important this past month.  My theology was always pretty straight when it came to salvation.  I know I am a screwed up, black hearted sinner.  And I know there is NOTHING I can do to earn eternal life in the presence of God.  I will be in heaven with God because Jesus paid my penalty for all my sin.  Period.

But I think I was a bit messed up when it came to the every day life stuff.  I would never have admitted it, but I believed somewhere deep in my heart that if I was a "good girl", good things would happen to me.  So, if I prayed that day and was in the Word first thing in the morning, I wouldn't get stuck in the traffic jam.  Or, if I said just the right thing to my daughter when she was afraid, God would totally give me a good day with George.  And if all my good days kept piling on top of each other, God would some day give me the most popular blog award (ha!!).   I know...as I write this it sounds so completely ridiculous!  And it is !  Like I said, I would never admit these thoughts - maybe I didn't even consciously have them - but they were lurking deep down inside.

Until God blessed Joe.  God gave him this amazing job.  Even though Joe got fired!

When I told my friend about the job, the first thing out of her mouth was, "God is so good!"  And I had to admit for a split second, I was frustrated.   Whey should Joe get the job?  Why was God coming to his rescue.  Why is it that I seem to be the good girl in the corner who just gets crapped on all the time (more to come on that, it has been tough time with George lately - but what else is new, which just adds to my anger)?

At one point I was crying and yelled at Joe saying, "I just want to go out and be really bad!!!"  But then I was angry because I knew I couldn't be bad and even if I could be bad I knew it would not do any good.  So I am even more angry that I still was trying to be good.

But after I settled down, I got a good glimpse into who God is (and a frightening look at who I am without God).  God IS good.  God pursues the 1 and leaves the 99.   God came for the sick, not for the ones who are healthy.  God so passionately loves and cares and provides for His children.  God lavished love on Joe simply...because...

Don't get me wrong, I am so, so grateful that we have a job! And I AM praising God that Joe will no longer travel and will be at all the games and concerts and plays and meetings.  And I am humbled to see how much God loves us.

But I learned so much more about God this past month - and that is the true reason for my thankfulness.  I think I still have some wrestling to do with God - trying to work out this whole idea of not needing to perform for God, or get it all right all the time.  Until I get this all figured out in my head, I will chose to practice the presence of God in my minute to minute life.  I will cling to the knowledge that God is good.