Monday, May 6, 2013

Heartbreak

Most days, I love the ministry work that God has called me into.  Some days, I go to bed with a broken heart.

Tonight, I will fall asleep yet again wondering if there was something more I could have said, or one more thing I could have done..and yes, a little broken hearted.

Many of you have been following the story of the single dad with two children in a SFFC home.  That single dad was one step away from reunification with his children when, in a moment of tearful confession, he told me that he was an alcoholic and needed help.  One one hand, I was devastated.  I was so sad for his kids who thought they were "going home".  I was angry that he had led us on for months, leading us to believe that he had it all together and was ready to be a man.  But on the other hand...I was praising God.  This man trusted me and the host family enough to tell us the truth.  We promised him, no judgement...only forgiveness.

About 6 weeks ago, he checked into a drug and alcohol addiction recovery center for me.  They have a 7 month program - so we are talking comprehensive!  The host dad and I had the pleasure of visiting with the dad last week.  He looked great - he has gained weight - and there was a sparkle in his eye.  He began our meeting by asking for our forgiveness for all the lies, for all the manipulation, and for all the mistakes.  We promised him again, no judgement...only forgiveness.

This single dad is hanging out hope that one day...his wife...and his children will be all together with him making a happy family.  But, the reason he reached out SFFC in the first place was because his wife was addicted to meth and walked out on the family.  I have been skeptical, but I desperately wanted to be proven wrong.   I wanted God to show up and do a miracle!

So, the mom has been back in the picture ever since the dad went to rehab.  She moved into the trailer that had been so lovingly filled with furniture by families from SFFC.  We thought for sure she would try to get her kids.  We thought for sure she would sell off all the furniture to pay for her drug habit.  We thought for sure the trailer would be trashed.  But, she surprised us.  No, she never tried to talk to her kids, which was sad.  But, no, she didn't sell anything and she kept the trailer in relatively good condition.

As SFFC, we made the decision to take all the donated furniture out of the trailer and put it into storage in order for the dad to have it when he leaves rehab.  We made this decision based upon his kids and what they will need to feel like they are living in a HOME.  We sent word to the mom that the host parents would be coming out to move the furniture.  I have to admit I was nervous for them.  I prayed all week that there would be peace at the trailer that morning.

God showed up.

There was peace...and the mom was packed up and helped the guys move things into the trucks.  And then, after all the furniture was moved, the mom and the SFFC host mom sat and talked for over an hour.  The mom said, "Yes..I am ready to get clean!"

The host family wrote a check for her to enter rehab and called me to see if I could pick her up on Monday morning and take her to rehab.  I said, "Of course!"

Well, I am writing this on Monday morning with a sore hand.  You see, I drove to the trailer out in the country this morning and banged and banged and banged on that door for 30 minutes just praying that she would answer the door.  I called the host mom, "Maybe she is in the shower?  Maybe she is drying her hair?"  I walked all around the trailer.  I helped move furniture in, so I knew right where to stand to listen for  shower or a hair dryer.  Silence.

I called the mom's sister.  "Oh no!  I can't believe this!  She was so ready to go!  Can you stay and bang on the door some more?"

I promised her I would.  I even honked the truck's horn several times. Walked all around banging...not knocking...on all the doors and windows.

She wasn't there.

I don't care about my sore hand..or my wet shoes....or the wasted gas and time.  I can't stop thinking about those kids...and that husband who prayed with tears running down his face that God would restore his family.

There is only so much a person can do.  Right?

I can't make her be there...I can't make a mom want to go to rehab and get clean....and I can't restore a family.

So, why am I even trying?  Why did God call me...just a stay at home mom to get in this line of work?

Because God can...

And God does...

And God loves.....

I am a bit broken hearted today.  I will probably think about this all day long and pray that somehow...some way...that mom calls me and says, "Can you come pick me up?"