Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Life as Usual

My life has just become so busy that I simply do not have much time to blog anymore.  There are so many moments in the day that I think to myself, "Oh, I need to blog about this!"

Like our family movie night watching The Life of Pi..and how Georgie exclaimed at the end of the movie, "I didn't understand that at all!  It was like it was in Japanese."  Many of us had to agree.

Or how we have gone through some really rough patches over the past two months.  George is really raging at times - in scary ways and I am realizing that when he is raging like this, I can not physically control him.  I fear for the safety of our family some times.  But then, whenever that fear creeps in, I immediately get into prayer and remind myself (and God, if I am being honest) that He led George into our family and I will trust God completely in this journey.  After the rages are over - George is able to confess his sin, ask for forgiveness and quickly move into a place of restoration.  Joe and I are learning how to react...or actually better to say NOT react.  We have learned how to stay calm, speak truth...and  PRAY.

God has clearly allowed Joe and I to walk this path to teach us...over and over again that we can do NOTHING without God.  I literally have to pray each and every morning for love and patience for George.  And the days that go by without any explosions or outbursts, I thank God at the end of that day.  And those days are more and more frequent.

This is historically our very difficult period with George.  And this April found us celebrating our 4th Anniversary of Gotcha Day.  I pulled George close and said, "George, do you realize you have now been with your family for 4 years?"  We talked about how significant that was.  George was abandoned at 4 years old..so from this moment on, George will be with us longer than he was with his Africa Mommy.

Two nights ago, George had (yet again) caused a huge fight which resulted in Joe and I not being able to go to dinner with some friends.  After all the emotional craziness wore out, and George settled down for several hours, we were able to talk.  This led to George confessing that when he wakes up sometimes he is immediately in a bad mood because we don't "buy him stuff."

OK.  I am glad he was honest, and I do believe he has a HUGE issue with coveting STUFF.  But...seriously?  There are moments when I think....OK, Kid...you came to us with nothing - you had clothes that didn't fit that actually belonged to the orphanage.  You had no shoes.  You had no toothbrush.  You had no toys.  When I say nothing, I don't mean the "I have nothing to wear" type of nothing when in reality there are 47 shirts, 18 pairs of jeans and 15 sweaters in your closet.  I mean nothing.  And now...what we have offered him is simply not enough in his mind.  This is the crux of the battle for his soul:  contentment vs. greed.

So, Joe and I just keep plodding along.

We are making progress academically.  I have finally made enough of a stink that he finally has been tested and evaluated.  I truly believe that if I hadn't, he would continue to be passed along!  This is truly an area of frustration for me - because I am a loud mouthed momma bear, I was able to persuade the school to get moving on the testing for a learning disability.  But, it took me TWO years to get this!  What about the moms that don't feel capable or confident enough to speak up?  There are serious flaws in our school systems in America - but - I digress.

We should be getting the results of the testing this week and start making an educational plan.  Yes..there are only 4 weeks of school left this year, but I am thankful to have the IEP in place THIS year so we don't waste any time next year.  The district psychologist told me over the phone that George clearly has a learning disability and easily qualifies for extra services.  There was a part of me that said, "Ummm....you think so?  I have been telling every teacher and every school this for 4 years now!"  I have hope that he will start really making progress with what he needs to be independent some day.

I also think that if we can get his RAD healed - and yes - I believe that with God, RAD can be healed - his brain will finally relax and be able to LEARN.  Right now, he can't learn because he spends most of his brain power in "fight, flight or freeze mode".  He still fears that I am going to leave him.

This was so evident a few weeks ago when I was speaking at a church in Columbia.  I asked George and Eleanor to go with me - I always try to take some kids with me because my ministry work truly is a family affair.  So George typically talks...constantly....in the car.  It is enough to drive me crazy most days.  I realized half was to Columbia that George had been strangely SILENT.  I looked in my rear view mirror and saw him nervously shifting his eyes out every window, with this very stressed look on his face.  I asked him how he was doing, and he answered, "Where are we going?"

I had told George for days where we were going and why. He should have clearly known that we were going to a church in Columbia because mommy was going to talk to a bunch of people.  Apparently, he didn't believe me.   Then God gives me a vision of George at 4 years old being taking to get something sweet to drink by his mom - who he trusted completely - and then left at the door of an orphanage.  Could George be thinking that I am actually taking him somewhere and then leaving him?

The answer to that question is clearly YES.

He still has that fear.  That fear is controlling every aspect of his life...still.

And so my heart breaks...again..and I realize how selfish I am most days.  I get so annoyed by George, or downright angry with him...and so often I fail to remember how broken he still is.

I pray every day...God heal George!  And so far, God keeps telling me that I have to play a role in that healing.  God so far has not chosen to touch that broken heart and mind and take away all the pain and the fear.  God is asking ME to love him and forgive him and continue to show mercy to him in order to slowly, over time, bring healing to that broken heart and mind.

Some days, that is simply too much for me to do.  And I think that is exactly where God wants me.  God wants me dependent...on my knees...sometimes flat on my face...acknowledging that this is a marathon and I must continue to run the race.

So..life goes on as usual around here.  Oh, except for the fact that I just wrote a letter to President George Bush telling him all about the once-orphaned boy in Ethiopia who was named after him.

2 comments:

Christy said...

Traci,
I LOVE this post...so honest. It DOES get better. Praying for George..and your family. :)

ruthiedarlin said...

I too thank you for your open heart although it may be vulnerable, it is real, it is truth that God wants us to share to show others like myself that we are not alone. I never imagined when we set out to adopt that loving would be the most challenging part. Thank you again for sharing!