Friday, August 10, 2012

Heart Wrenching Day

I knew the ups wouldn't last for too long..that is just the nature of this adoption.  And..the down time came the past few days.  They have been tough, as I sensed George trying to do many things to make us mad or push us away.  At one point, Joe and I looked at each other and said, "We are so over this roller coaster.  Can we just get off now?"

George had decided he wanted to live with our neighbors.  Why?  Because they get to play video games all day long...basically.  So, what nine year boy would NOT want to play video games all day long?  Not many, I realize this.  But what happens is more than George thinking this is a cool house because the parents let their kids play video games all day long..in HIS mind he thinks, "The parents love these kids more because they let their kids do whatever they want all day long.  No one to tell them to pick up their room.  No one to tell them it's time for bed. No one telling me how to act."

So George came home and announced, "I am not a Weldie anymore."  He picked a fight with Lincoln and literally let the other boys TRY to beat him up.  Thankfully, Lincoln is one tough cookie and held his own against the older boys.  George sat back and  watched and then sided with the neighbors.  Joe tried to talk to George about always siding with your family first...and George said he doesn't want us to be his family anymore.

Oh, the heart ache.  I felt like I did in the very beginning when words like that cut so deeply.  Why?  I just couldn't get over wondering why he was doing this...again...after we were having such wonderful days!

Joe had a long talk with him...so long that I had to open the door and say, "Too much attention."  Part of the RAD mind thrives on all things chaos and all the attention - even if it is "bad" attention.  Here was George getting just what he wanted.

But..it is also what he needed.  And quickly the cycle ran its course.

All the anger was then directed at me.  "It's all YOUR fault!"

"OK buddy..I am sorry you feel that way, but you are staying here in your room until you calm down and then you can find me on the back porch where we can talk."

15 minutes later George walks down to find me. 

"I am sorry, Momma."

I always ask for what?  I need George..and all my children for that matter...to be specific in their apologies.  They need to know what they are apologizing for, not just a blank sorry that covers anything and everything.

But, George couldn't answer that.  And so, I asked him to sit down right across from me so we could talk.

And then, I poured my heart out to George.  I shared with him how much I loved him and how I had given him everything I had...I had given him all the love I could possibly have for a child.  I have given him every ounce of forgiveness and grace a momma could have.  I have poured into him positive words of our future together.  I have not given up on him.  And then I asked him, "What am I not giving you?  Because if there is something you need, I need to know that. But...I need you to know that I have and am giving you everything  I can already."

His defense kicked in and he shouted at me, "Then just give up on me!"

I replied quickly and calmly, "I have never said I was giving up.  You are the one who always talks about giving up.  But, it is not me who says I am giving up.  Right?"

He nodded. 

I asked him, 'What is your last name?"

"Lema."

Another knife into the heart.

I do what I often do with George..and I take him back to the day his mommy took him to the orphanage in Soddo.  And I ask him, "Who saw you?  Who was with you?"

He shrugs his shoulders.  I think he knows, but he still wants me to continue.

"Jesus was there with you.  He saw you when you were scared and He held your heart.  He saw when you were hungry and when you went to bed alone and He was there. And at that moment, He spoke to Joe and Traci Weldie and told them, "I want you to go rescue one of my children who is scared and hungry and alone."  And Joe and Traci obeyed God.  They saw a picture of George and immediately fell in love.  And Jesus stayed right there next to George the entire time..until his new momma  and daddy could get to Ethiopia."

George responds to this familiar story with, "I wish I was back in the orphanage."

We talk about what that would really be like. 

He is quiet and then walks away. 

 I have no idea what he is thinking about or what will happen next, but to my surprise, he comes racing back onto the porch and falls into my lap sobbing.
"I miss my mommy so much. It hurts.  My heart hurt.  I wasn't ready to go.  I wish my mommy could come live here with us!"

And I remind George as I hold him and rock him gently that I love his mommy, too.  And that it is OK to love both mommies!  He seems to be so surprised by this notion and asks me "What?" many times.  I tell him over and over again that he can totally love both mommies.  And I tell him what I have often said, "Someday, your mommy and I will give each other the biggest hug two mommies ever shared."

George talked more about living with him mom and Grandmother. He often tells me his mom's tongue was purple and how that scared him.  He says his mom and his grandmother were so sick and he was so hungry.  He said, "You know when a tummy doesn't eat much for a long time, sometimes food can hurt the tummy and I would throw up."  I told him I knew that and that is why we understood when he threw up so many times when we were first a family. 

We stayed that way for a long time...for us....probably 20 minutes or so.  And he melted into my body the way all my other kids do..but he has never done!  He usually has been so rigid, not letting himself relax and melt into me.  It happened today.

It happened today.

3 comments:

Amy Shaw said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing your intimate heart struggles and joys! Praying for more and more headway to be made in dear George's heart. What a precious soul he is! What a story he has! God will use this...and him in the future. Hang on, sister! Keep on doing good, for when we do not give up, we WILL reap a harvest. (amy version of Gal 6:9)

<3 you!!

Eowyn's Heir said...

Hoooray!! PS- this is random but has he ever been tested for PA

Eowyn's Heir said...

PANDAS? basically an untreated strep infection that causes rage cycles due to attacking the amygdala? It's not so uncommon as it sounds.