Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Where the Heart Takes Me...

Restless...yet content...

Knowing there is more....yet fulfilled with what I have before me...

These are the tensions that run in my heart day after day.

Is it because this is not my home?  Is it because the peace and wholeness I long for just isn't possible in this world?  I am not talking about myself or my family - but throughout the world...I long for restored relationships, harmony, peace...

Eleanor and I were at the grocery store, looking at all the options for cheese flavored snacks.  Really?  And I think of how much time is spent developing cheese flavored snacks that are "better" or "healthier" or "fancier" than the other cheese flavored snacks.  As we looked for the "perfect" snack, she said, "Mom..thank you."

"For what?  Picking out a cheese flavored snack is pretty great work, right?"

"No, Mom!"  Insert teenage rolling eyes...I get less funny as she gets older.  "Thanks for raising me the way you are.  You are opening my heart to the broken."

Heart swells a bit...and then I wonder, is it a good thing to be showing my 15 year old daughter all the brokenness in life?  Or would it have been better to stay in our home school bubble that was so safe and so clean and so put-together?  We LOVED that life!  I LOVED the home made pumpkin waffles and the staying in PJs all day working on novel units of Little House on the Prairie.  Loved it. 

But, she had no idea there was such a hurting world right outside her door.  I used to say that I would never apologize for sheltering my children.  I let the grow up in safe, homey environments where they were free to explore their desires and interests.  And that was good.

But God clearly moved us into a new phase of our lives.  And that includes showing ALL our children how broken this world is. 

And I know that my life in ministry is a major contributor to that.  I talk about the phone calls I get - I have to de-stress after talking to these women who are in huge amounts of stress.  I need to talk things through to ask, "Did I tell them the right thing?"  So, they all are exposed to women making horrible decisions and women who are being abused and kids who are unloved and unwanted.  And..they hearts break...and maybe...they will all someday say they are grateful for the way we are raising them?

For now...my heart is LONGING for something MORE.  I have this desire to MORE engaged in the adoption/orphan care world.  I love Safe Families - don't get me wrong.  But...I have to keep pushing the feelings about orphan care and adoption down so I can do the work of SF.  I LONG to advocate, teach, encourage, love, go....for the fatherless of the world. 

How do I reconcile what God has given me to do here with my heart's desire?  Is this desire from the Lord?  I am begging God to show me His plan in this....

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