Monday, June 11, 2012

UnForgiveness

I realize that I have been pretty unfair about dumping all the problems I have with George and then not sharing the positives at all.  And I have also noticed that I haven't written at all about the children in a long time.  So...here is a little update:

George finished 3rd grade and was promoted (barely) to 4th grade.  I battle constantly about school and whether or not I should home school him again.  He did improve academically last year during our time at home...but our relationship deteriorated in a big way.  At this point in our relationship, I just can't see spending all day with George.  Yes..that sounds awful.  And no, I don't want to say it...I just have to be honest with myself.  We have enrolled our four younger kiddos into a new magnet school that I am praying will be great for George.  He can stand if he wants to (the desks raise up) and the chairs are the kind that you can rock and move in without distrubing anyone else.  The school is partnered with the local hospital system and will have many lessons taught by doctors, nurses, techs, and others from the medical field.  George has set a goal to be a paramedic...and so...I am praying this will be a good head start down the road to see if this is really what he wants to do.

Right now, the lure of the world is just overwhelming to George!  He wants stuff, money, more stuff, food, more food, shoes, more shoes....his appetite for the material world is insatiable.  I don't know how to "cure" that.  It was a little easier in Watertown because we had NOTHING.  George also wants to take the easiest path to any finish line.  Takes the short cuts through home-work.  Runs over people to get to the bus first.  Lies through his teeth constantly to avoid getting in trouble.

Yes..this is the life with George.  He is not throwing temper tantrums now.  He is not yelling at me about how much he hates me.  He has not called the police in a few months and he has not threatened to run away in about six weeks.  So, life over all is better.

But...the deeply rooted sin in his life still affects our daily life.

Joe and I were on the beach this weekend and through talking discovered that neither one of us have FORGIVEN George for what he has done to our family. 

I mean, he has come in and destroyed everything that used to be.

And I can't seem to let that go.

Sometimes I pine away at what my life would look like if we had never obeyed God.

And I know....that THIS was and is God's plan.  And I am GRATEFUL for how this experienced has forever changed me.  I love the Lord so much more than I even knew was possible because of this.  I have thrown my life into serving others because of this experience.  So absolutely...God used this child becoming my son to teach me...to change me...to mold me into looking a LITTLE bit more like the woman HE intended me to be.

But....

I still have not forgiven George for all the heartache and tears and fights and betrayal I have experienced as a Momma over the last three years.  And every time he tries to needle one of the other kids, or laughs at them when they fall down or make a mistake...I feel the anger roll in me like a tidal wave. 

More than once in the last three years I have screamed, "Enough!"

I just can't do this anymore!

And then I hear God gently whisper in my ear..."Forgive him."

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness has always come easily for me - which I believe has been a blessing from God.  But this time, I am being asked to do something that is NOT coming easy for me.

I wonder if anyone else out there is going through this?  I can say I love George...I do...that emotion and feeling has come.  He is my son and will always be my son.  But, until I learn to forgive him, I am afraid of how I treat my son.

"Lord, I come to you with a repentant heart.  I have failed to do something You so clearly have commanded we all do.  You taught us to always forgive and to even forgive those who don't ask for forgiveness.  And right now, at this time, George does not even know how to ask for forgiveness for what he has done.  Honestly, he hasn't done anything out of the ordinary for a boy who has gone through the amount of trauma and betrayal and lies that he has gone through.  Forgive me for not recognizing that.  Forgive me for not trusting YOU and Your plan in this.  OK...maybe that is the heart of this....I am failing to completely trust You.  You chose me to be George's Momma.  I have to stop asking "Why?" and instead say, "Thank you.  Now, I trust you."  And Lord, sometimes I DO trust You.  And I believe there is a HOPE and a FUTURE for George that is beautiful!  Forgive me for often getting in the way of your plan because of my anger and my unforgiving heart. 

Teach me to be more forgiving toward George.  Teach me how to model that for my family, who also struggles with unforgiveness toward George.  Use me to bring YOUR forgiveness and love back into this family.  I love you."

3 comments:

Julie said...

Hi. I have visited your blog numerous times. You write my exact thoughts when you talk about your son George. I haven't been quite so transparent on my blog but I could say the EXACT same things you do. My two Ethiopian daughters cycle - sometimes things seem to be going well, all seems normal and then we cycle into weirdness. The behaviors, the yelling, the threats, the lying, the turning on me, the inability to be content with ANYTHING and letting me know it all the time. I don't want to complain on your blog - just wanted you to know that I appreciate your words and your openness. I am out here (in VA actually) living the same stuff. We are actually adopting again...seems so ridiculous that with how hard it has already been for me and for our family, that God would see fit to send us again. I must ask him for His forgiveness moment by moment, daily as my parenting skills are so lacking when dealing with my daughters sometimes. Bless you for sharing.

Mama D’s Dozen said...

I just found your blog . . . and will probably spend hours reading it today. :)

We adopted 3 siblings from Ghana 4 years ago . . . the most difficult 4 years of our lives. Two years ago we had to find a new family for the older brother (as we discovered that he had been mol*sting his youngest sister for many years).

Our "Little Miss" has taught us all about the world of RAD and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). It is TOUGH. It is so. not. fun.

My husband is struggling with even finding a way to love our Little Miss at this point (not to even mention the need to forgive her). I think I'll share this post with him . . . which should lead to a very good though-provoking discussion.

Thanks for your transparency. I, too, have a very honest and transparent blog. (see "Adoption Crisis" and "Adoption Parenting Challenges" in my archives)

Laurel
mama of 12 (ages 10, 10, 12, 13, 15, 19, 21, 23, 23, 25, 26, 27)

Traci Weldie said...

Julie and Momma D,

It means so much to me that there are mommas out there who are going through the same things I am...in the beginning, I felt so alone. As I see all the precious homecoming videos and then see all the warm hugs between moms and their children, my heart continues to break all over again to what I think I am missing. I think that is where my unforgiveness is rooted and I MUST work this out in order to truly move forward with George.

I can't wait to go check out your blogs :)