Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A Little Afraid to Write This One....

After months of feeling low and discouraged and frustrated and then often coming here to vent those frustrations, I am almost a little afraid to write this blog post.
Because...life is good now.
George is improving!
Oh, it could be a million different reasons...it could be that daylight savings time is back and he gets to play for more hours outside? It could be that he has settled into our new home, our new neighborhood, our new church and his new school? It could be that he gained something from talking to his counselor? It could be that Joe and I started parenting him differently? It could be that dozens of people had committed to praying for George and for Joe and I? It could be that we simply made it through another hard Jan-March season? It could be that Jesus moved in his heart?
Or..probably..it is a combination of all those things!
Either way...the George who smiles and laughs and hugs and loves is back. The George who shouts out hateful words, refuses to pray, says he is running away is gone.
Now..we had a really, really rough time coming home from the beach last week and I have no idea what set him off. I literally had to pull the car off the highway and deal with his temper tantrum and the fact that he simply couldn't get control of his mouth. And every day, he does something mean or nasty...but what 9 year old boy can go through a day without saying something mean or nasty to one of his 5 brothers and sisters?
I have learned so much about RAD and I KNOW this "good cycle" won't last forever. I know that for every leap forward, we fall 10 steps back as we have to re-teach and re-do all the trust and love issues. George is THAT wounded. He is THAT hurt. He is THAT much in need of a family that will never give up on him.
I was talking to a friend this morning and she asked me if we had ever thought of disruption. The word alone caused me to feel sick to my stomach. Yes...I have thought of it...many, many times. But NO...I will not follow through on those thoughts.
You see..it is my SIN that brings those thought to my mind! It is my desire to have an easier life...to live in comfort...to have control. But that is not where God wants me! God clearly had plans to have me live this part of my life on my knees. He likes me there - not because He is a mean, vindictive God...but because He knows that when I live my life on my knees, I stay close to HIM...leaning on HIS character. When I am closer to Him...by God's grace I start to look more like Him. My prayer is that I reflect the character of God to my husband and my children...and if I am "all that" and "doing great"...I am reflecting ME...not GOD. And ME is pretty ugly and self-serving and prideful...why would I want to reflect that? That is not who I want my children to be.
I have realized God is using me to show my children what a life trusting the Lord looks like. I couldn't do that without George in my life.
God is using me to show HIS grace...HIS mercy...HIS love because He is calling me to STAY in this relationship! STAY through the hard times. STAY through the hurt feelings. STAY through the frustration and the depression. STAY.
Because He never leaves. He never fails. He always stays.
I am only trying to do what my Savior did for me.
Praise God we are having a normal time with George now. I thank God for staying with ME through this.

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