Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Life is Hard

Things have been tough lately. And I am so tired of writing about it. So, I don't even come here to write at all. The defiant attitude is about to break me.

In fact, on Friday morning, I had a break down. The story actually starts on Thursday night. Thursday night, during our Bible study time, we had the idea of saying a short prayer each morning asking God to help the kids make good decisions while they were at school. Very simple, but something each of the younger ones (the 4 who go to elementary school) wanted to do. So, as we sat in the car waiting for the bus, we folded our hands and closed our eyes and I began the short, simple prayer.

"I love lies. I love Wizards of Waverly Place. I love all the things my mom hates. Yes I do...I love to lie. I will lie to you. I love money. I will steal money...", George was saying in a sing-song way over the top of our prayer.

If I had forgotten that this adoption is more about spiritual matters than anything else...I was just reminded in a rude way! There is a battle in George's soul...a battle of good and evil. And frankly, sometimes evil wins that battle.

I came home and thankfully, Joe was home. I broke down and started sobbing. And then, I yelled at God....I mean, screamed at God. And I even said, "I can't do this anymore."

Now, the word DISRUPTION has never been allowed to be even spoken in our home. It's the same way Joe and I refuse to ever say the word DIVORCE. We have committed to George and won't even let ourselves go down that road...we know God would not be pleased with us. So, what is right? Disruption or commitment? This brings up so many questions..because obviously Anna is doing so wonderfully with us! I tell Anna all the time that THIS was God's plan all along.

However, I have a dear friend who says, "No..that is never God's plan." God CAN use a disrupted adoption to REDEEM and bring HEALING. But, it is a danger to think that God's CAN'T bring redemption and healing into that first forever family. If we would disrupt, we would be sending our son into the deep, dark pit even further. I am not sure if he would ever trust an adult again! We keep telling him we love him and forgive him...and then, we give up? It has taken us almost 3 years to get to THIS point - and I'm not even sure what kind of point this is..but we HAVE gotten somewhere.

And I was ready to give up.

And then God used a pastor on the radio to speak to me. I was listening to Walk in the Word - just catching the very end of the sermon. I realize now it didn't matter - the sentence I needed to hear was at the very end. James was talking about God's promises. So, my thoughts immediately went to the promise God gave me with George. It is found in Hosea. Hosea, who had to love and forgive and live with his adulterous wife. Hosea who was asked to do something that seems so hard. LOVE. Keep loving. Forgive. Always forgive. And WAIT.

And then God promises Hosea that there will be repentance that will bring blessing. This promise was given to me...and so, as I read this passage from the end of Hosea, I always think of George.

"I will heal George's waywardness and love him freely, for my anger will be turned away from him. I will be like the dew to George; he will blossom like a lily. Like a cedar of Lebanon, George will send down his roots; his young shoots will grow. George's splendor will be like an olive tree, his fragrance like a cedar of Lebanon. Men will dwell again in George's shade. George will flourish like the grain. George will blossom like a vine..." (Hosea 14:4-7)

God's promise to me. God's voice urging me to hang in there.

Suddenly, the pastor's voice breaks through my thoughts as he is getting really passionate and loud (smile).

"You are strulggin, you are frustrated, you are ready to give up, but there is only one thing! One thing! THE ONLY THING THAT STANDS BETWEEN YOUR CHALLENGES AND GOD'S PROMISE IS.....TIME."

Time. That's it. God is faithful! He will do what He said! And all that is needed is TIME!

But, isn't "time" exactly what we all struggle with the most? My 21st century mind says, "Isn't 3 years long enough?"

Ha. God just laughs.

And so, this weekend, Joe took over with George. I didn't talk to him, I didn't answer his questions, I didn't do anything. I went about my normal day serving and loving all the kids, but it was obvious that George was getting nothing from me.

Finally, on Saturday night, George asked Joe, "Why?"

Joe explained some hard truths to George.

I wish I could say the story ended with this wonderful scene where George runs to my arms and cries with sorrow and asks for forgiveness for all the ways he has been so hateful over the last three years.

But..that didn't happen. George did shape up a bit. And yesterday, a day that found me back in the forefront as Joe is out of town, George was a good boy..all day.

This morning, he has already told someone he would stab them in the heart with knife. This morning, he has spent a significant amount of time alone in his room.

But, this time, I promise to WAIT. I want to see God's promise fulfilled and I trust it will happen.


Cindee Snider Re said...

Oh, Traci...the story of redemption...sometimes quick and beautiful, sometimes a journey we never expected with twists and turns around every bend, filling so many tear-filled moments, but finally in the fullness of time, exquisitely, intensely, overwhelmingly beautiful taking us where we could never have imagined.

Standing with you, friend, on those incredible promises of God for your son, His son, His beloved child, George...and for you, His cherished daughter whom He delights over with singing.

Love you, my friend!

Anonymous said...

ok. that was for me. from God. through you.

Ann Marie said...

No easy light sugar coated words. It is beyond hard to live with what you are living with on a daily basis. We get it..and have and are living it...in a different flavor. Keeping you in prayer and sending you hugs.

Donna-Jean Breckenridge said...

Praying. Your honesty about your hard place is incredible. I"m sure you never, ever wanted to be the person someone else can refer to and say 'if she can do it, I can handle this...' But thank you anyway.

Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

Ditto what everyone else said. This really spoke to me. I feel ya, friend. I. REALLY. DO. You took the words right out of my mouth. God spoke some truths to me through my pastor this weekend... and last weekend. I love that He does that for us. So amazing. I'm right there in muck with ya. Thank you for your honesty!

Brooke said...

Oh Traci, I wish we could sit down and have chai together right now and I so wish I could give you a big hug! I'm so thankful for your honesty and the thoughts you put down on your blog. I know then what I can be praying for specifically for you all. The conclusions God has brought you to are so right on, and although this is so so difficult, I see Him working in you and through you as I read your words. His light is bright, even in the darkest places, and He can overcome this evil. You are amazing and George is going to be amazing too because of your faith in Christ and your perseverance. Love you friend.

Julie said...

HI - I have commented on your blog before. I so needed to hear your words. I struggle with our two little girls from Ethiopia. They take turns being the "good" one and the "bad" one. Each day is a struggle. It has been nearly three years for us and I keep praying for relief. God does relieve me and a new phase will begin. Some behaviors change and some maturity takes place. Then for some unknown reason, we are right back again - the same struggles, behaviors, comments, pain. I will pray for you as you deal with George and struggle to love him. I so understand and am living the same struggle each day with my girls. God bless you Traci!