Wednesday, November 2, 2011

My New Heart

Lord, I am trying! Or, actually, I have given up. Yea, that's the better to put it. I have given up once again. I have given up on figuring out George, or convincing him to be good, or banging my head against the wall as we work on homework. I have given up.

But, it's not what you think. I have given up my CONTROL.

And I turned back to my Father in heaven and told is ONLY through YOU that we will make it.

So, I woke up early and prayed for an hour. I begged God to come and work in me, through me, with me and pour love into George. I begged God to enable me to be a better mom, because I sure fail each and every day...especially with George.

And I told God that I would do my part. I would be in the Word today...I would stay close to Him..I would ABIDE.

Homework was a disaster...sigh....I failed that round.

But then, instead of letting it ruin my evening, I actually asked George if he wanted to help me in the kitchen as I got dinner ready. He was surprised, because I haven't done that for a long time. He helped set the table and then placed each full plate of dinner down carefully at each designated spot. He looked at me...I smiled, gave him a high-five and told him our proud I was of him.

After dinner, I was doing some work on the computer and he didn't leave my side. He was just talking and then he said, "I think I want to go back to the orphanage...the orphanage was fun."

I was stunned. Fun? What? Are you kidding me? I wanted to scream those words at him and shake him until the nonsense was shaking out of him!

But...I quickly breathed a prayer to God....a simply two word prayer..."Help me!"

And I stayed calm and quiet and asked George to tell me about the orphanage. I am learning that he doesn't always mean what he says, or say what he really means. And most times, he just wants to talk about something but doesn't know how to bring it up.

We talked....

and talked....

and talked...

and then, I asked him, "Do you think that all mommies leave?"

He choked on his cry as he tried to say, "Yes."

And he repeated something he has said quite a bit, "I didn't even get to say goodbye to her."

He told me about the day...THE his momma got him dressed nicely, found a pair of shoes for him. He was thrilled because he hadn't owned a pair of shoes before. His momma said, "Let's take a walk."

And they walked...and got hungry...and his momma had a piece of bread for him and a yummy drink. He adds, "She didn't eat, but she was very hungry."

He told me how when he got to the orphanage, his momma looked all around and then told George to go to this big play area. George obeyed and started playing with toys. He remember seeing Tegene (Hi, Joseph's mom!!!) and how they smiled at each other and said hello.

And that was it.

She was gone.

He then always talks about having to drink something that tasted so bad and then was put to bed. This time he added how he cried and there was no one there who wanted him.

Tonight...I am so thankful at how God continues to work on BOTH George and I. Obviously, I have some serious heart work that STILL needs to take place...and so does George. And yet again, I am reminded that I need to LOVE him through this.

If you read this and think of me...I need your prayers. I can't do this alone. I can't love the way I should without daily prayers. I trust that God WILL answer those prayers. Help me. Because I WANT to love George with an everlasting love.

Tonight, we got much closer.


Jacque said...

Praying for you Traci. May the Lord give you grace for today and for each day to come.

ESolgos said...

Oh, I know how hard it is to ask him to help with dinner after a homework fail! Good for you for going the extra mile, it is so hard, but so worth it!

denise said...

tears are welling up in my eyes as i read your post today, praying for you traci, and for your family.

Brian & Amy said...

My heart is bleeding for the pain, life-shaking shock that poor George experienced that terrible day. I am just so so so sad for him...and the millions like him.

When we choose to step into these stories, we do so with great excitement and thrill! We are aware there was pain in the kids' stories but we didn't have any clue how deeply it ran.

You are now unpacking those deeply hurt burdens he's been carrying. Your heart breaks and you pull out your hair at the same time because that same broken child in deperate need of you is so so so...FRUSTRATING.

I will pray. I love you and I love what you are doing in George's life by being an open vessel of God's love to him.

Hang in. Keep imagining the future George. God is the ultimate redeemer.