Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I Can't Tell :)

Sunshine was streaming through the windows of the church as birds were singing in the beautiful trees ablaze with red leaves. There was a cool breeze to make it the perfect October day in South Carolina.

All the people at the adoption conference were smiling and laughing and carrying on about how much adoption has meant to them. Couple after couple stood to the podium and made the same statements while smiles spread across their faces so wide I thought their cheeks might rip.

"There is NO difference in my love between my biological children and my adopted children."

"I can't even tell which are my adopted children and which are my biological children."

Ahhhhh - adoption.

Even the key-note speaker kept talking about "adopting babies" because "babies" are just so wonderful and cuddly and cute and even more wonderful!

Meanwhile, I sit there thinking I must be a horrible mom.

There IS a difference in my love. I haven't reached a point where I can't remember which of my children are adopted and which are not.

Sigh - adoption.

I love adoption conferences...but at the same time, I hate them. I left there feeling AGAIN like I am unusual or weird or worse yet...a FAILURE for not feeling like these happy moms cuddling their babies and saying things like "I have to laugh when someone asks me which one is adopted because golly, I just can't remember sometimes." When I look at my 6 lined up, I surely can tell right away which ones are adopted.

When I go to school conferences, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
When I go to a family wedding, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
When I walk into a store and get stared at, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.
And when I tuck them in at night, I can tell right away which ones are adopted.

My adopted kids talk differently, they smell differently, they behave differently.

What about us moms who are struggling to make this work? What about us moms that 2 years in are still having daily battles (mainly within myself)? I am part of a board where the moms are brutally and refreshingly honest. We tell each other when we are struggling...and believe me...many of us ARE!

But, who gets paraded on the stage at an adoption conference? They JCrew wearing, clear skinned, recently dyed-hair pastor's wife who announces to the crowd with her bleached white teeth that, "Gee willikers, people always ask me if I love my adopted baby here - isn't he cute - the same as I love my biological kids...and let me tell you, golly gee, that I absolutely love this adorable wubbie-tubbie cutie pie." And the audience all claps and smiles and sighs and thinks, "THAT is what adoption is."

And don't get me wrong - for some people THAT IS what adoption is like. But what about the rest of us?


Brian & Amy said...

I love your honesty. You make the rest of us who even mildly struggle feel normal and know that there are many shades of adoption.

love you!

The Roberts Six said...

I just saw you have our blog listed on your blog list. I've been reading your blog for about a year now. Just thought I'd say hi and let you know what an inspiration you are to me. You're doing a great job, keep it up!

Meliski said...

Love this. I am going to do a version of this that applies to our family. Of course, we adopted a 15 month old girl, so she falls smack dab into the "baby" category; which actually makes my struggling to love her to the same degree as my biological 2 year old even more horrible and taboo. Sigh. What about us?

Carey said...

What board? I could use some brutally honest discussion.

Traci Weldie said...

Candace...welcome! I have enjoyed following your blog and look forward to more!

Carey...I am part of an adoption board for Ethiopian Adoptions through CWA. It has been an amazing blessing in my life. Eamil me your name and email and I will see how to get you the information to join!