Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hot or Cold

These days, George is either hot or cold.
He is either stomping off to his room, blabbering something about running away and hating us....
he is curled up by my side, stroking my face, telling me how much he loves me.
There is very little in between.
There is very little normalcy.
I am trying this new method of parenting George. He is no longer getting attention when he misbehaves. And I am trying to remember to lavish him with love when he IS behaving.

But, the struggle is in my heart. Because when he is blabbering about hating me and wanting to run away, I take those words deep into my heart and I don't want to let them go. So, when he cuddles up to me, I almost despise his love because I don't feel it is real.

This is the reality of my life with an adopted child who is broken, fragile, and so deeply hurting. He cried to me the other day that he can't remember anything about his Africa Daddy. That made him so sad.

I laid on the couch about 3:30am this morning (some sick kids) and prayed that God would continue what he has started in George's heart: HEALING. Sometimes, I am angry at how long it is taking....other times I am convicted that I am not doing enough in the healing process....and yet other times I recognize how far we have all come. But, this boy needs HEALING. He needs to know the LOVE that never fails.

I read of a friend of mine back in Milwaukee who suddenly found herself on the news and in the papers. Her adopted daughter from Ethiopia ran away because she was angry about being punished. Oh, how I know exactly what that is like! Oh, how I fear the day George DOES walk out the door in his anger and we find ourselves working with the police to find him. Oh, how I fear the day he hurts someone or makes a really bad decision. It COULD happen.

All the love and stability and forgiveness and comfort and food and shelter we provide COULD lead up to NOTHING. I know a BATTLE rages in George's soul! I see it...every day. This child is so torn between good and evil. Evil has won so many times in his short life that he feels more comfortable with that side. We are fighting hard to pull him to the good side. Some days, I am tired of fighting.

Russell Moore just wrote a blog piece saying :DON'T ADOPT! He is right. ALL of us are not called to adopt because this is a HARD, HARD road. I don't understand why God CHOSE our road to be so difficult. He also blessed us with Anna, whose road has been lined with tulips and butterflies (comparatively speaking!). So, I know adoption CAN be so wonderful. Why did God ask Joe and I to take such a HARD road?

If you know the answer, can you tell me?

In the meantime, I muddle through each day, wondering which George I will have any given minute.

1 comment:

Brian & Amy said...

Love you so very very much. Appreciate your honesty!!!

Still savoring a phrase I read last week:

don't adopt because you are into adopting, adopt because you are into parenting.

You are in the thick of it. Love you!!!