Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Can't Seem to Be The Grown-Up

I admit it....I am selfish and can be a total brat sometimes. I think of myself all the time. I hide chocolate from the kids...well, maybe that isn't so bad?

Seriously, I am still - yes, still struggling with my feelings and love toward George. I can say that I truly love him now...but most days it sure doesn't FEEL like love. It feels like TOLERANCE.

I tolerate his whining and his ever present bad attitude. I tolerate his wetting the bed every single night. I tolerate his defiance about every small issue. I tolerate his selfishness when it comes to food and things.

And some days...in all honesty...I don't even tolerate. I get angry and frustrated.

Is two and a half years long enough?

Obviously, it isn't with George.

We had a heart to heart talk last night. It started in anger because he lied...AGAIN. He lies all the time. He also has decided that his role in our family is to boss everyone else around...with lies. He went outside and told Lincoln and Anna that it was time to come in and go to bed. It was 6:30 and they had just gone outside from dinner. They were clearly upset...with me...and came in crying.

They told me what George said. George stood inches from my face screaming, "I did not say that!" I asked Harry to verify and he said that yes, George went outside and told the little ones they had to come in and go to bed.

I told George I would not put with up lying and that he is getting into a bad habit of lying to me.

He stormed up the stairs, screaming, "I'm a liar and you hate liars so you should just get rid of me."

After he settled down, I went into his room to talk to him. And then...it came out....he hurts everyone around him because he doesn't want to be hurt. He told me that if he is the "bad guy", then he won't get hurt.

I asked him how that is working for him?

Not so well. We are ALL angry at him. We are ALL frustrated with him.

There are days and moments where George is a sweet boy who laughs with us and is kind. But the mean, selfish boy is what dominates his character most days. And instead of being the grown-up, who understands the incredibly hard life from which he came, I pout and cry and have pity parties. I cry out to God shouting, "I am SO SICK OF THIS!" I still wonder WHY God chose George for me....

I don't know how to break the bad character that so desperately clings to George's soul. I don't know how to convince him that being the "bad guy" is not going to do any good in our family. But, George is dead set on hurting others before we hurt him.

How do we change this?

Only through the LOVE of GOD. Before we adopted George, I did not know the love of God. I did not know about the LOVE that transforms and encompasses and heals. I know God is asking me to be that LOVE to George...and I FAIL time and time again! Oh, Lord, forgive my weaknesses and my inablity to LOVE the way You do! Teach me to LOVE George all over again. Teach me to FORGIVE and to EMBRACE George with a healing LOVE.

It's the ONLY WAY.

1 comment:

Brian & Amy said...

Hang in! Hang in!!! You are being used of God in a most painful, all encompassing way. It cost Jesus EVERYTHING...and it will you too. I pray for Him to be your strength and your joy. I think of the verse I just read yesterday in Hebrews 12, "He was willing to die a shameful death on the cross because of the JOY He knew would be His afterward..."

You may have to spend your life loving George...and then some. He may get it, he may not. But you will be so greatly enriched along the path...God loves YOU for obeying Him and trusting Him in this most difficult path He has chosen for you.

Love you!!!