Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Hope


I am not even sure where to start. It didn't help that my computer was in the computer-hospital for two weeks (and I am finding that I have forgotten how to type! I keep wanting to use only my thumbs.) Maybe it was a good thing not to report how hard each and every day has been? Maybe God wanted me to spend more time in quiet prayer with HIM than sitting at the computer telling you all about it? So much has happened over the past two weeks that I can't even begin to share everything.

I can tell you that Thursday, I had it! I had spent hours on my knees crying out to God. I was angry at Him and kept saying, "With ONE WORD you could heal him! With ONE WORD you could bring healing to this boy's heart and he might stop hating me! So, why won't you do that?" Joe and I had to come to a place of accepting the worst case scenario, which is the next ten years of heartache and pain and strife, to then see George off on his 18th birthday and he leaves never looking back. We decided, we could accept that.

But, we are HOPEFUL that won't happen! Even in the midst of hateful words being leveled at me in particular for hours upon end, I still have HOPE. Maybe I am crazy? God has blessed us with glimpses of a "normal" life every now and then. And George has had moments of showing love toward me.

The bottom line is that God is continuing to teach me about LOVE. It is so easy to say "I love you", but I have learned how to say "I love you" to someone who has been the most un-loveable for over a month. No awards for me, please - it is a struggle against my flesh every day. I want to with-hold my love. I want to scream in his face that he doesn't deserve my love. I want to love those who love me and then show him what he is missing.

And God...AGAIN....says, "Traci, this is how my children treat me every day." And I get another glimpse into the heart of God who loves lavishly on children who misuse His name, don't trust in His plan, want to go it their own way, dig in their heels and say "not know God!". And, I am here to humbly admit that I AM GEORGE. Despite all my scripture quoting and pithy prayers, in my heart I often say, "I am tired of you plan, so why don't you just leave me alone for a while. I am sure I can do this better on my own!" And I see how hard it is for George to trust me, when I often find it hard to trust God!

Hope. I have hope because of ONE THING...God is in this with us. I have been asking George lately if God makes mistakes. When George answers, "no", I reply with, "Well, then He didn't make a mistake when He decided we needed to be a family." Joe and I often talk about the hope of a future. Sometimes we don't think the hope for a future is for us, maybe it is for our children who are watching every move we make? Either way, we know our purpose here is to bring glory to God! Harry asked me, "How can God get any glory if George never changes?" I didn't know the answer to that, but I am trusting that God will let me know someday.

2 comments:

denise said...

traci, thanks for the post. even if george doesn't change, you are changing, and that brings God much glory. praying for you and your family!

Amy @ Literacy Launchpad said...

God is being glorified through what YOU'RE doing every day! You're amazing! Keep the faith! Never lose hope! All things are possible with God!! HUGS!