Friday, February 11, 2011

Where Is The Love?


Let me tell you how my life has been playing out over the past few weeks.

George hates me. Well, I am sure he doesn't, but that is all he shows me these days. Disdain and hatred. And when he is done being hateful toward me, he wants me to snuggle up with him on the couch, or hug and kiss him goodnight. And I don't want to.

This is the ugly side of adopting an older child. The ugliness of a child who has no idea how to love, and a mom who resents that child for not knowing how to love. It is a vicious cycle.

George acts like he is owed everything. Moms are here to serve and not to guide. Moms don't tell boys how to act or what they can or cannot do. Moms make food and clean clothes. And George thinks he should be given whatever he wants. And he believes he deserves everything he wants.

We are going on two years of this merry-go-round. You know what a merry-go-round is like. You think, "Oh, this is going to be fun! I am going to chose the best horse." And then you get on and it's is fun...the first time around. And then it keeps going and the annoying music keeps droning on and you see the same faces at each interval every time you make that exact same circle. Over and over again until you are nauseous and can't WAIT to get OFF!

That's me right now. I just want off the merry-go-round. I want to get on another ride...WITH George! I don't want him out of my life...but I long for this behavior to be out of my life. And believe me...it goes both ways. I am faced...everyday...with someone who is hard to love. And I mean really, really hard to love.

So, this morning, George is cracking his knuckles and he is picking at a bad nail. I have asked him nicely over and over and over and over again not to do either of these things. "George, sweetie, your nail will never heal if you keep picking at it."

"How do YOU know?" He asks with hatred in his voice.

"Buddy, it's not good for your hands to always be cracking your knuckles."

"You don't know anything!" He states with disdain in his eyes.

"You know, I have been asking you to stop doing these things now for how long?"

"A LONG TIME!" He screams at me.

So, I try to tell him that a Momma's job is to guide her son. I try to tell him that if I didn't care, I wouldn't be going over these things with him. I tell him that a mom who loves her son will always be leading and directing him. I ask, "Are you listening to me?"

"I can't listen to you." And then the blank stare comes over his face and he sets his eyes on some imaginary scene in the distance. And I lose him, again.

Earlier this week, I took all five kids to the store to buy then all new tennis shoes. Being on a budget, and having a big family, I give the kids several choices of shoes. We simply can not purchase the most expensive shoes in the store. And four out of the five totally get that, and they don't complain and they don't even ask for more. Not George. I give him his selections and he pouts. He won't even chose. He keeps going over to the Spiderman shoes - you know those over the top, gaudy-as-can-be shoes that are bright red and black and have flashing lights everywhere and stripped laces and probably even make a noise as you walk. I have never gone for those shoes...and of course, that is what George is drawn to.

"You never let me get what I want. You always make me chose from stupid shoes. I don't even want new shoes. I will wait til I am 18 and have my own money."

Fine. I take his shoes back and leave the store with only 4 new pairs of shoes.

We get in the car and George starts screaming, "You are a bad mom! You are so mean to me. I am going to call police and hope they take you away. Bad mom!"

And then this morning, I read "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

And this is where we stopped this morning. And these words have been like a banging gong in my mind....what is the point of only loving those who are easy to love? Christ is commanding me here - not suggesting, not saying "Traci, if you feel like it, why don't you TRY to be perfect."

No, Christ is commanding BE PERFECT. This is not perfection in my every day activities...but perfect in love. Loving the way Christ has taught us to love. This love is always forgiving, always turning the other cheek, always choosing to love my enemy. And I hate to say it, but some days George is truly my enemy. He hurts my heart so much and I wonder will we ever get to a place where he trusts me and loves me? I have to be OK with the answer that it may never get to that place. Wow. Can I really say that I will love him even if he never loves me in return?

I want to be able to say that. And I know that Christ is asking me to do just that. But it is so hard! I let God come into my life and turn everything upside down. And God is still doing just that. Some days I scream up to the heavens and say, "ENOUGH!" But then, I calm down and realize that God is doing major heart-work in my life. He has taken a selfish, prideful woman and is making her into a woman who simply loves.

Some days I wonder where is the love?

It is only in Christ. If I walk even a half-step away from Him..the source and author of love...I will fail. I have to stay so intimate with Christ that love is just oozing out of my pores. There is the love. The love that never fails.

5 comments:

breathedeeply.org said...

Traci, my son said to me recently, "Mom, I meant what I said to Dad. I wanted to hurt him."

"OK," I quietly answered. "Why?"

"Because sometimes it hurts so much that just I want someone else to feel that kind of pain. I want someone to understand how much it hurts, because it's just too hard to be alone in the pain."

Wow. What an understanding. What a humbling "mom moment".

Maybe sometimes that's how George feels too. Maybe he needs to know that you will love him no matter what -- no matter how "bad" he is or how much he hurts you, no matter what life throws your way or what unexpectedly changes -- no matter what, for good and for always.

I'm praying for all of you, Traci. Keep holding on tight to the hem of Jesus' robe. He's in this every minute of every day and He has a purpose and a plan -- and His plans never fail.

Love You, my friend,

Cindee

breathedeeply.org said...

Traci, my son said to me recently, "Mom, I meant what I said to Dad. I wanted to hurt him."

"OK," I quietly answered. "Why?"

"Because sometimes it hurts so much that just I want someone else to feel that kind of pain. I want someone to understand how much it hurts, because it's just too hard to be alone in the pain."

Wow. What an understanding. What a humbling "mom moment".

Maybe sometimes that's how George feels too. Maybe he needs to know that you will love him no matter what -- no matter how "bad" he is or how much he hurts you, no matter what life throws your way or what unexpectedly changes -- no matter what, for good and for always.

I'm praying for all of you, Traci. Keep holding on tight to the hem of Jesus' robe. He's in this every minute of every day and He has a purpose and a plan -- and His plans never fail.

Love You, my friend,

Cindee

Traci Weldie said...

Wow! It is a gift that your son was able to articulate that...and a gift to me, as well. You are right, I am sure George is experiencing a combination of wanting to test me, making sure I will stick by him, and trying to heal from years of pain.

Hanging on to the hem...

Love you too!

Ann Marie said...

Traci,

So sorry you are going through this. You have been on a long journey and I know you are weary. Lean into Him. He can heal what you and I can't. I don't have any magic words or wisdom. Just prayers and love.

Bear Creek Mama said...

Praying with and for you sweet Sister. Oh, this path is a such a hard road...Keep your eyes right where you have them, on the one that heals and the one that softens hard hearts and makes them new again. Yes, and that hem...a good place to hang!
Blessings,
Leslee