Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm Angry at God

I'm angry and in need of encouragement today. I actually started getting really angry last night - or maybe even the night before. Some of my kids have even told me they are angry at God right now. Why?

George.

We are watching a baby for a friend of mine this week. He is an adorable, chubby cheeked one year old. He walks around babbling, waving and smiling. He cuddles up easily and he makes us all laugh with his adorable antics.

It is so easy to fall in love with him. He calls me "Mommy" and Joe "Daddy". When he fusses and I pick him up, he settles down and is happy to see me. And as I have been feeding him his night time bottle, we enjoy a few moments of quiet time.

Joe and I said, "Imagine if we would have adopted a baby..."

We couldn't even finish the thought....it is way too painful to go there.

Eleanor looked at me yesterday and said, "What if you would have decided to adopt a baby instead of...."

She didn't finish...it is way too painful to go there.

So, I screamed into my pillow last night - so furious at God. Why? Why did you lead us to this? Why did you not say, "Go get a baby."??? Why did you lead us on this very painful, still very hard path. I am TIRED of being on this path! I am TIRED of the rude, grumpy, scowling, temper-tantrum throwing, mean boy!

And just because I haven't written about it for a while, does not mean that boy is not here - he still is! Every day, every stinkin' day, I still deal with the rude, grumpy, scowling, temper-tantrum trowing mean boy.

He said to me yesterday, "I have no friends."

I can guess why.

It is difficult - oh so difficult, to love George. I hate that I am saying this. I had reached a place where I was accepting my lot - choosing to ONLY focus on the positive - but then this adorable baby came into our home for a week - someone SO EASY to love - and it was so obvious how hard this journey with George is.

I hate that I am saying this! I want George to smile, cuddle up, to accept the word no without throwing a massive fit. I want George to just be nice to us.

And I know all the words that will come from the "adoption experts". I will hear that adopting a baby is hard, too. Babies have their own issues. All I have to say is come talk to me when you adopt an older child. I'll trust you - but you need to trust me that this is dirty and hard! Maybe my honesty is too much for some people...

So, God...can you start showing up here? Can you transform my heart so I feel no more pain and only feel love toward George? Can you please make me erase from my memory bank all the times George has rejected me?

There has been good this week - now that I am settling down I can see. George loves this little boy so much. He is loving and gentle toward him and so, so excited to see him each day! He keeps asking me if we can bring more babies home so he can love them. Our family is seeing that we really CAN be a Safe Family - thank you God for that lesson.

I need a heart transplant...and I need just need to know that in the end, this will all have been worth it.

4 comments:

Jamie said...

Your honesty is so honest and I love this about you! May god bless you with comfort and peace... may your calling be illuminated with purpose that speaks clarity. Amen.
Love,
J

ESolgos said...

God does not allow anything into your life that He does not have a plan to redeem. Trust in Him, Hang onto Him. He is doing a new thing. I pray that you can feel this hope in a tangible way today. Thank you for choosing to love George even though it is so hard. Jesus is proud of you, Traci!

V said...

How you are feeling is completely NORMAL!! This is the lot that comes with adopting an older child...BUT, I have seen it over and over: it does change, it does get better, they do eventually begin to trust and love and heal...and you will too. Hang in there, praying for you.

milreb said...

Jamie said what I would say only better. I second her prayer. Along the dusty road, pilgrim's progress is sometimes most difficult for the pilgrim to see. I pray there is a refreshing cup of water at the next stop!