Thursday, May 27, 2010

It's Me...Not Him

As I laid in bed this morning, wrestling with God over having to get up and "be nice" to George, God spoke to me. You see, yet again, George was mean to me at night...again. I think this has become some sort of power game or manipulation. I think he is now figuring how how mean he can be to mom and will mom still love me in the morning. Last night, I was furious. I screamed at Joe to make George stop. Joe just laughed at me and said, "Go to bed." Joe then also reminded me that George is a child...a troubled child who came from a very hard place...a place that my mind can't even imagine. He's just a scared child figuring this out.

And then I thought of how these past few posts could be scaring mommas out there who are in the process of adopting. I am so sorry if my words have been discouraging...sometimes I need to work out my feelings and emotions on the world wide web :) Eventually, God breaks through my thoughts and brings me back to truth.

So, this morning, as I was still angry at George, God broke through and said, "He's a child. You are the parent. And I have called you to this. Now get up and do it."

I found George, hugged him and said, "I love you. I want you to know that no matter how mean you are to me each night, I will still love you each morning. And each day, I will pray for you and will look forward to enjoying the day with you. If you want to be mean every night, I will still love you."

He asked me, "Does it hurt your heart when I am mean?"

I replied, "Yes. Very much."

He said, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

I paused and then said, "George, you have said that every morning for the past week. And every night you are still incredibly mean to me. Please don't just say the words...I want you to think about this tonight when you are ready to be mean again."

We'll try again tonight. And until then, I am praying for my boy and working on how I can earn his trust.


Amy said...

Thanks for this note, hope you do not feel like you should hide your true feelings for my or anyone else's sake. I think it is incredibly important for us pre-adoptive parents to hear the good and the not so perfect view on adoption. I am all about being real especially amongst us mama's, women, and christians. I know there is so much more to raising adoptive children but seriously a lot that you say is so similar to raising a highly hormonal teen too!!! THE PUSH - PULL is never easy! Guess God will use whoever he needs to, to teach us what he needs to teach us!!! I would like to say "I am ready! Bring it on.. but instead I will just say.. "Bring it on .. I'm ready to learn and grow."

Ann Marie said...

Maybe he is beginning to love you. Really love you...and trust you. And his heart and every fiber of his being is resisting that. Because last time his heart got broken and his world was why risk that again. "If I am mean to mom she won't love me and then it will be easier for me not to love her. Then when it all falls apart I will not have a broken heart."