Monday, May 24, 2010

Discouraging

Things are getting very discouraging on the adoption board I am a member of. Many of my friends who have adopted older kids from Ethiopia are hurting. Deeply and profoundly hurting. I read of their trials and their struggles and I simply weep. And then I look at the toll this adoption has taken of my family and I weep some more.

In no way has this journey been easy. I have written a lot lately about the challenges and the level of frustration among all of us. What we are experiencing in our little world is different than what the experts have talked about. And these mommas who are walking an even harder path than I are crying out for help.

Our children were not put into orphanages as infants. Our children were given love and nurturing as babies. Our children have living relatives in Ethiopia they know and remember. Our children have good memories of life before coming to America. And many of them were told of the wonderful, easy life they would have here. When reality sets in, these children are angry. Very, very angry.

George has decided it is time to go to Disney World. I have no idea where he heard about Disney World, but he is adamant that we go...like tomorrow...and when we say we can't, he stomps off to his room and slams the door.

I read the stories of these mommas and I feel two things: I feel gratitude that things are not THAT bad here. One mom even wrote, "I think if kids are adopted before they turn, say 7 or 8, they can push the re-start button and begin a new life." Many of the moms who are struggling have adopted tweens or teenagers. The next thing I feel is anger toward Ethiopia. This is a culture where kids grew up never being told "no". Imagine how challenging that is for the kids coming to live here - and also US! Just last night, I got what has become a regular response from George at bedtime. I was reading books to George and Lincoln when George decided he didn't want to listen. I gave him a choice, sit down on the couch and finish the book or go on to bed. He chose to go to bed - and once in bed, he throws the covers over his head and says, "No hug for Momma."

Can I just tell you how sick I am of seeing this re-enacted night after night after night? How many times do we have to go through this routine...George gets mad at mom, refuses to say good-night, wakes up the next morning and acts like nothing ever happened. This morning, I tried to talk to him about it...and so he proceeds to take his writing for the month of May and throw it in the trashcan. That was after looking me in the eye and starting to tear up his writing. He knows I love to read his month of writing...and we usually sit at the dinner table and share it with Dad after I look at it. He decided to take that away from us this month.

I know I am ranting this morning. After George did that this morning, I cried and I asked God, "How much longer?" I seriously wonder how much longer I can continue this way. I am still being asked to love, forgive, love, forgive, love, forgive....and I am growing weary.

And then I go to the place where I usually get a lot of support, and read story after story of mommas who are hurting much worse than I am. It's a little discouraging these days.

Again, I am reminded that God never promised this would be easy. But, He did ask me to walk this path....will you pray for me?

3 comments:

Jamie said...

Praying for you, George and the family.

Brooke said...

Yep, I'll be praying for sure. Hang in there, Traci.

milreb said...

Praying with you Weldies.