Tuesday, March 2, 2010

True Mourning

Yesterday, I saw George truly mourning...all day.

It started early in the morning. Something mean was said to George and he suddenly panicked. "Don't send me back to Africa!", he cried.

Of course, there is never a thought in our mind about this, but obviously, George has yet to truly understand this. He cried. Tears left salty white streaks down his chocolate brown cheeks. For the first time, I heard a guttural cry that comes from deep within.

Later that day, he got a letter from a friend from his orphanage. At first he smiled and he asked me a lot of questions: "Does T have a home?", "Did T leave Africa?", "Does T have a nice mommy and daddy?", and finally, "Can we drive to T's house?" Then, the mourning started again. George quietly snuck to his room, laid down down on his bed and mourned. Joe later asked me what I thought made him cry so much. I think he just misses his friend. I think he remember mornings of playing together in the warm sun, where there was a significant amount of freedom, and he simply missed that.

Finally, as we celebrated Isabel's birthday, the kids started asking questions about what they were like as babies and what they were like inside Momma's belly. For some reason, my kids LOVE to hear how they were so different, even while I was pregnant. I knew George was sitting right there and I knew this would be challenging for him, but I didn't want to squelch a wonderful conversation the whole family was having. So, I sensitively (and shortly) described each one of the kids and what they did in my belly. George put his head down and huge tears again streamed down his face. Eleanor noticed and quietly said, "Oh, Momma. George is really hurting." I rubbed his back and told him about how we chose him, how we flew across the world to bring him to our family. He looked up and said, "But, I want to be your baby."

Oh, how my heart aches. I DO wish I had George as a baby. He would know love and security and I would know him intimately. I know I have written this a lot lately, but this is what we are living with every day right now. I read all about how an adoptive parent will need to "regress" a child to a baby state, giving them things they missed. But George was different. I think he was loved by a mom, he was not in an institution at a young age. So, he resisted my touch and my love.

Now, he sees. And he wants THIS momma to be HIS momma. So, he wants to be cuddled, hugged, held, carried...and loved. I see this broken heart longing for healing. The fierce, fighting George is breaking down...he is letting down his guard. He is learning to trust us and to not fight us so much.

Oh, Georgie.


ChickenUnderground said...

Hi Traci! Just wanted to let you know I miss keeping up with you on Facebook! Hope you are well!
Amy Wilson

Brooke said...

Wow, love this! What great progress he has made!! It just shows how much love is in your home!