Friday, February 19, 2010

Photos

It's funny how I can go days without any words coming to my mind to write here...I hate those days because I long to come to these quiet spots in my day to write and process what I have been going through. But, over the last few weeks, I have been stretching to put something...anything down.

Now, I find myself anxious! I have so many things I want to say, words and sentences and paragraphs form in my head as I drive to Walmart, or as I lie in bed at 3:00am wide awake. I have yet to feel I have those sentences and paragraphs well thought out yet, so I hesitate to start.

So, while these complicated thoughts are wrestling in my mind, God has blessed me with two precious moments with George today (thank you, God!). First, I received a wonderful email from a new friend (isn't it funny how blog-world connects us?) to share how our two sons were friends in Soddo! It is always so wonderful to get these little glimpses into George's life before coming to us. The mom shared a few pictures of her son and when George got home from school, I asked him to join me at the computer. I showed him a picture of a handsome boy, smiling and playing in front of a wall I found very familiar, for George had stood in front of that exact wall posing for pictures for me.

George said, "I know him! His name is...uh...t..t...t..starts with t!" I told him his name and he leaped, "Yes! He was my friend." He smiled and giggled and said, "Can we drive to his house?"

A few minutes later, I decided to show George some adorable pictures of a little boy recently united with his forever family. I have always said that this little baby reminds me so much of Georgie. There is something about his eyes and his smile that look just like my son's eyes and smile. So, I said, "Hey George, look at this cute baby."

George paused, turned his head to one side, put a puzzling look on his face and then said, "That look like me, Momma! I think that is Georgie as a baby."

I had to tell George that this was not a picture of him, but that he can meet this baby soon. He was OK with that and happily skipped back into the living room to play with his brothers. I, sat back and thanked God for this little picture, this maybe-picture, of what my son looked like as a baby. If I would have known George then, I would have loved him so much that he would be totally secure today. If I would have known George then, he would not have gone through nearly the amount of suffering he has gone through. If I would have known George then, I would have already discovered what every cry meant, what he thought was funny and what touched his heart.

My heart grieves that I have missed out on 6 years of his life. I have such a history with my kids by the time they are six! With George, I am just now figuring things out, and I know I am just beginning to scratch the surface. Adoption is born out of loss. George's loss. George's mom and dad's loss. My loss. My family's loss. We ALL have experienced loss through this process. We all must mourn and grieve what we never had, or what will never be again.

But, only through something like adoption, where there is so much loss involved, can beauty rise from the ashes. We will continue on this journey because there is no other choice - I am like Peter when Jesus' teaching got hard! Many disciples turned and walked away and Jesus asks Peter, "What about you? Are you going to leave, too?" Peter replies, "Go where? Now that I know the truth, there is no other way to go."

I have been touched by God more intimately that I ever have in all my life. Now that I have felt this love, this faithfulness, there simply is no other way to live. So, I keep moving forward...sometimes simply putting one foot forward in a week, but still moving forward. And in that act of obediently moving forward, God gives me two special moments with Georgie today.

He IS a good God!

3 comments:

milreb said...

So glad you had some sweet moments with Mr. George this week. I hope George and Samuel and will be able to meet each other Sunday.

Bear Creek Mama said...

This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for putting to words feelings for me to <grin. Thanks for commenting on my blog for it reminded me to 'visit' you! Congratulations on George's birthday too! He IS a good God!
Blessings,
Leslee

Bear Creek Mama said...

Traci, I continue to think about these words and would to quote you on my blog....may I?