Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Being Gloriously Ruined

I have been gloriously ruined. Kay Warren used those words and I just can't get them out of my head; for that is what I have become.

I am not the same woman I was 10 years ago, let alone one year ago. As the decade ended a few weeks ago, I thought back to what I was doing in 1999. It was a bit painful to look back on that woman. In 1999, I had two children, Harry just a new born. I was consumed with working out and hanging out with my friends. My marriage was not good, but I didn't care because Joe kept me happy with lots of money. We were living in California, loving everything about that lifestyle...or so we thought. It really was an empty life. Those friends I would hang out with...none of them are in my life today. All those hours of working out....well, you can't tell today - ha! I was pretty selfish - and believe it or not, I was done having kids! I had my boy and my girl and that was that.

Then, Harry started having seizures. Major seizures. After two back to back seizures, each one lasting more than 30 minutes, I was told, "If you son wakes up, there is a high chance there will be brain damage."

Looking back, God was getting my attention...in a big way! He was shaking me out of my selfish life and saying, "Get it together! I have work for you to do!!"

It is a long story, but the bottom line was soon after that I told Joe I needed to leave California, and by the sheer grace of God he agreed and quit his job the next day. Our house sold in less than a month, we came back to the midwest and my husband became a Christian. He has an amazing conversion story, by the way!!!

Since then, God has had Joe and I on a track of refinement. So much of our character needed to be dealt with. The last ten years have found us studying, worshiping and following like no other decade. And at the end of that decade, He asked us to go even deeper in our faith; adoption.

Adoption has gloriously ruined me. Adoption has broken me beyond anything before, and at the same time it has pushed me closer to being the woman God wants me to be. Obviously, God is not done with me, because new areas of sin are coming to the forefront.

Life is hard for us; harder than ever before. No longer is our struggle about adoption or George. It is now that we literally have nothing. The irony is, when we were in Africa, we longed for a life of utter simplicity. Now we have it, and we are saying, "Wait! I don't think I really want this." God is still sanctifying His children.

My sin? Jealousy. The things that I love of this world were thrown in my face this past week. I spent hours at the mall. I visited the most beautiful home that I LONG to fill with children! I listen to women talk about how much they spent getting their hair done. And here I sit, an almost 40 year old woman who can't go get her hair cut, except for maybe at Great Clips, renting a house that is way too small, and stressfully walking through the mall telling her kids over and over again that we can't buy that or that or that.

All I have now...is God.

The adoption brought me to my knees. Now God is keeping me there. He is keeping both of us there. I hope that in 2011, I will look back on this year and say it was one of the greatest years of my life...a year that I learned what it meant to be fully surrendered to God. A year that I truly became gloriously ruined.


Alicia-Marie Christensen said...

I loved reading that book and I too loved the phrase of being gloriously ruined.

I love your heart and what God is doing in your life. As I read your blog more and more I'm beginning to see areas of your heart that touch areas of mine.

Thank you for sharing!

Kendra said...

I am bursting with happiness for you and the growth that has occured in your life. God is good! I love reading your blog and reconnecting with you as a friend. I'm so glad you are in my life again and I would love to see you and give you a big hug. I pray for you and your family on a regular basis. Love you.