Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Envy

I recently read a friend's blog...she adopted a few older children from Ethiopia and she has been someone I have appreciated watching, listening and following along this journey. She is ahead of me in the game, so I am trying to learn from her.

She recently wrote a blog post about her daughter blossoming. What a beautiful word to describe where her daughter is now. It was a challenging start, in some ways very similar to mine. But, now, she writes about her daughter being confident, having friends, doing well in school...all those things we want for our adopted children.

There is a twinge of envy...when will George get there? Or maybe I should say, when will I get there? When will the time come when I say, "Oh - I can't even remember a time in our family when George was not with us!" I am still not there. I DO remember times when we could all cuddle on the couches and watch a funny movie - or when we used to have birthday celebrations without someone crying in his room because he doesn't understand. I am beyond longing for those days, I have accepted this new normal, but I am still waiting for that point to come when we all give a huge sigh and say we are so happy for the decision we made.

Joe and I have talked a lot lately about our love for George. We love him; I have a momma's love for him - I want to know he is safe and he is happy. But, in all honesty, there are times in which I still am so frustrated with him. I know, I know, I know....it is all ME. I forget where George has been. I forget what George has seen. I forget the loss that George has experienced.

A new friend recently emailed me after reading my blog from May 2009. I went back and read that whole month of posts. Wow! I was hanging on by a thread those days. I wrote a blog about getting two hugs from George that day. I wrote about temper tantrums that would make even the strongest mom cry. I wrote about how George would cry and whine every morning looking for Joe. It made me very sad to read those posts.

But...it gave me such perspective! Praise God - we have come so far!!! There are not more monumental temper tantrums (just whines - which I hear is very, very common on ET children - and it is worse than the American child whine), George no longer only goes to Joe, and he eats a variety of foods (breakfast is still limited, but now it is Toaster Strudel and oatmeal). Those things I wrote about in May have all been answered by God's provision. He has seen us through those times.

I loved the post I wrote about the things I like about George. I want to do that again and I am positive some things would be the same, but I would be able to add quite a few new items to the list. Bottom line, I realized George IS BLOSSOMING too!

The key remains that I stay close to the Lord. God's love is so much greater, so much purer, so much higher, so much wider than my love. I am still in a place where I have to ask God to teach me how to love, but what I have learned is that I need to know about that love for ALL my children. We can't parent without God's love...period.

I got an email a few days ago from a new friend who is considering adoption. She asked how God could possibly be asking her to adopt when she feels like she is failing with her bio kids sometimes? God never said he was looking for perfect parents...He is looking for broken, vulnerable, needy parents who know they can't get through a day without HIM. We are to be child-like - knowing our need for God, knowing we need to rely on Him and that we just can't get through a day without His help.

So, I will continue to be broken in this parenting journey - and trust that God is loving my children to the fullest measure through me. I can't do it - that has been made clear this year - but He can. And He does! Amen and amen.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Thanks for being so real in your journey with George. We are beginning the process of adopting siblings from Ethiopia and I have come across your path several times in the last 3 months. I'd love to talk with you or converse in email if you'd have the time. God bless and Merry Christmas!