Thursday, September 24, 2009

Tests

If anyone struggles with pride, I suggest adopting an older child, preferable from a different country. Seriously, though. I have a pride issue. And for years (starting seriously a few years ago), I have begged God to take away my pride. And, when you ask God for something like that, He will surely answer you with a big fat, "Here you go!"

Oh, if I could just go back in time and un-do so many things that I have said, and so many attitudes I have had, and so many judgements I have made! It saddens me to think of how foolish I was, but I am happy that God has decided to stick with me and cause me to grow.

This has been the most humbling experience I have had. I can't do any of this in my own strength or in my own might. A few years ago, I would have cringed at even thinking this...today, it is a relief to admit that I am totally weak, that I make tons of mistakes, and that I seriously can't do this on my own. I need my husband, I need my kids, I need my friends...and most of all, I need a ROCK to lean on.

Our days are not that bad anymore, keeping life in perspective. George is doing so well in school, and he goes to Awana, and he handles discipline so much better! This past week, as George has exited the bus, he puts his head down and walks away from me. I would rush over to him, hug him and ask him what was wrong. I would hush my other children, who excitedly wanted to tell me about their days.

Today, Eleanor said, "Mom. He is fine. He is laughing on the bus, he is happy to see me. He is smiling when he sees you walk down the driveway. He's playing a game with you."

So that is exactly where we are right now in George's development. In the morning when we read our Bible, George suddenly sulks in the other room, waiting for his personal invitation to join us. When I say it is time for school, he hides in the garage until I come find him and urge him down the driveway. When he gets off the bus, he acts like something is really wrong until I check his backpack and look at his work first. At at night, when I say it is time for pajamas, he sobs in the closet until either Joe or I go in and say, "Enough! It's just pajama time."

I know this is all testing...but with 4 other kids testing me in their own ways, I am getting exhausted with these testings. After Eleanor confronted me about George this afternoon, I realized all the other ways he has been manipulating me to give him my first attentions.

So, how do I convince this child that he is so important to me, but there are lots of siblings that need mommy too? I am at a loss of what to do or how to handle him in these moments. My mommy gut is saying love him through this phase, for that is all it is. My selfish side says, tell him this is ridiculous and to grown up.

Am I the only woman out there who actually has these battles within her mind over many reactions toward her children during the day? I feel like I see all these other moms who calmly go through their days and always make the right decision. I would like to think I usually make the right decisions...it is just that it seems I have this discourse between my spiritual self and my fleshly self every single time. I really have to battle fatigue, hunger, and frustration, all the time - and my "self" who so desperately wants to do something for herself most of the time. Sometimes I feel like a woman on a lonely planet, the only one who has to crucify that ugly part of my mommi-ness every day.

Being a mom is all about being a servant. Being an adoptive mom is all about being a super-servant. Not that I am super, but that my serving needs to be super, above and beyond. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say as I come to the end of my post...this is one of those days. I just need to go pray, again, that I will love my son tomorrow morning when the sun comes up. God is faithful...He'll be sure to fill me up. Until then....goodnight.

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