Monday, September 28, 2009

More Grace, More Mercy, More Love

Sometimes it really stinks being so honest about how I feel. I definitely put myself out there, subject to judgements by people I don't even know. That is tough. So, I pray that there is no judgement when I share about the struggles going on in my heart.

I am conflicted in my heart. Here I am, an adoptive mom, and yet, I can't seem to have enough love, grace or mercy for George. He doesn't know that. I do a pretty good job of faking it still. So, that is one side of me. The other side is passionate about adoption and orphan care. My heart breaks for the orphans of the world and I cry as I see pages upon pages of pictures of waiting children. I can't seem to justify these polar sides of me right now.

I feel a bit of a hypocrite encouraging others to adopt, wanting to educate the church I attend, being a part of an adoption ministry. Do I deserve to be an advocate for adoption when I am finding this such a difficult road?

This weekend, I looked at Joe and I said, "I think we are losing our kids." Eleanor had just smashed an innocent caterpillar (very unlike her), Harry retreats to another room every chance he can get, Isabel is lying about lots of things, and Lincoln is picking up habits from George (like throwing things or hitting himself when he is mad). All of these things happened within a five minute span and both Joe and I lost it. And then I realized, they are so stressed from having George around, just like we are! We are all just at a point of saying, "Enough!" We are all exhausted of the tantrums and the whining. We get tired of day after day making concessions for George.

And before you think it...I KNOW this is wrong! I know we need to be full of sympathy, always understanding that we brought a boy, against his will, into a totally new family and lifestyle. OF COURSE he is going to struggle! I know these things, but the reality is that living it wears you down.

But, I have to keep going back to the fact that life is getting better! George is getting better...but we are all so tired right now. This is a marathon, and we have just run about 15 miles and we are worn out, our feet are sore, we need a drink of water and the thought of running another 9 miles seems daunting!

It in ONLY through the living water of God that we are able to wake up a new morning and celebrate the family we are now. Like I have said before, I am no longer mourning the loss of what used to be, but I think I have just moved into another stage of grief. Anger? Probably.

As Joe and I cleaned up from dinner last night, we talked about how we have to stop feeling so sorry for ourselves. What we need is more grace, more mercy, and definitely more love. Bottom line, we need more of Christ!

I know this is hard, but I know that every day it gets a little easier. And this difficult journey has not diminished my passion for an adoption ministry at my church. I long to see more orphans put into loving Christian homes where they can tangibly learn about the love of God...a God who meets all their needs and loves them enough to put them in a home. I know God does not want a world where there are orphans. His word is so clear about that...there really is no room for debate. So, why are there still so many orphans in the world?

So, I vacillate between just getting through the day and learning how to truly love the orphan God has chosen for me to raise, to wanting to educate and encourage thousands of people about the joy of adoption. Doesn't make sense. I think it is, yet again, one of those things can only be made true in God's economy.

Until then, I will pray for more grace, more mercy and more love...for all of us.

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