Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Mourning

I recently received a message from a fellow adoptive mom (thank you, K!) that mentioned something that rang true in my heart; something I had not wanted to admit before. But, here is goes. I am mourning.

I was prepared for George to go through mourning - all the books and courses and tests all teach about the adopted child going through a process of mourning the loss of culture, all things familiar and birth parents. There are tools in place to help the child talk about his feelings and help him move through the grieving process.

But, what about the momma? My mourning is over a loss; the loss of how things used to be. My life will never be the same. My bio children will never be the same. My marriage will never be the same. These changes are not necessarily all negative; in fact my marriage is much stronger because of what Joe and I have gone through together. But there is still a sadness of what used to be.

Even when George can speak fluent English and even when he grows comfortable with us, we will never be the same. We will still get stared at when we walk into a room, we will still have to explain to people why we adopted, when we adopted and how we adopted.

I am happy with George. He makes us laugh sometimes and we are amazed at how much he is communicating with us these days. I am happy that he is excited about going to school and it is so cute to watch him with our puppy. Things are generally good; they are tough, but they are good. Still, I can't shake the idea of what we used to be.

This is when I can only turn to the ONE who sustains me and who loves me. And as I write this, George walks in and gives his momma a big hug. Psalm 55 speaks to me:

"My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught
at the voice of the enemy,
at the stares of the wicked; (v2-3)
But I call to God,
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, mourning and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice. (v16-17)
Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall. (v22)
But as for me, I trust in You." (v23b)

God hears my cries and He sees my mourning. Yet, He called me to adoption and He called us specifically to adopt Georgebush from Ethiopia - in these things I am certain. I am also reminded that we have only been a family for 3 months! Three months and already I have a boy who comes to me when he needs a hug and a son who laughs as he jumps into a pool with his brothers and sisters. I have a son who adores his father and loves a puppy. We ARE "getting there", but our "getting there" will be a new normal. I can no longer go back to being a mom of four kids who look like me and have been loved by since since before birth; I can't go back.

I am throwing all my worries and doubts and fears on God because He can handle it! He will sustain me; He will hold me up, He will stand behind me and physically cradle me when I can no longer stand on my feet. He is whispering in my ear that it will all be OK...and so I trust Him.

2 comments:

mhomes said...

My prayers and thoughts are with you, dear friend!! God Bless You!

Lisa Alles said...

I feel the intensity yet realism of your words. This is what I meant on week one when I sat in your rec room in the basement on the floor with you while you looked shell shocked as George played alone in the corner. I said "You'll need to catch yourself from fantasizing about how things were. You must choose instead to fantasize in the other direction - for the future which will be beyond your imagination." It must be hard to mourn that loss and stop imagining who you WERE as a family - I would do the same thing. I suppose time will slowly help, and building new memories with George in them. But treasure what you had - no one can take those memories and that foundation you built with those children. You are still that same mom, they are still the same children - they still love you like crazy - and all the more so as they see you turn to Jesus during one of the hardest times of your life. Consider yourself modeling the Bible, proving it, to all of them. With His help, and as you lean hard upon every promise, He will lift you up and glorify Himself all at the same time. And isn't that more important than blonde hair and blue eyes and feeling comfortable. You have one life and you are doing hard and eternal things. I love you all and think of you all the time.