Monday, July 27, 2009

Struggling

I am struggling! I am really, really having a hard time. This past weekend, I have been so full of anger and disgust for George. I am ashamed to write it, but I have to continue being honest.

I am not sure what is going on, or what precipitated my feelings of anger, but Joe and I are simply saying we are experiencing another "two steps back". George is back to picking Joe over me - in everything! Of course, I have many children and I am used to my kids wanting to be with Joe over me. Let's say I am going to a musical and Joe is going fishing, it is natural that some will go with me and others will want to be with Joe. This is different. With George it is as if he is saying, "Mom, you can't do anything to please me. I only want to be with Dad."

Even this morning, after a good morning, after getting George his favorite breakfast, out of nowhere he announces, "George go to Dad's work. No stay with Mom."

And I can't tell you how tired I am of talking about bikes, cars and shoes! I think I might throw up if I have to have one more discussion about my car going to the car wash and maybe putting the bike in the car so we can go get some new shoes. It is hourly - if not minutely (if that is even a word!) that George says this. I have never cared about cars, bikes or shoes. Those three things have never, ever held any sort of allure in my mind. I could care less what kind of car I drive, I have an old bike that I occasionally use and my shoes are all old and worn. But to be forced to discuss these things over and over and over and over again is about to drive me crazy. Really. You may find me one day in a corner of the living room muttering, "buh, buh, buh."

Maybe that's an exaggeration. Ok, it IS an exaggeration. But I am seriously sick of it all right now.

I don't like this boy many days. He is loud. He teases the other kids relentlessly. He is stubborn and mean and so, so selfish.

But, every time I talk about his character, I am reminded that we have not raised this boy from infancy. In fact, I don't think he was raised by a parent at all! Maybe his parents were too sick to parent him. Maybe he truly was raised by the village. And because of that, he has learned skills that have kept him alive - mainly being selfish and looking out for numero uno. I can't blame George for being mean and selfish. It really is no fault of his own, and I get so upset with myself that I can't have more mercy and love toward him.

So, here I am again. I am so sick of finding myself here. It is crystal clear that I am not God. In fact, I am more like George than I would care to admit. I was at church last night and the pastor said one little sentence that pierced my heart. He said, "Isn't it wonderful how God loved us before our eyes were open to who He was?"

God loved me before I even knew who He was. He loved me even before I had any idea of His greatness, mercy and grace. He didn't start loving me when I started loving Him. NO! In fact, He loved me when I could offer nothing simply because I didn't even know Him. He loved. He loves. He will never stop loving me.

And, He is asking me to do the same. Keep loving George. Love him even though his eyes are not open to what love is. Love him even though his eyes are not open to the love of a mommy. Love him even though his eyes are not open to the mercy, forgiveness and grace of a family. Just love him.

Oh, Lord! You have given me such a huge task. Sometimes, I don't want this job! I was doing just fine before August 10, 2008 when you spoke to Joe and I and said there was a boy in Ethiopia who needed us. Or maybe, it was that I needed George. Thank you for George, that you have given me such a tangible picture of my selfishness and my greed and at the same time seeing how much YOU LOVE US! You have to do this. You have to pour so much love into me that it overflows into George because I just don't have enough in me to do this. I trust You. Please don't give up on me. Amen.

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