Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Loving On My Terms

One thing has become abundantly clear; I was a mom who loved on my terms. I thought I was this great mom, giving for and to my kids and loving them fiercely. But, they always had something to give me in return. There were conditions.

My sin, yet again, became clear to me tonight as I tucked George into bed. Joe is busy and he couldn't come downstairs to tuck George and Lincoln into bed with me, as he usually does. So, Joe said goodnight in a different way tonight. I know, I know...all the adoption psychologists would say we have to keep the same routine - forever (just kidding)! But, the reality was tonight that only Mom could tuck the little boys into bed.

So, as I lean down to give George our usual hug and kiss, he turns away and shouts, "No Momma! Daddy hug."

Fine. I go over the Lincoln's bed and sit at his bedside for a few minutes and pray over the boys, which is my usual routine. After several minutes George calls out, "Momma, hug."

But, I don't want to. George has just rejected me for no reason, other than the fact that he was angry that Joe was not there. And because of that anger, he rejects me! I hadn't done anything wrong - in fact, I was leaning in for a hug and a kiss. So now I don't want to give him a hug. I want him to know that he has hurt my feelings and I can't just be there every time he changes him mind and gives me a call.

Darn it! There is that totally selfish woman again! Is this sin ever going to be crucified? Is this ever going to stop being an issue in my parenting of George?

Yet again, I see how much I treat God the exact same way that George treats me. Thankfully, God's character is perfect because He has every right to say, "no hug for you tonight! You rejected me all day, why would I give you a hug now?" Instead, he longs for our embraces and sweet times together.

Every day my need to be transformed into the likeness of Christ stares me in the face. Every day, I see the worst of my sins. Every day, I fall on my knees at the end of the day and ask God to get me through this. And every day, in the morning, His mercies are renewed.

This IS getting better. It's just right now, I still have some work to do on my heart.

1 comment:

MzzLily said...

The song 'Great Is Thy Faithfulness' came into my mind. Thank you for the Bible lesson tonight. I shall ponder it as I pray.