Monday, June 8, 2009

When Does the Love Come?

We had a good weekend! It was a little hard because of the rain on Saturday, and we ended up in the ER with Lincoln, but things with George went well.

Isabel was diagnosed with ringworm on Friday and Lincoln got some sort of spider bite on Saturday that sent us to the ER. We surely had our fill of medical issues in a few days. Both are on the mend, but we are keeping a close watch over the two of them - and the rest of us are really nervous about the ringworm spreading.

Sunday, the sun came out and we spent some time going on a long walk and then feeding our neighbor horses some apples. Actually, all the kids wanted to feed the horses, but it ended up that mom did all the feeding! As soon as the horse would reach out for the apple and open his mouth and tickle the kids' hands, the kids would squeal and drop the apple. It is so much fun to be able to stand at a fence, call on some horses and watch them come. The man who owns the horses used to live in our house - and he is so great! He enjoyed teaching the girls all about his horses and then charged them with taking care of his friends. We are happy to do so!

I have decided that I need to do some research on our house and who used to live here. Apparently, most people in town know us already because of the house we are living in. We really do love it here. Last night, as the kids were all getting pjs on, Joe and I were outside by the garden and just sighed at the quiet and the peace of our new home. Who knows? Maybe we will decide to buy this house. If we do, we will have to add on right away, it's just a little too small on the rainy, cold days. What will February be like???

So, now to point of the title. I have been battling in my mind and heart this past week about when will I ever start feeling real, true love for George. I just hate that I write these things...I wish I was overwhelmed with love for George. I wish I would feel the same way toward George that I do my other children, but I have to be honest and say that love is just not there. I still feel like I am babysitting someone else's child. Even as I tuck George into bed and say, "Good night. I love you.", I feel a knot in my stomach because I just don't feel that love yet.

A friend said, "You fake it until you can make it." Meaning, it's OK to fake the love until I really feel it. But when will that come?

George's behavior improves daily. But he is still a spoiled little child who does not like being told no or watching his siblings get attention. He also thinks that every time we go to a store, he should be able to get something. He is relentless in his teasing of Lincoln and I am fed up with breaking up fights between the two little ones. I wish George would start acting his age, but I know that his temper-tantrum throwing and his selfishness are a result of his past and I get angry at myself for expecting more out of him.

This is where the roller coaster of emotions continues to exhaust me! I KNOW better, I did all the studying and preparing...but I just can't convince my heart to accept George just the way he is. Maybe I accept him, so that may not be the right word, but I just can't seem to love him.

I don't want to forget that things are getting better. We do have more language and we can communicate so much more now than we could 4 weeks ago. George sleeps well and eats well and is generally a very happy boy. This is hard work..the work of re-training a child. He has been trained through his culture to pout, cry, whine, and take off his clothes when he gets upset. Yesterday, we were playing basketball with the neighbor boys when Joe asked George to get off the court because he was about to get hurt. George was so upset that he screamed, walked off the court and proceeded to pull off his pants. Uggghh! "Hi neighbors! This is our son, who takes off his pants when we tell him no. Isn't that nice?"

Thankfully, Lincoln busted out laughing, which helped the boys laugh off the situation, but Joe and I just sigh and think, "You've got to be kidding me!" We have to re-train George to deal with, accept and handle the times we tell him to do something.

Re-training. That seems to be the perfect word. Then I pause and realize how much re-training I am going through in my walk. What does it really mean to look like Christ? To be like Christ? It is so easy to say, "I am a Christian.", but we sure don't look like one most times.

Well, the kids are all calling, I need to run. This post seems very disjointed and a bit rambling. Sometimes I just need to get some thoughts down.


Cory and Margaret said...

HUGS, Hugs and more HUGS!!! My DH and I have been spending a lot of time talking about how Love is a is not a feeling....for a long time with my DS, I kept waiting for this wave of unconditional love to come sweeping through my for my DS. It never happened. What did happen was that God showed me that I had to CHOOSE to love my DS just as he was...hard headed, strong-willed, bright and wonderful! It was then, at that point, that things got better. I was able to look at the situation a bit differently and it helped...we, too, had to re-train our DS!! Praying for you!!!

Kurt and Kayla said...

Don't try to force yourself to feel love for him. There is usually no magic moment where you are gushing love, it'll just come over time and no one knows when that will be. For me, love comes slowly but that's ok. I am committed and don't really care when "I feel it". Some days I know it's growing, other days I don't feel it at all. We have a lifetime to get there :)

MzzLily said...

I hear it coming now... There seems to be a calmer tone to your frustration. You already love him! Think of love as a verb meaning action rather than the emotion.