Monday, June 29, 2009

Not Today

Some days I just don't want to be an adoptive mother. Some days, it is as if the enemy is on full attack on my attitude and my stamina. I even started this morning in the Word - and still I don't feel like putting the work into being an adoptive mom today.

This is work. I am in a stage that I can't let anything go. I have to be constantly watching, listening and talking with and to George. Really, today, I simply want to sit my kids in front a good movie and take a few hours to myself.

Maybe this is because I just got off several days of single-parenting the kids. Maybe this is because I didn't really get a sabbath yesterday, as I spent half the day taking Eleanor to horse-camp. Maybe it is just "one of those days".

I am surprised at my emotions today, because yesterday Joe and I reflected on just how far George has come....and how far we have come. We used to be so scared at how angry we could get. For the first time in our marriage and in our parenting, we had to call each other off. Either Joe or I would get too angry at George and was becoming irrational. That was very scary for us. But now, language is coming and we can sort of talk to George about his behavior.

Last night, George sat with ME on the couch and let me rub his back as his eyelids grew heavier and heavier. Last night, I just watched George and could genuinely smile.

So, why the feelings today? This is a long journey, and I just think I am tired today. I am frustrated with many things, mainly not being able to get a babysitter for Joe and I to go to a Brewers game - sigh. Well, that's not the main thing, but it's just been a hard weekend and I think I need a good hour to myself and that just doesn't happen these days - I am not sure that will ever happen with 5 kids who all want to spend time with me and go with me every where I go.

That is what I really want...to have children who love being with their mother, but I just want to be alone today. I just don't want to be a mom today.

4 comments:

Bear Creek Mama said...

I can relate....these are the times I must remind myself that this is not really about me. Remember your higher calling dear sister and you will find your way and your heart!

ps. I was referred to this and have thought of you and your struggles - check it out it may be helpful for you: http://www.beyondconsequences.com/

The Morgan 4 said...

hey i am sorry you feel this way today. I am glad you did get an hour after dinner:) Thank you for your honesty. People need to be honest on adoption blogs because it helps those behind us. And, Traci you are going to have some serious wisdom that will be used for future adoptive parents!
You rock sister!
Love Casey

MzzLily said...

Beware of Satan... He puts those thoughts in your mind. You know how when your really walking the walk and then things start just coming at you? That's when Satan wants to break you. It's when the things don't come that you should worry!

You had a great time with George, your heart is softening, and then WHAM! Yep, it's Satan. He doesn't want you to love George. He doesn't want you to have peace and contentment.

Whenever I face this problem, as soon as I think about it that way, it gets easier. That's what happened to me this week... It seems like my asthma gets worse and stops me from sleeping on the weekend. I missed 2 Sundays in a row this time. But Saturday I saw it coming. I told Satan, forget it! If I'm not dead I'm going to church. I prayed for God to get me there and He did!

I'll keep praying for you.

Kurt and Kayla said...

It's ok to to tell your kids you need some quiet time alone and to be by yourself. I don't take the kids with me to the store because I need that time alone to be better when I return.