Monday, June 15, 2009

The Monster in Me

I have been afraid to write this post, but it has been keeping me up at night that I have not put words to some things I experience. There is an ugly monster who lives inside of me. She yells, she blames, she sometimes screams...all at the children in her house. The monster lies in wait, just ready to pounce on any opportunity where life gets hard around the Weldie house. And life was really hard this past week.

For all the progress we had been making with George, he seemed to take several steps back. George became someone who was very, very difficult to get along with. He calls the kids names, he often hits them, he even began spitting on the other kids. George would sit around and wait until he though no one was looking and he would push someone, or break something, or call someone a baby. And it was constant!

The kids were getting really tired of their brother acting this way for no apparent reason. I was getting so frustrated. While George was taking huge steps back in his behavior, I was foolishly reading posts on the adoption board and hearing moms talk about their new sons home who were so sweet and kind and just "smiled all the time".

I was so angry! I was really angry at God and asked him why THIS child? Why THIS family to do this incredibly hard work of re-training or re-programing this child? Did God really know what He was doing when He chose another little president to join our family? Again, I reached a breaking point.

Then, George said, "Mommy...stinky baby", which means "Mommy - you are a stinky baby." The monster was so ready to pounce. I yelled at George more than I have ever much that I scared my other children and they all ran to their rooms. I followed suit and ran to my room, shaking and crying. Not only was I angry at God and at George, I was angry at myself for letting that monster take control.

Soon after I noticed this book that had been staring at me for days. Anne Graham Lots has quickly become one of my favorite authors and one of her books was shouting, "Pick me up! Pick me up!" Looking over the table of contents I saw a chapter with the title, "I Need More of Jesus in My Home". Ah, God had something He wanted to speak to me.

I found a quiet moment on the front porch and began reading that chapter. I didn't have to go far before finding the simple phrase spoken by Jesus that explains why the monster was able to come out, "Abide in me.....". And I had to face the reality that I had not been abiding.

In my former life (before adoption), I could get away without "abiding" for several days, maybe even a week. I could float along on listening to Christian music and doing my casual prayers with the kids. I could live off the food of doing Bible study MOST days of the week, or maybe even a few days in the week on a very busy week. I could convince myself that I was a disciple of Christ by doing those things as it truly seemed to be enough to get me through.

But, in Africa, I was given a picture of what true community with Christ is like....and it is amazing! While Africa was so incredibly hard, I had never felt closer to my Lord and Savior. I learned how crucial it was to rely on God for every need for that day, I learned how to pray my way through a tough minute. And these prayers were so different than anything I had ever prayed before, I really thought I was not going to make it through the next minute. God blessed me with Christians being the hands and feet of Christ. I was changed.

I can't imagine the disappointment on my Father's face when I failed to abide once back in the US and things starting to improve. I did not chose to abide. I made choices to call friends, get on Facebook, or do work around the new house. I did not abide in the morning when I woke up and I didn't abide when I felt the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Oh, how easy it is to not abide!

Without abiding, I CAN NOT and WILL NOT be a mom that George deserves. The cold reality is that I have learned that I do not love my adopted child the same way I love my biological children...and I am so sad about that. But, when I abide, I let God love George the way George needs to be loved. God sees the George of 2 years from now and God sees the George of 20 years from now and there IS a reason that God placed George into the Weldie family. My charge is to love him.

I am learning that can only be done when I abide.


MzzLily said...

I so love your honesty. I had that same monster inside me when my daughter was young. It came from my parents and I had to fight really hard to conquer it! But I was honest with my daughter about it. I explained the cycle I was trying to break. She understood. I controlled it for the most part, but it was always there right under the surface. Until...

The monster is gone now thanks to Jesus. I too slip away from abiding. Don't we all? You need to place a bunch of plaster frogs around your new house. Everywhere your children play and fight you should see a frog. And when you see the frog be reminded... Fully Rely On God - FROG!

mhomes said...

I have that monster, too! How ashamed I am to admit it! Thanks for being willing to be vulnerable, Traci!!

P.S. MzzLily: I love the FROG!! I will have to remember that when I see the one in my rock garden!! Thanks!