Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Losing It

I lost is on Sunday afternoon. I screamed. I threw things. I destroyed a book. And then I fell onto my bed and waited. It came. George walked up and laid his head down next to mine and then asked for a hug. I held his hands and told him that he keeps hurting my heart. I don't know if he understood any of my words, but he knew.

I woke up Monday angry at God, again. Why did this child have be brought into my family? Why did God make it so clear that this child was to be ours? Why not a cute little baby? Why not a sweet little boy? I didn't even want to get out of bed, again. When is this roller coaster going to stop?

I start the day disciplining George. He responds. The day gets better.

By the time Joe comes home, he comments, "George seems really happy today." And he was.

As I tucked the little boys into bed, George motioned for momma to lay with George. He actually wanted me to snuggle with him in bed for a few minutes before drifting off to sleep.

There is hope. I know I keep saying that. But, I have to remind myself. I feel like a shell of myself most days. I am not the woman I was two months ago. Maybe that is a good thing? I am weak, vulnerable and lost...but there is a peace that surpasses all understanding.

A friend told me "ships are built in the safety of a harbor, but they are meant to go out to sea." That is my life. I was built in a safe place, but now God is asking me to really be Christ. He is asking me to lose it all, to sacrifice all I once held dear. He is asking me to pour and pour and pour into a child who doesn't love me yet. I am being tossed about on the ocean, but I was built in a safe harbor, so I know the ship is strong. I just need to ride out the storm.


MzzLily said...

Do you know that song, 'the anchor holds'? If not, you need to hear it. It's the perfect accessory for that strong ship.


Cory and Margaret said...

HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!! My heart just aches for you but at the same time I KNOW that it is going to be ok....with Christ ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!! Praise GOD for the little things...George comforting you, wanting to snuggle, the good days! They will get more frequent, and the harder days, less.

Patrick said...

We are built for hard things. Embrace it.

You are built for a difficult task. You have been specifically called to model what we all should be about in some form - ministering to the orphan. The Lord prepares us to shoulder burdens that most of our Christian brothers and sisters would rather ignore. Give yourself time to breathe - even if for a moment. It may get easier and it may not. The Lord will see you through it and He will use others to stand alongside you. I'm standing with you and praying for you now.