Wednesday, June 17, 2009

God...My Medicine

It is OK to be sad. It is OK to "lose it". It is OK to be brought to your knees. As I look back on the last few months of my life, I am a bit surprised by how many mornings I don't want to get out of bed. "Experts" would say that is a big sign of depression. I say it's a case of a tired mom who can't even begin to think what this day will bring.

In those moments of being sad or exhausted (even at 6am), I take my medicine. I pray. Each morning as I lie in my bed I have to cry out to God a very simple prayer, "Help me make it through this day." I don't feel any different, there is no magical rush of energy or optimism. I simply start to get out of bed.

Some days are better than others. Yesterday was a very good day. The kids played all day outside. Some good friends came over for a visit. Eleanor got plugged into a reading program at the library. We all went to a bubble-wonders show (which was very cool) and Harry almost caught a 20" pike (apparently that is very cool, but I am taking the words of the expert fishermen around here). There was only one big temper tantrum by George, and he responded well to the discipline.

Some days are worse than others. Last week George seemed to have taken huge steps backward in his behavior and every minute of the day he was testing my parenting. I lost it, I was sad, I was angry.

But, in those moments of feeling lost and sad and angry, I found out how much God is there for me. I heard him say, "It's OK to be lost and sad and brings you closer to me."

Today, in my Bible reading I read these words of encouragement: "When I said, "My foot is slipping, your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

God's love and consolation is my medicine these days. I am so grateful to serve a living God who sees me falter and lose it and then pours out just what I need to make it through the day.


MzzLily said...

And isn't it a divine plan to only give us just what we need and no more. We would probably run through it and be left dry! Yes, I'll take my daily portion please...

Kurt and Kayla said...

I can so relate to how you feel. Those first 4 months home, I felt the same way. I couldn't believe all the "ugliness" that came out of myself. I promise it is normal when dealing with a difficult change. It DOES get much better- not perfect, but better.

Anonymous said...

Your posts mean so much. Thank you for writing truths, other adoptive parents need to prepare themselves to stay saturated in Gods presence! I find it amazing because I am ugly so ugly on the inside, yet everyday God has complete faith in me. You are being prepared. Can't wait to see your testimony! Bless you and bless this wonderful lesson/boy who has come soooo far! It will get easier if you can put him in a school program even if just half a day. It will be better for him and you. And then your time together will have more quality and less quantity!! Hugs, Tammy, mom to a lesson/boy as well!!