Sunday, May 17, 2009

What Am I? Chopped Liver??

I can't even begin to explain the emotional roller coaster I am on! And frankly, I am ready to get off this ride. The ups and downs are starting to wear me down and I turn to this blog to help me sort through all my conflicting experiences and emotions.

I once wondered why no one who had these smooth, wonderful adoption experiences would blog? I wondered why is was those who are struggling would share their stories. I think I know why - we simply need a place to vent.

I am struggling to love. Which is so ironic because Saturday morning I told Joe, "I now see a boy who wants to be loved, and who wants to love in return." Only one day later, I sat in church growing angrier and angrier by the minute as George was next to me, with his back turned completely on me so he wouldn't have to see me. Yes, it has been that kind of weekend.

George and I had made such progress this week! I got lots of hugs on Friday, and as George was getting ready for bed, we made significant eye contact and he smiled. I think that was the first time since we picked him up that he let his eyes gaze into mine for more than a split second. I realized that action of staring into each other's eyes is something I have done so much with my bio kids! Think of those first few months, as a new momma I would stare at my babies for hours sometimes and when they would start opening their eyes and see me, ah! And then....when that first eye contact was made where the baby recognizes the eyes looking back as Momma's - well, my heart would melt. I haven't had that in any way with George.

I am, in fact, chopped liver. As soon as George wakes up and finds Joe still in the house, it is as if I don't exist anymore. This morning, I made George some toast. I tried to hand it to him and I got that all too familiar finger wag and disgusted look. But, Joe picks up the plate and hands it to Joe and he takes it with a smile and says, "Thank you Daddy."

I am trying and trying and trying not to take these types of this personally, but after dozens of this same experience replaying day after day, I am wearing down a bit. This is the ugly, selfish side of me. I don't like it and I hate admitting it. In fact, God is tugging on my heart to confess lots of ugliness that this adoption has brought to light. Remind me later, and I will share the big sin area of my life that I have had to come fact to face with. But, that's not what this post is about.

This post is my chance to feel sorry for myself and ask everyone I know to join in my pity-party. Ok - that was a joke. Even as I write these things, I hear the Holy Spirit gently ministering to me and reminding me of the truth I know. God will see me through. God is carrying me, even if I think I am doing this on my own. God is faithful!

This morning, I read the following from Psalm 85. "Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs forth from the earth and righteousness looks down from heaven. The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield it's harvest. Righteousness goes before him and prepares the way for his steps." What is righteousness? Being made right in the eyes of the Lord. My very simple prayer for over 6 years has been, "Lord, make me righteous!" I have begged that God would do a work in me because I long to hear Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Maybe God is working on my righteousness right now? Ok, strike the maybe from that sentence. God is making me right. It is painful, but it is not impossible. It is challenging, but it is not impossible. It is hard, but it is not impossible. If I want to be found right, I can't stay the way I was! I am realizing how selfish I have been, as a parent especially. I am learning what it really means to put God first in my heart! Oh, it has been so easy to say I was, but the truth is that I had been putting my children first. It is so easy to do when my life was consumed with being a mom. But I really didn't understand what it meant to put God first in my life - to trust him totally, to rely on him for everything.

I read the next Psalm and found this gem: "Teach me your ways, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart that I may fear your name." An undivided heart. A heart that serves no other master, seeks no other. I had a divided heart - part of me was seeking the Lord, but the other part of me was getting filled by the love of my children. While this seems OK - it simply is not God's plan for my life. He wants all of me, a heart that seeks no other before Him. Surely, He will bless the undivided heart with relationships that bring joy and good, but first I must be singly focused on God. It doesn't work the other way around, and I think that is what I had been doing for years.

So, I have no idea what my life will look like a year from now. I think back to what I was doing one year ago today and things are drastically different! God is directing my steps, He is showing me how powerful and sovereign He is, and I have agreed to just go along for the ride - roller coasters and all.


Anonymous said...

Traci, thank you SO MUCH for your insight today!! The Lord needs to work on me, too, I am afraid! I am so far from being like Him. You are not alone, my friend!!

In prayer together,

Kurt and Kayla said...

I can totally relate. Addisyn
(12)rejected me continuously for the first 4 months. I would go out of my way to do something special for her and she would reject it- then sometimes she would turn to my husband and thank him! It was infuriating and hurtful. She has come a long way. I think to trust a mother is a very vulnerable and scary for them.