Monday, May 4, 2009

Mornings

Each morning, I breath a heavy sigh, knowing what my next few hours are going to look like. Mornings have become very tough around here. Each morning, George wakes us and looks in vain for Joe who has already left for work. George races around the house, making whimpering noises and calling for Daddy. I try to explain, again, that Daddy goes to work and he will be home around dinner. Of course, George does not understand.

Each morning I put on a big smile and say good morning to George. Each morning he shakes his finger at me, turns his head and has a look of disgust on his face. He obviously does not want a morning hug from him mom. Each morning I offer breakfast, and each morning George shakes his finger at me, turns his head and has a look of disgust on his face. Eventually, he comes back into the kitchen and asks for the same thing each morning, macaroni. So, each morning, I heat up some saved macaroni and cheese and put it in front of him. I offer him water, and usually he shakes his finger at me, turns his head...well, you get the picture.

Right now, I am hear to serve George. That's it. I provide his meals, I make sure his favorite clothes are clean, I race to put his shoes on when he calls and I get very little in return. This is so painful for a mother who is used to her kids smiling when they see her, giving big hugs, and always saying, "I love you!"

But, I can't stop here. If I stopped here each day, I would never get out of bed. What I focus on is how this whole experience is like a huge metaphor of my relationship with God. Each morning, God wants to greet me, sing over me, love me...and I tend to shake my finger at him and say, "Not now. I need my coffee. That will help me wake up." Then, I remember that load of laundry that needs to be finished, pack the kids' lunches, rush the kids off to school while in the back of my head I am thinking about how I should have spent some time with God before starting this hectic pace. So, God patiently waits for me to just come and sit with him. And, I still don't. In the meantime, I ask God for all kinds of things, "Can you please sell our house? How about giving us a beautiful day so we can play outside? Have you seen Harry lately? Can't you heal his cold?" On and on my list of requests makes it way to God and I expect an answer.

How much I am like my son! What I want from George, is all God wants from me! And I still can't seem to give all of myself to God. I keep telling everyone who asks how this process is like going through the fire - I am being so refined! I am seeing all the junk that is burning away. I have yet to see what is left, because I am still in the furnace, but I need to be thankful that this is where I am.

Every day God has been faithful to me - He has seen me through each and every day, even the mornings! I am praying over and over that God would change my heart because right now I am struggling to love. In my head, I understood that George might not love me right away, but when the reality of the rejection faces me daily, my heart breaks each and every moment. That broken heart then says, "Forget this! This isn't worth it."

This isn't true! I have to keep focus on what I know to be the truth. God called our family to this and He will see us through. I keep going to the Psalms, especially, "lean not on your own understanding." My mind needs to be remade into the mind of Christ; one who willingly sacrificed all, one who loved the unlovable and one who poured out grace and mercy on anyone who needed it. I must become more like Christ!

Lord, forgive me for my selfishness and my lack of compassion. Forgive me for continuing to think of how this is affecting me. Forgive me for not loving the way I should. I need you, Lord. Fill me with your compassion, love and mercy so I can pour that into this little boy. Amen.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Our Loving Heavenly Father, I pray that You in Your compassion would reach down and give Traci even just a glimmer of hope today--something to encourage and lift her broken spirit. In Jesus' Precious Name, with thanksgiving, AMEN!

"to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."

jessi said...

this so ministered to my spirit... i can just hear the Father beckoning us to come... and spend some time with Him... i called this morning just to tell you i love you.. and think of you soooo often...my heart breaks for you when i read that you feel rejected... but i agree with you in prayer that in and through this your heart would be transformed more and more into the likeness of our Savior who was rejected on our behalf... and it sounds like that is already happening... God is faithful to complete what He has begun that is the word i get for you and your family... He is ALPHA AND OMEGA_ BEGINNING AND THE END... Selah. May all His grace abound to you today so that in all things and at all times in all that you do you will abound in every good work...2 Cor.9:8...i love you my sweet friend... i wish you were next door so i could sneak over to give you hug... let me know when i can visit... i can hardly wait... to love on you... you are sooo loveable... rest in His love sweet T.

Margaret said...

OH, how my heart hurts for you!! Yet, I know, that your Heavenly Father is there for you, is there for George and will HEAL you both!!!! Praying for George to trust you, for your heart to be open when the day comes (and it WILL come) that George runs to you!!!

Dawn said...

OH Traci You have just played my record and I am in tears...Thank you for showing me again How much God really loves and wants to be involved in my life and somedays I just am clueless to how much he really adores me.