Saturday, May 30, 2009

Another Down

I was about ready to throw my hands up in the air and scream, "Enough, God! How much more do we have to take of this?" We were in the midst of an hour long screaming session. The kids all wanted to go to bed, but no one could even begin to think about sleeping with George screaming and crying.

We have no idea what set him off tonight. We had a wonderful day! It was so beautiful here in Wisconsin, at our new home. The kids had played for hours with their new neighbors, we all went into town to the famous hot-dog joint for local fare, we worked together on Mom's garden and then enjoyed a great cookout. After dinner, the kids played some more - hide and seek through their new yard. Then, Lincoln and George came in asking to put on their pajamas and to watch the Brewers.

That's when things got really weird. Everyone came in, got their pjs on and gathered in the living room for our normal routine - Brewers! But, for some reason, George whimpered and moaned and cried on the floor. Very quietly at first. He obviously wanted attention. Joe invited George to come sit by him on the couch, but George said "no" and pointed to me. I was sitting too close to Joe. Our family has had about enough of that kind of stuff, so Joe firmly said, "No! Mom stays on the couch."

George then ran to his room - hey! At least he has learned not throw out his stuff anymore! Nothing came flying out (I guess that is progress!)? He did walk into the hallway, pause for a few minutes and then come back in. Suddenly, the heat clicked on. Now, it was cooling down, but there was no way that heat should have come on. I then put two and two together and go check the thermostat. Sure enough, it had been re-set to 80 degrees.

I looked at George and calmly stated, "You are not allowed to touch this. Only Mom and Dad can touch this."

He lost it. Screaming, crying and then slapping himself on the face - over and over again. I rushed into his room to hug him and tell him to stop hitting himself and I carry him over to sit with Joe. George makes this really annoying whine - all the time - and we are trying to get him to stop this. But, when he sat down, the whine came out, full force. Joe reminded George not to do that. George whined. Joe said, "You do it again and you are going to bed." George whined.

"Off to bed." So...that is where I find myself ready to give up. Things have been going along so well! The move had gone smoothly and George seemed to have taking it all wonderfully. He liked his new room with Lincoln and he seemed to just love all the space to play and run in our new yard. It was the weekend, Dad was home, all was clicking along.

Why such a huge set back? Why the reminder that I honestly don't even like this child very much, let alone love him? Why did it have to suddenly be thrown into my face that George does not accept my love or my care for him?

I decided to go upstairs and tuck the girls into bed and we quietly got into prayer. I was vulnerable and totally honest with my girls. "I don't know how to pray right now, but I know I need to ask God to do two things. Comfort George and open my heart to love George." We prayed and I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit ministering to me. I noticed the house was very quiet.

Joe called up, "George is ready for bed and want to give you a hug."

After getting all the kids to bed, I remembered an email I had received earlier. An adoptive mom encouraged me to read Hosea. Hosea was asked to love the unlovable, be faithful to the unfaithful and to be kind to the cruel. I have things to learn from this man.

I grabbed The Message and read the introduction and stopped on this sentence: "God loves us in just this way - goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes loves of men and women who nothing of real love." God asked Hosea to do this with a prostitute named Gomer. God is also asking me to do this with George.

I need to pursue George with my love. And even when George rejects me time and time again, I need to keep after him. Once I am able to love George, he will learn what love is. And maybe, he has no idea what love is! Who's to say what kind of mother his mom was? Who's to say he had parents who loved him and were attentive to all his needs? I don't know if George knows how to love because I don't know if he has been loved at all in his life?

But, I am sure of this - GOD LOVES GEORGE!

Here is how Hosea concludes:
I will make a fresh start with Israel (George)
He'll burst into bloom like a crocus in the spring.
He'll put down deep oak tree roots,
He'll become a forest of oaks!
He'll become splendid - like a giant sequoia,
His fragrance like a grove a cedars!
Those who live near him will be blessed by him,
be blessed and prosper like golden grain.

After we make it through this, George will bloom! George will have deep roots! George will be splendid, larger than life and those who know him will be blessed.

I find myself once again having to stand on God's word! There is nothing else that matters here. We will make it.


MzzLily said...

I guess a lot of us have those people in our lives that are hard to love, though your circumstance is greatly magnified. I am confident in God's faithfulness and will continue to pray for your family, particularly you and George.

Brooke said...

Love the verse from Hosea that you put in here. I know that God will change George, and bring him around. And, I know he will be an amazing boy and man because of the family he has. I can't imagine how difficult what you are going through is, Traci, but, I'll say it again, I'm confident that this is exactly where George is supposed to the Weldie family, in Watertown, WI.

I pray that you feel well rested and peaceful when you wake up tomorrow morning :) Hold tightly to those words of Hosea that you read!

Cory and Margaret said...

WOW> my heart relates and feels for you!! How I remember those days of feeling GOOD about my DS and then all of a sudden, it would get hard again!!! How I wish I could just fast forward time for you to a year from know and how different and BETTER it is going to be! Praise GOD for his support and faithfulness right now! Continuing to pray for you!!!!