Thursday, April 30, 2009

Where Do I Even Begin?

It has been a week and 4 days since we met George for the first time. Those 11 days have brought great heart-ache, much soul searching, some moments of joy and lots of lessons. Thankfully, I journaled my whole way through Africa, because I knew I would forget those little details that made the trip so memorable. Honestly, at this point, I don't even want to revisit those moments. I can only take my life one hour at a time right now.

I can tell you that I am learning so much about my sinfulness! Don't get me wrong - that is a good thing! I have prayed that I would be more like Christ, and what other way can I possibly look more like Christ without rooting out some sin areas in my life. I have realized how much I "take" from my children; I take all the love they give me and have made that what susatins me. The sin there is that I am not letting God fill me with His love! So, when one of my children (George) refused to love me, I was devastated and all I wanted was to get back to my other children so they could love me and make me feel better. Gently, in the middle of the night in Africa, God revealed this to me by saying, "Le ME love you the way your children love you."

Second, I am very selfish. During this incredibly hard transition, I have found myself being incredibly self centered. I say things about how hard this is, I didn't ask for a child that threw hour long temper tantrums, I can't figure out how to get this child to say a word - any word! Then, I stop and realize that all I have cared about over the past few days is me and how this is affecting me. How dare I? I have taken a child out of his environment, put him in a place where everything is different - sounds, sights, smells - everything! He is scared, lonely, frustrated and all I can do is say "Poor me! I have a child that screams and throws tantrums".

As I exist these days hour by hour, I am leaning hard on God and His truth! I am standing on a verse of scripture that calls us to care for the orphans and the widows, how can this "go wrong"? I have come to realize that it WILL be a hard road - that obeying God's word does not guarentee and easy path! But, He is faithful. HE was faithful to Joe and I in Africa as we struggled with illness, jet lag, an unruly child. HE was still with us and always saying "I am here with you."

I will start writing about our daily experiences soon. There is so much I want to share. We experiended many highs and many lows, but through it all we came out different people, and that is good.


Cory and Margaret said...

Oh Tracy! I am hugging you right now!! I 100% know what you have been through, what you are going through. You expect one thing, and it goes the TOTAL opposite way! Our DS was like that! I expected this little boy to jump into my arms and LOVE ME as much as I LOVED HIM!! Boy, was I in for a BIG surprise! I remember those days...hours and hours of tears, struggles and tantrums!! I am praying...PRAYING THE LORD's Peace over your family, PRAYING THE LORD's patience into your heart, PRAYING THE LORD's guidance in every aspect of your relationship with your child, PRAYING THE LORD's healing in all of you as well!!!

Anonymous said...

Tracy, you and your family have been heavy on my heart ever since we got back from Ethiopia. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers! -Tina