Friday, March 20, 2009

Wait...God owns it all!

I was talking to the ladies at the dentist office yesterday (during Harry's extraction - and yes, it was quite a week!!), when they asked about the adoption. One of the ladies said, "Oh, you must be"

I interrupted, knowing she wasn't quite sure what I must be.

"Yes! I am terrified, excited, thrilled, scared, frozen and a little in love."

They all laughed, as did I, but truthfully, those are all the emotions that I am battling with minute by minute. I am terrified! Recently, I wrote about how when I got the news that the adoption was final, it was a similar feeling to when that pregnancy stick gives you two lines instead of one. There is a thrill and a happiness and maybe even some jumping up and down. What I am feeling now, is similar to how I have felt each and every labor. I have given birth to my 4 bio children "naturally" (but don't we all do it natuarally?) - meaning without any medicine to ease the pain. All 4 times, I have reached a point where I say, "I can't do this anymore." And each time, there is someone in the room saying, "Yes you can!".

This time is most similar to my labor with Eleanor, my first born. That time, I yelled out, "I change my mind! I don't want this baby anymore!!" Everyone in the room laughed, but for that split second, I was totally serious. I had felt the extremem pain and I knew it was going to get worse...I still had the pushing phase to go, so I just wanted to change my mind.

I feel that way many times now...I change my mind!

I have prepared myself to the point of fear. Story after story of tantrums, spitting, kicking, stealing, lying, hurting other children. I don't often hear the stories of kids adjusting quickly and easily. Is this a symptom of those who need to write out their feelings? Are the families that are doing well out there camping? Playing soccer in the back yard? Going to the parks? There are truly moments where I say, "What have I done?"

It is in these moments that I HAVE to surrender to God. Can I possibly deny God's hand in all of this? God has orchestrated this adoption from the heart tugs four years ago, to the precious time at the beach, to seeing a son with a dimple and a presidential name, to finalizing an international adoption in 7 months! Oh, and not to mention the financial resources God provided (which we are still counting on a little to trickle in for our flight to Ethiopia).

"I love the Lord, for He heard me.." Those words are running through my head as I write this. I am amazed that I serve the creator of the universe, yet He hears my prayers, He hears my cries, He knows the desires of my heart. And..He knows better than I do! God has chosen to slam some doors recently, answers Joe and I were not necessarily happy with. But, at the same time, He has blown through walls for this adoption.

This has caused Joe and I to look at what God cares for....on one hand it was "wordly" things - not necessarily bad things and we thought they were good for our family. On the other hand, eternal things. A life. A soul. These things are at stake in this adoption.

So, please excuse me if I seem a little distracted these days. My "momma bear" instincts are going into over-drive. Not only am I preparing for an Ethiopian son, I am also trying to pour into my four bio kids right now. You know, I hate to keep using the pregnancy analogies, but they are just so fitting. It's like the very end of a pregnancy and you have that little toddler gazing into your eyes saying, "Read another story, Mommy.", and your heart just melts and you want to give that child all the love you have to make her feel secure and loved. That is where I am with my four as we prepare to throw our lives into chaos. I need to love, love, love them and the only way to love them is to let God's love flow through me.

Ah...that is where I have been going with this rambling. God loves all these chidren more than I ever can or will be able to! God loves this world so passionately, He moves mountains and He causes miracles, and He sacrificed His only son. This is all about God's love! God wants to love George so God is providing a new opportunity for him. Who knows, if I let God love George through me, what George will be called to do. Or for that matter, any of our children!

I want to close with an email I recieved yesterday...Yes, it would be an honor to intercede for you and your Whole family. I will be praying for an emptiness as you travel that only the Spirit will fill and will overflow to George. I pray that you will love all your children from the “overflow” that only the Holy Spirit will provide. It will be only from that overflow that you will be able to truly love your children that God has given you. I pray that the sense of calling that you feel, that sense that has created a discontent in your hearts, that has stirred it into action will be filled to overflow through George. God has created that Holy Discontent that has moved you to do what you have done to the extent that you are doing it to love with a greater love than you realize. It will be that overflow of love from Him, that will gather your family together as you stand in awe of what a Great God we serve.

Having been to Tanzania last year, and planning to go again, this time helping at an orphanage, I have been thinking of you and your husband, and praying for you. To say the needs are great is an understatement. You will find those days as you referred to that will be so tough that only His sense of “calling” will sustain you. Know that His “calling” WILL sustain you.

God owns it all and we are just the managers. I believe He will take your faith and stretch it beyond imagination as He provides in ways that will have you standing in tears of amazement. I pray that for you and your family. I pray that your bio kids would see a love and faith in their parents through this experience that it would mark them for the rest of their lives and would impact the legacy on your family for generations.

Scripture talks of generational sins. I believe it also speaks of generational blessings. Your sacrificial love will have ripple effects in your family and friends that will outnumber the ripples on the quiet water after throwing a rock into it.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace.”

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