Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Unexpected

Monday was THE day...the day we would officially adopt our son. Everything was in place; the prayer chain was going strong, prayer warriors were seeing visions, everything we could have done was done and we were confident that this was God's will for our family!

My oldest daughter asked, "Why are you even nervous, Mom? We have so many people praying about this!"

My husband left for work at peace, thinking this was just a formality, and by mid-day I would be calling him up and congratulating him on his new son.

But, as the clock moved toward 11:00, the sinking feeling in my gut had over come me. I was on my knees, in my bedroom. I knew. God was gently preparing me for the phone call that was coming.

"Well, I wish I had good news for you. We couldn't find G's mom. The adoption could not be finalized."

I couldn't even speak. I tried to keep it together, but it really was impossible.

"I have to run to a meeting, but if you want me to, I can call you this afternoon to answer any questions you may have."

Questions were not even coming to mind. Oh, except one...why?

I went through a few hours of pure sobbing. I didn't want this to happen! I wanted to be pulling up air line schedules and emailing the contacts we have made in Ethiopia making plans to meet up with them. I wanted to be sending out an email to blast to all those prayer warriors, thanking them for participating in God's word to bring him home.

Instead, I was pacing the living room floor, trying to pull it together, clear my brain so I could think of the right questions to ask.

Then, my daughter walked into the room. She could tell, from one look, that the outcome of the court proceeding was not what we expected. She fell into my arms and cried with me. And then she said, "I don't understand. We had so many people praying!"

How do I answer this kind-hearted young woman, who had never doubted or questioned her Christian faith at all? How do I explain how we can have a hundred people praying and God will chose to not answer that prayer?

My husband came home and said, "This makes me feel that prayer doesn't work." He followed that up with an emotional shout of "No more prayer chains. No more asking our friends to pray. It didn't do any good!"

Of course, we all settled down and came to our senses. By the end of the day, we had concluded that God's timing is perfect. Several friends reminded me of the story of Lazarus, how Jesus was 4 days late, but right on time! We get it, and we are trying hard to go with that. But, we also have come to the conclusion that this may just be the result of living in a fallen world. I am confident that this is not God's perfect plan for caring for orphans. But, we are paying the consequences of a world that gets mixed up with red-tape, throw-away children and corrupt governments.

I have gone through sadness and then I staggered through anger. I have to admit that I am not totally over the anger. I am a bit shocked at whom my anger is directed...G's mom. It seems so ugly to right that down, but I have been honest thus far, why stop now? She was counseled that she would have to appear in court. She was given strict instructions to be available for the possibility of going to Addis. She was advised that if she needed to move to find food or work, that she was to let the orphanage know so they could come get her when needed. She did none of these things. She's gone. She left her son in an orphanage without the chance for a quick and easy adoption. She just walked away and didn't tell anyone where she was going.

I cried out to Joe many times, "How could a mom do that?"

But, I am gently reminded that she might have been in so much pain that she simply could not face going to a court and officially relinquishing custody. Maybe she was starving and heard of work in another village and simply had no time to tell anyone where she was going. Maybe she was so sick that she wandered off to die.

I still love this woman and am confident that I will meet her in heaven. I pray that God would forgive my anger and take it completely away.

I have not given up hope. While I don't have many answers at this point, I know this is not over and we have another trial date in a few weeks. Our agency has been given a chance to find G's mom. I am not anticipating that will happen, but there are some people who are praying for that miracle!

If she is not found, G will be re-classified as abandoned and we have a new set of paperwork.

Bottom line, this means our son will not be home for a while. But, we love him and are fighting to still bring him home.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

24 Hours To Go

Well, it is Saturday, late afternoon and I am sitting here trying to distract myself as I watch the time slowly move on. It has snowed quite a lot today, so shortly, Joe and I will be heading out to shovel for the 2nd time. That will help keep my mind of the court date - thankfully!

Then...I am so grateful that I get to go praise the Lord tomorrow morning! This morning, I was a wreck - lots of tears and not even wanting to get out of bed. These feelings are pretty unusual for me - I think that I have just had enough waiting. My case worker said, "Don't pray for patience! Pray for mercy!" So that has been my prayer this past week - no more practice in patinced :)

While I battle with my mind (working at not being anxious about anything!!), I realize how madly in love I have fallen with this little boy. I pray that come Monday afternoon, I can shout from the rooftops that G is our son!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Jesus Laughed?

I am doing a study on the beatitudes and today I am finishing up the week on mourning. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Our last day of work concluded with a look at what Jesus mourned. As a kid, my Baptist friends and I used to joke at being able to memorize John 11:35 (weird Baptist kids who like to memorize Bible verses). There was always that one kid who said, "Wow! You memorized a whole verse," and the other kids would laugh when they recited the verse, "Jesus wept." That verse had become the joke in my circles because we really never took the time to understand the depth of that verse.

There are other times Jesus weeps; looking over Jerusalem, in the garden of Gethsemene, etc. But, why are there no reports in the scriptures of Jesus laughing? This question was posed to me in the application part of my study and it stopped me cold. I am sure Jesus experienced things that brought him happiness and put smiles on his face, but why not a story of him busting out laughing with his disciples?

The only thing I can possibly think of (and I will meditate on this all day, so it could change) is that Jesus had come from heaven, a perfect place of no sorrow and no tears. Yet, here he was, sent to earth to save us all! He shared a message of love and hope if only we would repent and believe. How many listenend to him?

How many of us really listen to him today? We look around our world and offer lots of excused and rationalizations. Things are not so bad. People are generally good and nice. We are all trying!

Sometimes, we just don't get it.

Jesus was mourning our sin. Jesus was heart broken that we can't even see how sinful we are. Jesus longs for us to turn to him, say no-more to our sin, and walk with him. But, we all (me being right there at the top of the list) chose so many other things besides Him to entertain us, distract us, fulfill us - you name it - whatever we need, we find things on earth to fill that need. That is sin.

I want to finish with the closing prayer from this study....

"You are thrice holy, yet my life and heart abound with apologies not made
repentance not completed....
forgiveness not offered....
brothers not respected.....
reputations not defended.....
peace not purused....
neighbors not loved....
Sabbaths not kept....
appetites not restrained....
parents not honored.....
spouse not cherished....
children not trained....
prisoners not visited...
strangers not clothed...
hungry not fed...
providence ignored....
envy unchecked...
prayers unspoken...
fears not conquered....
truth not defended....
sheep not fed...
feet unmoved....
tongue unbridled...
eyes unguarded...
time wasted...
talents wasted...
treasure wasted.

Where are you?

Friday, February 13, 2009

Into the Heart of Harry


Oh, my complicated, dear son Harry. How do I even begin to describe him? There really is not enough time or enegergy to do that now, but all I can say is this son of our is very complicated.

One of the big reasons we decided to move from a purely home schooling family to one in which we do a little of everything, is because of Harry. Our mother-son relationship was really in jeopardy; we were always fighting and I was worried that I would lose my son if we continued on this path.

When we sent him off to school, I devoured a book called Going Public which encouraged parents to start each morning in the word with their kdis. I took this adivce to heart and made the commitment to myself, the Lord and the children to not usher them out the door until we had all filled our hearts with God's word. We decided to use the Billy Graham method; 4 Psalms a day and 1 chapter of Proverbs a day. We take turns reading out loud and will stop occassionally to talk about a verse and what it means.

Before our first day, I told Joe of my plans. We ended up in a huge fight when he said, "Don't be surprised when Harry totally rejects this plan." I was furious! What I needed was support and encouragment, not realism - but that is for another blog :)

I was resolute - I was going to do this. I felt that God was pressing this so hard on my heart that I would burst if I did not follow through So, the first morning, I told the kids what we would be doing each morning at 7:45. The girls, of course, ran to grab their Bibles and bounded onto the benches at the kitchen table yelling, "Where do we start?" Harry, on the other hand, groaned, rolled his eyes, sighed and stomped off into his room. After a minute or two, "Mom, I don't know where my Bible is..."

"Fine, Harry, just listen."

"Can I listen from my room?"

"I guess," I sighed. This was not what I wanted, but I did not want to push him.

This is where Harry is the most complicated! He knows his Bible so well, he talks openly and honestly to God, but he doubts! He gets angry at his sister's for having that child-like faith that makes believing very easy right now for them. He doesn't understand things like hearing from God, listening to His voice, following His will. He gets angry that God hasn't taken away his fear at night. He doesn't believe that God can forgive like the Bible (and mom) says He can. Yet, he says he saw heaven as a child (soon after a seizure) and he "gets it" when we talk about deep stuff. Complicated!!

While we were homeschooling, Harry wanted nothing to do with our scheduled Bible study. It was always a chore to get him to join us, so I was not surprised that he resisted this new plan of mine.

I gave in for a few days, but I just continued to hear God saying "Make him join you." So, I finally approached Harry one morning and said very clearly, "This is not optional."

So, he started joining us. The first few days he didn't want to read out loud, but it didn't take long for him to get used to the plan and to jump right in. Now, Harry is the one stopping us and saying, "Explain that, Mom," or "Why did Solomon say that?"

Today, we were reading Psalm 68 when we came across the following verses, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families..." (V. 5-6a). I stopped the kids and said, "Let's look at those verse again and I want you to think of someone this might be about."

Of course, I was thinking this would be another great teaching moment about God's love for the orphans and how cool it was that the Bible says he would put those lonely, fatherless children into families. It seemed like a no-brainer to me!

Isabel said, "I don't know who this is talking about....Jesus?" (she has learned that the answer to most of my questions is Jesus, so that has become her automatic response).

Harry stared at his Bible for a moment and then looked me in the eye and said, "This is about me."

I was speechless. I thought I would be making this great point about G, but Harry had personalized this beyond my imagination. He was the lonely who was lovingly put into a family.

I love my complicated, moody and deep son! He teaches me daily what it means to be a child of God.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ethiopia - Where God's Children Live...and Die

The Lord has lead our hearts to Ethiopia, where some of His children live...and die,

*Life expectancy: 42 years old

*One out of every 20 children born alive die in their first month of life

* One out of ten die before reaching their first birthday

* One out of six die before reaching their fifth birthday

* There are 4.6 million orphans in Ethiopia

* The median age in Ethiopia is 18

* 1.5 million people in Ethiopia are infected with AIDS

* Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any country in Africa

*Every 15 SECONDS, another child becomes an AIDS orphan in Africa

*Every DAY 5,760 more children become orphans

*Every YEAR 2,102,400 more children become orphans (in Africa alone)

I hope you can see why my heart aches for the orphans of this country. Please join me in praying for these kids. I was so shocked by the statistic that says if only 7% of people who claim to be Christians would adopt, there would be no more need for orphanages.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Blessed are Those Who are Poor in Spirit


I memorized the Beatitudes when I was in 4th grade. I remember is so clearly, I was attending VBS at my church and we were challenged to memorized all the Beatitudes, ready to recite them to our teachers at the end of the two weeks. I did it and I was pretty proud of myself (hmmm, maybe the beginning of a sin area in my life?).

But, I couldn't tell you anything about what those statements meant! Nothing! I simply memorized them, so I thought I knew them.

Several years ago, right after our family moved from California to Wisconsin, a pastor handed me a study on the Beatitudes and asked me to lead a women's study at the church. I opened that book, not very enthusiastically because I very naively thought that I knew the Beatitudes already, and began to study.

The first Beatitude is "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven." (Matthew 5:3). I will never forget thinking to myself that didn't describe me at all! I was always a half-full type of girl and hadn't ever struggled with depression. After all, being poor in spirit meant being sad, depressed, or down....right?

WRONG!! I will never forget that moment that the scales fell from my eyes and I was taught what being poor in spirit really meant. Poverty of spirit means recognizing how truly deficient we are apart from God. Poor in spirit means knowing I can do nothing to "save" myself, but that I have to completely rely on the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ to save me. Poor in spirit means I can't do work here on earth in my own effort or ability, but that I have to let the Holy Spirit fill me and enable me to do the work.

This has to be a heart-check. It is nothing I can fake my way through because this truly is heart issue. Do I really know that I need Christ for everything in my life?

Recently, God brought another study on the Beatitudes to me. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe He wants me to revisit this study and go even deeper this time. Maybe He is giving me a gift to say, "Yes, you HAVE grown some in the last 6 years". I am not exactly sure, but I do know He wants me to dive into this study one more time and learn all I can about the Beatitudes.

The word Beatitude does not appear in scripture - but it means being supremely joyful. So, if we have these qualities and characteristics, it is a recipe to attain supreme joy! Wow! I questioned the women in the Bible study, "Is supreme joy even possible here on earth?" The answer is ONLY when we are walking hand in hand with God.

A big part of walking hand in hand with God is humility, which directly relates to being poor in spirit. True humility is not putting yourself down. Humility is simply recognizing the truth about ourselves. I am a sinner. I am not now, nor never will be perfect, spotless or sinless. No matter how hard I try, I will always fail and let God down. That is not to mention how many times I will let family and friends down.

Because of my sin, I need Christ! How do I achieve true humility? John MacArthur lays out a 3-step plan; I am working my way through this right now and can't seem to move on to the mourning beatitude which is next. I think this is exactly where God wants me. So, here are the steps: 1. We must take our eyes off ourselves and look to God - through Bible study, prayer and a sincere desire to be close to Him (I need to pause here - don't rush over those words because I need to really sit here - sincere desire to be close to Him! Wow! What does that mean? What does that look like? It is so easy to call myself a Christian and just be seen at church, occasionally pray with the kids, read a few Christian books here and there, but do I really have a sincere desire to be close to God? The closer I get to God, the more He points out my sin - it doesn't always feel good...at first. I must confess sin and "get right" with God when I am close to Him. This is the hard work of our walk -don't let the words just fly over your head - but think, do I really have a true desire for God?)

2. We must starve our flesh by removing the things on which it feeds. This means removing those things that promote pride. Oh, have I had lessons in this lately. God, very graciously, has stripped away quite a few things that had been puffing up my pride. I am thankful for that, but it was so painful in the process. I thought I was this great Bible teacher, small group leader, etc. Women would say, "Oh, that was so good" and I would think it was all because of me. I hate how ugly this sounds as I write it out, but this is my worst sin, and I need to bring it to the light. I sought after leadership positions at church and I pushed my way in. I wanted the do things that brought the spotlight on me and my abilities. But, I messed up. I pushed too hard sometimes, and I always saw my pride puffed up. While I may have given lip-service to God, in my heart, I was taking all the credit. Oh, Lord...I am so sorry, even today! I was not poor in spirit, I was not humble, and I was then not able to be used by God. So, he took away all the things my flesh was feeding on. I don't know if I will ever be able to do the things that I once dreamed of - I know I can't until I crucify my pride and truly, truly become poor in spirit. In order to crucify it, I need to stop feeding it.

3. We must simply ask for it. God alone can keep our lives in balanced perspective, and will respond when we seek humility with all our hearts. That is the good thing about God - he WILL answer us when we ask for true humility.

Oh, there is much to continue to write about this, but it is time to start the day with my kids. I am so grateful that God keeps giving me opportunities to change and grow! I sure need it.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Little Girl

My heart longs to adopt another child from Ethiopia. I know - I shouldn't even be thinking about that right now, as we have not even yet finished the adoption we are in. But, my husband knows, and has known for a long time, that I would love to add a little girl to our not-quite full quiver.

This is what he said last night, when I very casually said this. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "If we could bring a little girl home for free, I would do it." I said, "I know."

He said, "No. I mean it. If someone hands us a child and asks us to take her for free, I will."

Of course, this can't and won't happen. But, can I just tell you how much I love, love, love my husband??? How many men out there are willing to sacrifice for an orphan? How many men out there are saying they would love to add another child to their family (when they already have as many as we do)? How many men make being a father their greatest job in life? How many men are willing to love another man's child?

Oh, how I love my husband! And I thank God for putting us together! Years ago, I would have never thought we would even make it. Now, I see some of God's plan for our lives as a married couple - we both have a heart for the children of the world.

This isn't long tonight - I am so tired, but I am so in love with my husband I just had to share!

At this point, I seriously can't think about a little girl more than just "wishing upon a star". But, I am not foolish enough to think that anything is impossible with God.

Friday, February 6, 2009

No News, Just Rambling Thoughts

It seems that the big question, understandably, when I run into someone is "So, what's new with the adoption?" Since December 23rd, when we were assigned our court date, there really has been nothing new to report. What is good, is that God is working on my heart in this process and teaching me every day something about my character that needs to be refined.

So, while I have nothing new to report, I can say that God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good :) There are little things to share - like getting the monthly report on G that shows he has not gained a single pound in 6 months. I start to worry a bit about this, but realize this is beyond my control at this time. I could report that if we fail court, the courts are now scheduling 2nd attempts 6 months out. I start to worry about this, but this,too, is beyond my control. I also could tell you about costs of airline tickets rising. When I start to worry, I stop, because that is completely out of my control.

On the home front, I could share the results of Lincoln's MRI, but that would make me start to worry, and again, his foot is out of my control. I could fill you in on the stresses of Joe's work. That would really get me worrying, but I stop when I realize I have no control of that situation.

Are you getting the picture? I have realized in this process one huge lesson; how little I have control over! I am so thankful that I serve a God who is much bigger than me, who can handle it all! I am enjoying sitting peacefully in the place of knowing He has let us know this adoption is part of His will for our family. I am learning how to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ.

I am in control of my actions, my attitudes and my heart! I am called to be obedient through this. God has called us to continue to tithe, despite wanting to justify not tithing because of the expense of adoption. God has called me to be more Christ-like, turn the cheek, asking for forgiveness and changing some habits. God asked me to let go of my children (a bit), and in the same breath asked me to be more intentional with each of them. I am learning that while God says "Trust me", He is also saying, "Follow me".

Following Christ implies action, doing something. Following Christ has meant picking up my cross daily (my worry, my pride, my self-centeredness) and walking in his footsteps. But, I am learning that it is not ME that does the work. I need to use two examples to explain this:

First, think of an engine. In order to run, it needs two things; fuel and a spark. God pours in the fuel but we need to provide the spark, and that spark is our obedience. (Thank you, Stuart Briscoe - who gives a much better explanation than this pathetic one.)

Here is another example: Think of a bank account. You have two accounts; savings and checking. Jesus filled or savings account, that is our justification, our salvation. That account is always full and when we get to heaven and stand before God, we pull from that account and say, "See, the debt has been paid in full!" The second account is our checking account. We have absolutely nothing to deposit. But, when we admit our poverty of spirit, our great need for God, the Holy Spirit fills that account. This account is available for us to use - to do the good works that God prepared in advance for us to do! So, our work here on earth is not the result of our goodness or our effort. The work is possible because the Holy Spirit fills us with His goodness and His efforts and we use those things to fulfill His work on earth. (Thank you, Following God series.)

I know - this is getting totally off base, but this is a glimpse into what is going on in my head these days - LOTS! God is piling on the lessons and examples to use this time of waiting to grow me. While God is doing this, I can tell you the enemy is whispering horrible things in my ear. I have never before felt such spiritual attack, but here we come full circle, when I am trusting that God is in control, I practice taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ.

I have no idea what the next three months will bring - I am prayerful that it will bring a passed court date the first time in and a safe trip to Ethiopia to bring our son home. That's all I can do now - I have been through the months of fear, the months of denial, the months of off-the-chart business and thankfully, God has brought me through each of those months. Now, I am celebrating a month of decisions being made. We are finally here and I couldn't be happier.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Bathed in Love

Here I am again, longing to write about the love I am experiencing. Those who know me well might have to chuckle. I am not a lovey-dovey person. I have never gushed about love and I tend to keep that emotion in check, only allowing my family to see that side of me. But, God has been challenging my thoughts on love, of late. He is teaching me so much about His character.

I grew up with two truths: God is love and God is holy. I was taught I could not have one with out the other. The "problem" (and I say that very loosely, because it really isn't a problem) is that I focused a great amount of my energy and time over the holiness of God. Again - that is not a problem, especially in a world that seems to overemphasize the love of God. But, I was constantly standing in the fear of the Lord and couldn't relate to friends who would talk about letting God love them like a daddy. I had one friend in paricular, who used to talk for hours about meditating on the image of sitting in God's lap. I just didn't get it.

I always visualized myself face down in the presence of God, not plopping down in his lap! I have realized that I have been missing a huge character trait of God by continuing to focus on His holiness. For God so loved the world....we all know that verse by heart, but what does it really mean that He loved us so much that He was willing to do anything he had to to restore a relationship with us?

In the last few weeks, I have seen God's love. Maybe "seen" isn't the accurate words - it is more like I have felt His love. He has been "loving on me" in the last few weeks. And it feels so good! I'm not sure I was ready to have this lavish love put on me until I completely dealt with my great need for Him. It is so interesting to me, that one this brink of great change in my life, God did something very peculiar.

When I first moved to WI, I was a baby. I fed on milk and could only handle milk. I had been raised in the church and knew all my Bible stories, but I was in no way walking as a disciple. The first study God brought to me was a study on the Beattitudes. We were attending a small Methodist church (good trasition for Joe from the Catholic church to Elmbrook!) when I noticed there was nothing for women. I met with the pastor to talk about this and he handed me a study on the Beattitudes and said, "Why don't we make an announcement and start a women's study?" I was a bit nervous about it, but I agreed and even stood in front of the congregation to make the pitch.

I did the study, prepared notes, made coffee, arranged for child care and sat in the meeting room and waited for the first woman to arrive. And I waited, and waited....and waited. No one came. I tried again the next week, this time not making as much coffee and only seting up 5 chairs. Again, no one showed up. I was a little discouraged, but I finished the study on my own, after all, I had not studied this matterial and I thought I might as well start here.

Flash forward to a few weeks ago. I am doing a small in-home study with three other women I have met in my neighborhood. We just finished a study and it was time to chose our next one. We all agreed that we wanted something geared toward women, so we scrolled through cbd.com looking for just the right book. We found one called "Renewing the Heart of Women", the other ladies said, "This is the one!", so I ordered 4 coppies and waited for the books to arrive.

A few days later the box I had been waiting for was delivered and I quickly opened the box, anxious to get started. To my surprise, the subheading of the book we had chosen was "A Study on the Beattitudes" and as clear as a bell I heard the Lord say, "Full circle. This is where you started, now this is where you are coming back."

OK - so I can't quite articulate how this illustrates God's lavish love, but He spoke to me and He gave me a gift. Maybe it is to say, "Yes - Traci, you have grown!" Or, maybe He was saying, "It's time to get back to the first things I taught you." Or, maybe He is bringing things full circle to relase me into the new phase of my life? I am not sure, but all I know is that He knows me so intimately that He can do those kinds of things!

Intimate. That is the word I now use to desribe my relathionship with the Lord. He knows us so intimately it blows my mind away! How could He possibly know what I need to read in the bulletin at church today? How could He possibly know what song would minister to me today? How could He possibly know who we would meet at a bus-stop today? It just amazes me that for how intimate I feel with God, you do to! He knows YOU with that same level of intimacy!

And with that intimacy comes the most pure, wonderful love. A love that knows what is best for me. A love that will NEVER fail me. A love that says, "I see who you really are, and I still love you and chose you." A love that chose a son in Ethiopia for Joe and I to raise! What kind of love does that?

I know I say it often, but God knew before G was even a blip on my radar, that he would be my son. God has put messages in our path for years that have gone into our subconscience. He has caused us to do things 5 years ago that we had no idea would result in our being able to adopt. He led us to a church that not only teaches us how to follow hard after Jesus, it also opened our eyes and hearts to the world. He scooped us out of a terribe, selfish life in CA to a meager, humble life in WI to teach us what it means to live simply and to cherish our children. And...he loved one little boy in Wolaytta, Ethiopia so much that He set things in motion years ago that would lead up to this very day. God loves one little boy in Wolaytta, Ethiopia that He would have moved mountains to care for him.

And, get this - He loves you that same amount! In our lives of relative ease and comfort, we sometimes ignore all the ways that God is loving on us. We chalk it up to a good day at work, or the kids were so kind tonight, or the sun was shinning when in reality, it was God loving you intimately.

My prayer for us all is that we see how God is bathing us in His love. I pray that we would comprehend this love that has no limits or boundaries, a love that brings a totally mid-western family together with an orphaned 6 year old boy in Ethiopia. I don't always understand His love for me. And frankly, because I know how holy He is, I know I don't deserve His love for me! But, I will sit with God tonight and let Him love me some more.