Self Control

As I sat down to pray about Lincoln's verse for the year, I knew I wanted something that had to do with self-control. While I love Lincoln's passion and his enthusiasm and his...OCD, he needs some real work in the self-control department.

I laugh about the OCD, but he totally drives us crazy with this personality quirk. For example, when Lincoln makes his bed, he OBSESSES about the comforter being straight and smooth, no wrinkles at all. And if it is just a little to the right hanging a bit, he will cry and I mean cry loudly. And he is six!

I am trying to hard to teach him to relax a bit...to go with the flow when the bed is messy or if someone sits in your chair. Basically, we are trying to teach him how to have self-control.

So, Lincoln's verse is 1 Thes. 5:6..."So let us be self controlled"

He took one look at his verse and he said, "I really need to work on that, don't I?" And I reassured him that I would be praying this over him each and every morning. He looked up at me and smiled, his oh so sweet Lincoln smile.

Bible Verses

You know when you hear an idea and something inside of you just goes, "Wow! I should be doing this!" Well, that happened at the C4C retreat I attended earlier this month. A woman who has parented many children from hard places made a simple suggestion and from that moment on, my mind has been focused on that idea.

The speaker mentioned choosing a scripture for each one of her children and praying that scripture over that child every day for a year. She would write out the verse on a piece of paper, have the child decorate the picture, then laminate it and stick it to the refrigerator as a reminder to both herself and the children. It would remind her to pray. And it would remind the children that mom is praying for them every day.

So, I took some quiet time these past few weeks to pray about a scripture verse for each child. I then presented the idea to Joe who had the same reaction I did, "Of course! Why haven't we been doing this all along?"

I wrote out each verse on a piece of clean, white paper and then got ready for our devotionals last night. After reading Psalm 119 (a part of it) and talking about how God's Word teaches us how to live lives that honor and glorify God, I told them about this idea.

One by one, I had a child stand up as I read their verse to them. Then, they each had some time to decorate their papers. After that, Joe and I prayed over our children right there, quoting their verse into their lives.

I wondered how each of them would respond to this...one never knows! They all smiled. Real, deep smiles. Those smiles showed me that they loved the idea of mom taking the time to chose a verse and then those smiles showed me that they loved the idea of mom praying those verses every day.

The woman at the conference showed us some of her kids' verses. She still has them - years later. I thought that was really cool.

So..do you wanna know the verses I chose?

I think I will write a blog entry about each child and their verse....

Tomorrow will be Part 1: Lincoln.

Same Old Same Old

The George of January and February is back. We had a wonderful reprieve - thank you, Lord. But now, the angry, temperamental, vindictive George is back in full swing.

I wondered if the nice-George was being manipulative because his birthday is coming up. Sure enough, George told me a few days ago that he wants a pair of red, Nike shoes. They are $115.00. When I told him that I would love to buy him new shoes, but wondered why they had to be Nike shoes, he flipped out.

"They will make me happy!"

I challenged that...what happens when they break? What happens when your feet grow and they don't fit anymore? Do you stop being happy then? Will it take another pair of hundred dollar tennis shoes to make you happy?

"Yes. I just want stuff. You don't get me stuff that I want." And so, the George who fights over everything came storming back.

How does a mom explain to a very selfish child that STUFF does not equal happiness when that child is convinced that he doesn't have enough STUFF and if he had enough STUFF he would suddenly be happy?

I am trying really hard to stop taking his ridiculousness seriously. Instead of getting angry and letting myself fume over it all day long, I am crying out to God with one phrase, "Help me Jesus."

I turned to God a few days ago and said, "OK...when I cry out 'help me, Jesus', you will understand that means I am focusing on George and not on YOU. So, will you help me get my focus back on you?"

And yesterday, as I was reading the account of Peter walking on water and how he suddenly noticed the wind and the waves and the chaos around him. When Peter's eyes turned to his circumstances, he fell into the water. And he cried out to Jesus, "Help me!" And do you know what comes next....IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached for him.

IMMEDIATELY . That word struck me. Jesus doesn't hold back and let me sputter and swallow water and start to drown...he IMMEDIATELY comes to my rescue. He beckons me to look back at HIM, focus on HIM.

So, I call out "Help me, Jesus." and quickly my thoughts turn to the one who is my rock and my redeemer.

I am thankful I am a child of Jesus...and that Jesus never leaves!

I Don't Know What is Going On

OK...I can only say one thing.

GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS!

You have prayed. You have told me that you are praying. Joe and I have been on our knees together each morning. We have laid hands on George and prayed as he slept.

And God has granted us peace.

There IS no other answer. In fact, Joe specifically prayed for a break. He prayed that George would have peace in his heart for a few days.

And we have had several good days.

We went to counseling today and George told the counselor that he has been trying very hard lately. The counselor brought me in and send George to the playroom and told me a few things.

"Again, I want you to realize that George clearly has RAD and ODD."

OK, I believe you, you don't need to tell me again and again.

"You need to start creating a tool-kit of how you are going to respond to his defiance and anger. Second, George's issue is with you and only you. When he fights with the other kids, it is really to get to you."

At this point, I breath a heavy sigh. Gee, thanks...I think.

"But, he knows that he is wrong in the way he treats you. Third, you and your husband are obviously doing a great job of teaching him about God and the Bible. He talked about forgiveness and mercy and grace."

OK...maybe there is hope.

"Finally, George is really smart. I mean really, really smart. There is good and bad in that."

Uh-oh.

"The good is that he has the ability to really learn life skills and someday be independent. The bad is that now he can be extremely manipulative. RAD + smart = hard."

I left not sure what to think...and honestly, I was angry about some of the details the counselor shared about things George said. And that anger gnawed at me all evening until I yelled. And George looked at me and said, "You don't need to yell at me."

And I replied, "But sometimes that is the only way you listen to me!"

He looked at me...hurt...frustrated.

I looked at him... hurt...frustrated.

And yet, healing came. Peace came back.

We ended our night the way we always do. All the kids and myself (and Joe, when he is home) sitting together in the living room reading our Bibles. We prayed and during that prayer, the peace came back.

I kissed the kids goodnight, tucked them all into the beds and then retired to my room to write this blog. And while I have been writing, George has come into my room three times to apologize and tell me how he really has liked the peace in our home the last few days.

I smiled, kissed his chubby cheeks and told him, "Me too."

So, if you ever wanted to know if your prayers were being answered...THEY ARE.

Whom Jesus Loves

Before I start...this was inspired by Beth Templeton, a keynote speaker at Created for Care. Much of what I will write about in the next few days will be nuggets of encouragement and wisdom this adoptive mommy spoke to a room full of 300 women longing to be fed.

Have you ever read the gospel of John and wondered about this whole "the one whom Jesus loved" thing? Let me give you a glimpse of John's words:

John 13:23One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him.

John 19:26When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,”

John 21:7Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!”

John 21:20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”

In case you didn't know, "the disciple whom Jesus loved" was John himself. So, here was John writing his good news book, choosing to often refer to himself as "the disciple whom Jesus loved." How does that sit with you?

Do you find that a little arrogant? Does that mean John was implying Jesus loved HIM the most? And then, I start to wonder, did Jesus tell John he loved him the most?

I have to admit that often as I read this book in the New Testament, I would balk a bit at this phrase. I would say, "Come on, now, John! How stuck up!" If I get really honest, there was something so distasteful about this attitude that is affected how I viewed John over all. In my mind, maybe in combination of the portrait by DaVinci titled The Last Supper, John was this pasty, weak, almost feminine man who just liked to get a dig in with the other disciples by saying with a turned up nose, "I am the ONE whom Jesus loved."

But, over the weekend as I was on retreat and getting respite from a very difficult situation at home, the keynote speaker brought this up. John...a man who had the nerve to constantly refer to himself as the disciple whom Jesus loved...said this not to be arrogant or snobby or to one-up the other disciples...but rather said it because he SO DEEPLY KNEW THIS IN HIS HEART.

Jesus..the son of God...who left heaven to serve and teach and ultimately lay down his life did all of this for one reason...HE LOVED US. He loved YOU. He loved John. He loved Lazarus. He loved my grandmother. He loved me. He loved with a love that was so incredibly pure and passionate and wonderful and amazing that he chose to die a humiliating, excruciating death in order for us to be reconciled to God and spend eternity with him. THAT is love.

And when we understand...no, more than an intellectual assent, but a heart-felt knowing that this love has set us free...we would all refer to ourselves as the one whom Jesus loved. Because that love is what defines us and compels us and guides us and teaches us and keeps us going.

I know adopting George was all about one big lesson for me...LOVE. I have learned more about God's unrelenting, never-ending, passionate, amazing love in the last three years than in the first 38 years of my life. And when I sit and ponder the LOVE that God has lavishly poured into my life, I have to sit in awe. And then...when I describe myself, what should that phrase be?

Traci...the one who has six children?

Traci..the one who has a wonderful husband?

Traci..the daughter of Bob and Judy?

All of those things are true and good...but are they the best description of who I am?

No...but this is...

Traci...the mommy whom Jesus LOVES.

So, forgive me if you think me arrogant or haughty when I start referring to myself as "the mommy whom Jesus loves", but..I think it fits these days.

And it's what is going to keep my going.

Traci...the mommy whom Jesus LOVES. I kind of like the ring...don't you?

Parenting a Child With RAD

I have driven myself crazy over the last two days reading blogs, lists, research, and medical journals. I have been hungry for all I can learn about RAD and how I am supposed to be parenting this very broken child.

I have learned a few things:

1. This is going to be harder than I ever imagined. No one, and I mean no one, writes about how quickly their child was healed or how over-night things seemed to be better. On one hand I already know this for it has been a very hard three years. But on the other, I was kind hoping that someone somewhere would have figured out the magic pill that could erase the years that caused my son to not be able to trust or love anyone of significance in his life.

2. There are 10,000 suggested ways to parent a child with RAD. And for each one of those 10,000 ways, there are 10,000 more saying those first 10,000 ways are wrong and you need to do these new 10,000 ways now. It is mind-boggling and borderline infuriating to realize how there really is no one tried and true way to "fix" George.

3. I can't "fix" George.

4. My parenting is not enough. My love is not enough. Nothing I can do will ever be enough.

5. God is enough. His love is enough. He has already done everything that is enough. (Thank you, Cindee.)

6. Before George can attach to me...he must attach to Jesus. I believe in my heart that God has a plan for this child and that plan involves being a Weldie and being in a home where our Lord and Savior is lifted high.

I have to admit that even in the last 12 hours I have gone back and forth 100 times between "I am committing to this child and his healing" and "this child may be better off with a fresh start in a new home". I hate that I am swinging between these two very different options!

Joe has reminded me that we have a plan in place and to stick with it: George will start counseling every other week with a man who totally gets RAD and ODD AND is a believer and knows that Jesus Christ is the key to everything! Second, we need to find respite - respite for us and especially the other kids who desperately need to have fun with no stress of George ruining the day. Haven't figured out that respite part yet...but hopefully God will provide.

Hanging in there today...and that I all I can do.

Diagnosis

I just returned from Created for Care, a retreat for adoptive moms that was help at a beautiful lodge in Georgia. I was refreshed, encouraged and enlightened. I have about 10 blog posts worth of material that I can't wait to start writing on.

But for today, I want to share that we have a diagnosis for George. We had a marathon counseling session yesterday with the self-described (although he resisted calling himself this because he really is humble) "top" child psychologist in South Carolina.

He came to a conclusion that I knew was there but had been hoping was not: George has both RAD and ODD.

When the doctor said this, I slumped in my seat (which was already a very slump-able couch!).

I asked one question, "Is there hope?"

He answered with a nod and added, "But it will take a lot of work."

I guess this blog will start taking the form of how this momma tries to parent a child with RAD and ODD. I don't think I will have time to write about my "missional life". My mission is to help this child. I keep reading over and over again that sometimes, simply a different caregiver can help the child with RAD. I don't want to think about dissolving this adoption - but I can't help but wonder if George would have a better chance at life with another parent - one who was a better Momma.

One thing the doctor told me is that I can't take George's behavior toward me as personal. When George is being hateful and mean to me...he is really acting in anger toward his biological mom who abandoned him.

I also have to remain CALM at all times - don't engage in fights with George anymore. But, this is where I get exhausted. He tries to fight all the time. He does something he knows he is not allowed to do. I give him a clear warning and very specifically tell him how I expect him to behave. He usually does it immediately again - this time either laughing at me or with a smirk on his face. I send him to his room. He yells at me the whole way up the stairs. He turns his radio on SUPER loud and I walk in, say nothing, but take the radio away and then explain that he has lost the privilege of the radio. He screams more and tells me how much he hates me. After 5 minutes, he comes downstairs and says he is sorry and asks if he can have a cupcake.

I walk him through how he needs to restore the relationship (state what he did wrong, tell me what he should do next time, then ask for forgiveness), he usually doesn't want to do this and ends up back in his room. I tell him he can come out in 10 minutes. As I walk out he tells me I am stupid. I say he can come out if 15 minutes. He yells that he doesn't care. I say he can come out if 20 minutes. He screams at me that he is running away. I say he can come out is 25 minutes and he finally gets the point and doesn't say anything.

In 22 minutes, he comes down and I remind him that he has 3 more minutes. He stomps up the stairs, screaming at me. I go upstairs and tell him he now has 10 more minutes.

After an hour of this scenario repeated over and over again, he comes down stairs, tells me what he did wrong (by this time, the list has grown) and asks for forgiveness and I tell him I forgive him and love him.

This happened last night. So, I let him join the family for our night time devotions and when it comes time to pray he refuses to pray and tells me, "I can't pray. It's your fault that I can't pray."

I ask why it is my fault.

"Because you make me keep my eyes open."

It's time for bed. George gets out 5 minutes later yelling that he is bleeding. He has YET AGAIN torn off the band-aid that I JUST put on his finger. So, we go through THIS scenario 10 times a day. He has cut his finger. I put a band-aid on and I tell him very clearly that he is not to take it off and that I will take it off when I know it has healed. Within 5 minutes, he is standing at the trash can taking off the band-aid. He gets about 5 band-aids with the same talk each time. He takes it off each time. So, last night, I told George he could not have another band-aid.

He is furious. I help him wrap his finger in toilet paper and then tuck him into bed. I say, "I love you and tomorrow will be a better day."

As I walk out of the room he yells out to me, "Tomorrow will NOT be a better day!"